8:24 I saw my wife wearing something attractive. I drank it in. "I don't necessarily have to lust again, it's not automatic, if I engage in something now I may be surprised later."

Desire level: 5

9:29 am

been thinking to myself "I do not have to lust" but I have not engaged in anything, I am a little too tired to be mindful! I slept about five hours the last two days. Can't be mindful if I can't concentrate. Went out and left some food on the stove, when I realized that I raced back home, and I engaged in that.

Not lusting but still feeling a little build-up down there, so to speak.

Desire level: 4

9:49

Been browsing the news, which I found engaging. Reminded myself again many times. Closed my eyes and really thought about it. "I cannot get more aroused if I don't think about it .." Meaning, I did lust, okay, but it doesn't mean I have to keep it up. Feeling down there went down, I want to say all of a sudden in the last couple of minutes.

Desire level: 2

10:55

Been working, which was pretty engaging, still feeling a slight tingle down there. Reminded myself again.

Desire level: 1

impressed
thats the way to do it

Well thanks but I am not trying to show off, I am just trying to describe how I try to stay clean, because my writing is very difficult to understand. I wanted to give a concrete example of what I do. What keeps me in the game is the fact that I remember the last time I was tempted to lust, because I thought something to myself at that moment. Every frigging day I am amazed when the desire goes down.

11:34

Been working, reminded myself several times.

Lately I find that I am slipping on reminding myself to engage. I get bogged down a lot thinking "more" (see above). When I do that I get much longer breaks between thoughts.

Desire level: 1

11:46

Went to the bathroom, and that removed the last little bit of uncomfortable feeling down there.

Desire level: 0

Hopefully stay on my toes for the rest of the day. Gotta remember not to drink in my wife's pretty thing that she put on. It's worth doing that so I don't have to do the big experiment all over again ...

who'd she put on that pretty thing for?

I'm just curious:

Doesn't this log cause you to put more emphasis and focus on the things you're trying not to think about?

I couldn't tell you. I don't ask because it's a maladaptive behavior for people like me.

skeptical wrote:


Firstly I am only writing the log to show an example of what I do because it's clearer, otherwise people don't understand my posts. Usually this is only in my head.

Secondly, no. Acting out is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You feel weak, therefore you choose to lust. When I am in the throes of the addiction I would give my desire a level of about a hundred. When I decide to quit I first decide to do it, then I spend about three weeks doing this (see above) and at the end I give it about a 1.

Each time you do this, the yetzer ha-ra helps you. Your thinking error is that you are weak. But if you are mindful of the "before" and "after" feeling, then the desire goes down. It's like game theory in a sense. The Satan tries to knock you down, but he gets weaker if he fails. He runs out of bullets.

I have learned on my skin not to allow myself to go too long without doing the experiment because it saves me big time when I get a big opportunity to lust just out of the blue. If I don't have recent "data" on my desire level then it's very hard. I would rather have a steady but small challenge.

When you don't notice the before and after then all your choices not to lust don't help you. Then your desire stays the same and you feel like you are holding your breath.

cordnoy wrote:


You know it's really not fair to me what you wrote here. Is your wife available every time you knock on her door or something?

Desire level: 4

I wasn't criticizing, just asking.

Hatzlacha!

I know.