I have been through my ups and my downs but I actually took a step back the other day and I realised something amazing. Something I had not realized before.
If I look back at my habbit over the last number of years, I know that it included looking at more and more extreme stuff all the time. There were certain fetishes that I had and these were the objects of my lust. I have posted previously about how I got here and thats a pretty long story. I have tried and fallen and tried and fallen but in truth its all been about the journey. Each time trying new things that worked for a while and then I would fall off the band wagon and I would get depressed until I could pick myself up again for the next while.
I have taken some level of caution re: loading a filter on my computer and Ipad. but somehow turned to my cell phone for my fix. That went on too for a while untill I decided to take the next step and load the GYE filter on my blackberyy (whew that took a lot for me to do... simply becuase I was cutting myself out of so much) BH its been great. I have been tempted to look, but have not been able to.
The realization was this. Although I still fall on the occasion, these have been far more stretched apart and in addition to this, the content that I have been seeking has been far "less extreme" its smaller things. Now I know that, there is no big or small when it comes to this, but for me its about the gradual process and journey. where once I was seeking out far more hectic stuff, I have now cut that down to more tame content. now that my phone blocks out everything I am still left with the challenge.... but the challenge is my thoughts. Those are in some way more difficult but in some way less difficult to control. Men are graphic beings and when we are faced with graphics I found it almost impossible to pull away... knowing in the back of my mind that what I was doing was hazardas to me, my wife, my connection to the world and my creator. I could rarely hold back in-spite of the danger. without the images, literature, I have only my mind. I can far more easily recognize what I am thinking about and shift those thoughts more easily and as time goes by and I do this more often I am training myself and my mind to think about the things I want to think about rather than my animilitic thoughts that randomly pop onto my head.
Take away the temptation and then work on this... although I still fall, I am grateful that I am better off than I was 6 months ago or even a year go.
So keep on pushing, it might not look like its working but accept where you were and where you are and see the small steps as necessarily for ultimate success
