wow, I was doing pretty well, then I fell again tonight. My initial reaction was panic. My reaction to the panic was satisfaction - if I'm scared that I'm not able to stop from lusting, maybe I've hit bottom. But my reaction to that was that fear is not good and that I am not scared of the future. What will be, will be. I live in the Now. Which reaction is better? I think there has to be a way to not be scared of the future and at the same time to calmly hit bottom and feel (calmly) that you are stuck at the bottom of a pit and there is no way out on your own. I don't think the meaning of hitting bottom is hysteria. Hysteria breeds clouded thinking and that's not what I want.
My current life situation is such that I am addicted to pornography and masturbation. I have to accept that because you can't fight reality. It is what it is. I may be able to change my status of addiction, I don't know.
There is nothing wrong with addiction per se so it's not hard to accept that, really. What comes with it is a little bit harder though. I need to make an honest evaluation of myself and figure out what will trigger acting out and what I need to get away from. That is hard work. If I'm honest, I will end up doing some things which I don't want to do but which I should do to aid in my recovery. But I accept that as well.
What I can't accept is messing up the life of my future wife and kids. I don't want them to have a father/husband who is messed up and can't care for them properly. That is the number one reason why I want to recover and stop acting out.
I also don't want to waste my time anymore. It's so time consuming b/c I can't suffice with a few minutes of pleasure anymore. It's hours and hours of work, getting to all the garbage. When I'm in the mindframe of wanting it, it's useless to argue with the fact that it's a waste of time. I need to get far away from the edge.
I just don't want to waste my time and divert my focus. It's a fact that there are different modes: sick and recovering. Sick just stinks. It means that I'm constantly fighting or giving in to the impulses and this takes up my mind all the time. I need to get back into recovery mode.

Sheesh, this is hard. But it's necessary :D I just gotta pull this together.

Ok, I'm calling my Rabbi tomorrow and asking him whether I should tell my parents about my addiction so that they can offer support when I need it.

Omg I read from the begining and as it went on and on, all I say it's like a move showing us how this disease works man. Keep strong.

I woke up this morning with an urge to masturbate. I fought it for a minute and then gave in. I didn't want the whole porn deal, just some fantasizing.
So, I obviously haven't actually taken any action yet, at least not action that is helping me. My life situation right now is not conducive to holiness, it's a very tempting environment, but that doesn't mean I can't do my best to not fall under the circumstances. It's not all or nothing, I can only do my best. True, my biased, self centered self wants to be clean forever and to not be addicted anymore, but I don't really have so much fighting strength left in me b/c I'm an addict. All I have is the ability to put some fences up which can aid me. I can Daven and ask Hashem for help. I'm just so limited. If I wasn't addicted, I might be able to walk a fine line and get close to the edge and still make a decision that I will not fall, but I am addicted. I'm remaining positive though; As long as I have any choice left in me, I can make the right choice within my limits. I'm in Hashem's care now, it's time to give up control to Him. I just gotta grab hold of His Hand and do my best. If I'm not trying, I am at fault, but if I'm trying, there's nothing to worry about.

I may be wrong, as I often am, but I'm having a little trouble with a cavalier "lo noga v'lo poga" attitude following a masturbation binge. I think I would be devastated and I know my sponsor, who lost 4 years of sobriety to a one-time sex with himself (5.5 years ago), has been totally crushed by it. From the way he related this story to me, I inferred that this feeling of being devastated is a strong deterrent from doing it again.
But if I am all giddy and "no matter if I fall as long as I get up" then what inner barriers do I have to stop me from "nefila, charoto, nefila, charoto" cycle?
Just my two cents, as misguided as they may be.

I'm doing waaay better. I'm nowhere near where I'm striving to reach, but I know how much I've grown internally today from the fact that I just looked at my post from this morning and I wasn't sure at the beginning whether it was from this morning! That morning when I mast**** seems so far off... surely it wasn't today?! But it was.

