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I didn't mean to hurt you and I apologize, however, you must understand that to come onto a forum where hundreds of yidden are trying to stop these destructive and addictive behaviors, and to post advice from an anonymous Rav who is quoting anonymous sources that there's nothing wrong with it, do you really think we will leave that on? This advice may be what you needed to hear, and after reading your story and what you went through, I doubt many others have been through so much. So it is doubtful that the advice meant for you was meant for others. Secondly, Rabbanim generally don't have an understanding in addiction. If you want to know what works for destructive addictions, join a 12-Step group. Quoting Rabbanim will not help us here. 99% of the guys here had spoken or asked advice from Rabbanim before coming to GYE and it didn't get them very far. It takes one to know one. Read the GYE Handbook, listen to those who have been there and gotten out, and please use discretion when posting on this forum.

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Emuniyahu, with all due respect.

This site is not only about porn. M*** is a grave sin, actually worse than looking at porn. And it is the main thing that is so addictive and which so many of us are trying to break our bad habits in regard to. So to have someone come here and say in the name of an unknown Rov that it's perfectly normal and nothing to be ashamed of is kind of counterproductive.

I'm sure that your Rav felt that in your situation it was the right advice at the time, and he probably felt that it would be best for you to work on giving up the sin in stages and not all at once. Maybe you needed to be a little more clear that the advice was for you personally at the point where you were at.

You have truly gone through a lot, and are fighting a great battle. I wish you continued success and growth.

Gevura!

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Dear Emuniyahu,

I'd rather not get into the rightness or wrongness of the approach of that Rov. What would be my place in such a serious Torah discussion? What I will say is this: I feel that the truth about yourself - the very real person you refer to here (for some reason) with a stagename - is far more relevant than this Rav's spak, opinion, or whatever people want to call it.

Please lose the shame and feel free to describe exactly how often you have been looking at porn, how often you have been having sex with yourself, what kind of porn or fantasies you typically choose to use, and what other sexual behaviors you engage in that you see you have been failing at...in other words, what really brought you here?

What brought me to go to meet with other recovering people for help was that my habit of porn use, sex-with-self, cruising watching women, phone sex, dirty books and movies, and meeting women for sex-related services (though not sex), was a process that slowly grew over a period of fifteen years. Marriage made it all much worse (contrary to the advice of a well-meaning rov), asking my wife to be more sexual with me (advice of another well-meaning rov) made it even worse, fighting it and struggling in near-total secrecy drew me further into self-lying and spiritual isolation, and I got worse and worse. It started with just a little porn use, not masturbation...just to let the pressure off from the bitter struggle. I knew that when I finally "gave in" and had sex with myself (you call that "masturbation") I could again think clearly and reach for Hashem wholeheartedly...it felt like I was doing OK again! But of course that would always just make it harder to say no the next time, and upped the anty to make me need more the next time.

What i am saying is: how about talking/writing about yourself from now on, instead of about "the Torah". You - and all of us - will get much, much further that way. And also, no feelings will be hurt! For our weakness is a davar hashoveh l'chol nefesh, here.

Love,

Dov

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Not exactly. You wrote a great deal about the very hard hand Hashem has dealt you in the early part of your life, detailed your emotional struggles and pain, and reactions to that. You mentioned porn in passing. You only mention masturbation with respect to yhe advice you sought from the Rov who (boruch Hashem) saw your guilt and emotional pain as a huge factor and responded (as you recorded).

Hey, you came here for help and to give help to others - but I hope you can understand: you came onto a website all about stopping internet porn use, habitual masturbation and promiscuity - and talked about how the act of sex with ourselves is not really as big a halachic issue as many see it. So people reacted. OK.

Please get back to you and your actual problem habits. Your experience will really help others, and will demonstrate the connection we all have here: recovery and ultimately, teshuvah. I figure you want that - because why do you wish for acceptance and compassion, if not because you want to change in some way?

So...what in YOU do you want Hashem to help you to change?

That's what we are all here for, too!

ouch

Ouch? Is that it? We all have pain here. You are not unique in that respect, Emuniyahu.

I wrote from the heart, explaining a way to see why you did not get the reaction you wanted - but if it makes sense to you then the least you could do for your own peace would be to judge the censorship l'kaf zechus, as you want them to see you.

So...back to tachlis - what are you here for now? Recovery? Then go for it amigo, and don't give up.