Dear GYE:

Thanks for being here. Because you are always there for me, I just had a success. It's motzai Shabbos. I've been learning a lot more, phoning in to Shlomo's class when I am able, and now that it is Elul, I have much more koach and motivation to make a clean break. I've said that before. But now that I've got all my new like-minded kindred spirit here at "GuardYourEyes," I've got brethren that I can talk to about my successes and failures.

Because you are here for me when I need you, tonight I was able to be misgaber on myself. So instead of clicking on a search field and entering some random perverse search pattern of some pornographic remnant of my past, and seeing what old Bing or Google spit out at me, I went straight to GuardYourEyes.com to read some chizuk, and post my thoughts.

This is really helping. I'm shtaiging more, averting my eyes more, being careful when I enter a situation where there might be pritzos (i.e. driving).

Tonight's victory gave me strength and happiness. I now retire to my bed to say Krias Shema, and go to sleep thankful for the extra siyatta d'shmaya that the Aibishter gives me to help me overcome this wicked ta'avah that has plagued me for my entire life.

A gut voch,

Avraham

YEAH!!


KUTGW

What a fortunate man!!!


KOT KUTGW!!!!

Chevrei tonight was another good night. Thanks for being here, for being so supportive, for your words of encouragement and chizuk. Today I learned for a few hours, and then went for a motorcycle ride all the while listening to a great shiur by Rabbi Yossi Mizrachi at www.DivineInformation.com. He has an incredible lecture entitled "The Eternal Reward of RIghteous People." It is the right combination of powerful hisorerus, employing both admonitions of yirah and yearnings for ahava. Then I learned for a few more hours this evening.

As the Yomim Noraim approach, I am invigorated by the presence of all the like-minded men at GYE. You all help me so much, that this time feels different. All the years past, I would daven to HaShem and say, "Hopefully this will be the final year that I have to ask for mechila for sinning with my eyes. I'd go through Elul -- maybe even a few days before -- and then through Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, all the way to the end of Sukkos -- and then within a few days, I'd be right back to my old tricks, searching for new erotic thrills online.

I would justify it by my wife's fufrumpt behavior (unmarried bachurim, stop reading here).

Growing up frei, in the public schools, college fraternity system, etc., everything was all about sex, eroticism, etc. So you know, you become shomer shabbos, shomer negiya, and do forth, and you figure, "OK, I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, now HaShem will give me a kosher outlet with a wife." And to a certain extent that is true.

But you know how it goes, after some pregancies, they are never in the mood, always pushing it off, making us wait till they are ready, not very pliant when it comes to flirtation.

And so I started keeping score. How many times this month did she shoot me down after the leil tevila? How often did she thwart my advances of sexuality, carnal knowledge, more-than-just-affectionate contact, etc.?

60% of the time was a good month. 70-75% of the time was more common. So that gave me a convenient excuse. If she wasn't going to show any interest in satisfying me, in rejoicing over having a loving affectionate husband; if she is always showing more affection to the kids or the dog than me, then I've got another outlet. You know how that story goes.

ANd then one thing leads to another, and before you know it, shifchat zera l'vatala, or just as bad, if not worse, fanstasizing about an affair with a shiksa or a single Jewish woman. And if she's an intermarried Jewess, even better. It's like commiting kosher adultery and doing a mitzvah at the same time. I'm like Mordechai saving Esther HaMalkah from Achashveirosh! Save a Jewish woman from having sex with her shaygetz husband. Break up an intermarriage by being the "other man."

Uh yeah, that's called aveirah goreres aveirah. I never did it, by the way, though I was sorely tempted to try.

Eventually, I took a step back, and said, "Am I for real? Is this what being a baal teshuva is all about?" Learn shas, get to minyan early, dress very frum, everyone calls me "Rabbi," and I'm just the same menuval, only in a black hat. I really ought to change my name to Guido, since l'ma'aseh, I'm more like an Italian mobster, Esav, than a ben Torah, Yaakov.

But here I am. Trying to finally purge this n'tiya for this kind of z'nus from my psyche.

For guys like us who struggle with this temptation, we must always bear in mind that being m'saken THIS midda ra'ah is precisely the reason for which we were misgalgel.

So thanks for your encouragement. Let's all keep on shteiging and trying to make this year really and truly the year in which we break free.

Avraham

Fortunate Man wrote:

I don't know why this popped into my head, but what you wrote here reminded me of a song I used to have in my house when I was a kid.

Lyrics: Rockin' Rabbi by Shlock Rock

Anyway, you sound like you are a growing man. KOT, or should I say, KOM (Keep on Motorcyclin')!