I did Teshuva today and promised Hashem that I will not MZL again. For the first time, I joined a 12 step group today. I read some of the points on the attitude handbook. I will work on getting a sponsor next. It's time to do some hard work which I haven't done yet. I need to get my act together and have someone to help me who will not accept my excuses.
I think that what was helpful to me in achieving this success today, was my awareness and acceptance of reality. In the past, when I was at a low place, I would try to drown my feelings with more P&M. I was unconscious for a very long time and it took very powerful pain to get me to acknowledge where I was holding and that I had a problem. This time, I decided that I would be as conscious as possible and feel the pain, acknowledge it's existence. This allowed me to very quickly make some value judgements and realize that I can choose one of 2 paths: the easy path to hell or the hard path to life and happiness. The contrast was obvious. In the past, I would sometimes awaken from my unconsciousness in a state of desperation, suddenly realizing how low I was. Focusing on my lowliness and how far down I was, was not helpful in getting me back on track. Instead of taking the right path and staying on it, it would cause me to be very anxious and make a short and futile attempt at staying sober and I would then fall back in desperation. My new attitude does not allow fear or anxiety. I accept reality as it is. As they say in the Serenity prayer: Hashem, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the power to change the things I can etc.
I can't change what already took place in the past. Even if it was a moment ago, it's still past. I don't live in the past. Ever. I live Now. Yes, I feel pain when I have fallen after a 6 month streak. It's very painful and I use that to my advantage. It drives me to change and helps me to not fall again in the future. But I don't become hysterical about falls and I don't lose my mind. I calmly accept the pain and let it be there.

I feel much better overall and I'm looking forward to continuing!

Today has been a clean day after the initial fall this morning! I'm very excited b/c I'm hoping to have a sponsor soon and begin in a 12 call and a real 12 step meeting!
I'm so happy that things are working out.

You ready to start living again?

'cuz i wanna come along

wow, day 2!(it's not over yet...)
I've spoken to 3 people from the forum by phone. I have a sponsor. I've joined a phone 12 steps group. I'm definitely trying harder.
I've been thinking a lot about what Dov said the other day about not focusing on inspiration, rather on action. He is so right and I'm trying to build that into my day now. I used to tell myself that inspiration was the key and that's simply not true. Inspiration is nice and helpful but it's just not enough.
Today I had someone to finally speak to and he let me know that certain things I was doing are probably not ok. I now finally have someone to help keep me in check.

Mazel Tov!
Drank Woodford yet?
second thought... don't take that first drink 

wow KH, you're rocking and rolling
kol hakavod
KUTGW
thanks for sharing the good stuff
have a great shabbos
zs

obormottel wrote on 08 Feb 2012 19:16:

I hear you loud and clear.  I had a lot of barriers that I broke.  When I turn 20, when I get married, when I turn 30... All broken.  My newest barrier is that my wife knows, and if I fall, I will have to tell her, and that will be hell for both her and me.  That barrier seems real to me now.  I am terrified of breaking it.  Not because it will hurt, but because if I break that barrier, it won't bother me as much to act out and tell my wife the next time.  In other words, I will have lost my barrier, and there's no telling how far I can fall.  It's like the guy who jumps out of a plane.  His first parachute fails,  he tries the emergency parachute.  If that fails, he's really in trouble.

It's so nice and life-giving to know that I have people I can call when I want, to tell me if my brain is working or not. I am so excited to begin with the 12 steps in a group setting soon (Sunday!).
Throughout the last 6 months when I  was clean, I always had this uneasy feeling that I was close to falling. Looking back, it's obvious that this was because I was never really that safe and I was walking close to the edge a lot of the time. Maybe Hashem wanted me to fall so that I could get up stronger with the fences I need. I guess I should really erect all the necessary fences this time so that I don't have to fall again.

__________


One of the biggest things they teach in recovery is one day at a time. What does this mean? This is a pretty broad idea that encompasses many smaller ideas. One thing this would include is the idea of not counting days. It doesn't really matter how sober I've been in the past. It doesn't matter today how sober I will be tomorrow.
Actually, it doesn't matter how sober I was 5 minutes or 5 seconds ago and it also doesn't matter for my choices right now, how sober I will be in 5 seconds from now. Life is always occurs in the present moment. Throughout my life, have I ever LIVED the past or future? I've stopped living many times and accessed memories or fantasies in my mind. The mind is a useful tool but it can also be one's worst enemy. Our mind loves past and future. It is full of memories of the past and fake constructions of the future which it bases on the past. When one lets the mind do what it wants, one can easily spend most of their day not alive. The more one is aware of the present moment, the more alive one is. Our Jewish bonus is that we actually have the tools to utilize the present in the best possible way. We can learn Torah and do Chesed in those moments. Imagine the quality of an ALIVE MOMENT, coupled with acts of BEAUTY and BUILDING which increase Hashem's presence in the world. Such moments are incredible. But how many times throughout the day do I actually take advantage of those moments? I have so many opportunities as a learned Jew to grow so much.

I need to start living life and filling it with beauty!

I am so happy that I am an addict! If I wasn't addicted to shmutz, would I really know what being helpless means and realize that I am helpless in every area of life and that everything that I took for granted is really a gift from Hashem?
If I wasn't addicted, would I feel the pain I'm feeling now and realize that I must do Teshuva and change myself so much that I become unrecognizable to my old self? Would I have the inner urge and strength of will to strip my personality down and make an accounting of my strengths and weaknesses and fight to fix what I can in myself?
If I hadn't become addicted, I would probably feel content with my service of G-D and dance all the way to my grave, thinking that I have fulfilled my Tafkid to perfection, lying to myself about my belief in G-D and my trust in him, lying about my integrity as a human being, lying about imperfections.
Being so utterly and blatantly imperfect and being exposed is the biggest blessing I could get from Hashem. It is such a gift to receive this helping hand from Hashem. Throughout this whole experience, He has proven to me, in what I thought to be the darkest times, that He loves me. He was there always, just waiting behind the wall which I myself had erected, waiting for me to come to the other side.

I spoke with my sponsor today. I am so blessed to finally have that. Having someone to talk to vs. not is light and day. We spoke about the addictive attitude of taking all the time, how every interaction with others is about how I can gain from this and if a woman is not beautiful or a guy is not cool and funny, we lose interest. That is a sick attitude. A healthy, giving attitude, doesn't discriminate. To the contrary, if someone is needy and has some kind of defect, they need our attention even more and it's appropriate to connect with them. The attitude of giving is one that unites everyone and allows for a deeper look into a person and a real connection born out of meaningful things. That is real love. Such connections are the most powerful things in the world and are so beautiful. There's no comparison between that and the disgusting addict's attitude of taking and caring only about oneself.

In addition, I made a real Shevua today for the first time, in context of the Taphsic method.
The Shevua was based on the generic one found on the website and the details were that it is a shevua until tomorrow noon, that should I fall after having called 2 people who know of my addiction and speaking to them for at least 5 minutes, or after having taken a 20 minute run, or after having learned gemmara for an hour, I have to donate $50 to GYE. If I fall without having done any of the above within 90 min (I think) of the fall, I have to donate $1,000 to GYE.
One donation for every 3 hour time frame in which I fall.

Just got off my first full 12 steps phone call session. It was great to share and talk with other people who are dealing with this.

I have a strong desire to count days and figure out how many I've been clean but I don't really want to do that. I don't want to care anymore about how long I've been clean b/c it doesn't really matter how long. All that matters is this moment right now because that's all I ever have. That's all that life is. I don't want to approach the six months salivating. I don't want to throw parties for my hebrew and english 1 year sobriety anniversaries. I realize that all that stuff is just another way of feeding my ego and telling myself that I am good or special.
Well, actually, my sobriety is not due to me and if Hashem wanted, I would never be sober even for a moment. If He wanted, I would be miserable for the rest of my life. If I want to count days, count the days that Hashem has been kind to me and helped me when I didn't deserve it (every day of my life). Stop building up a fake "self" in your mind that consists of what you consider your achievements b/c you have none. You haven't ever achieved anything. Ironically, this mind frame is what achieves the most b/c when you show Hashem that the Koach he's channeling through you humbles you and you recognize it for what it is (his koach), He gives you even more of it b/c you know how to appreciate it properly and not abuse it.