I am in my 40's. My second marriage. My first ended because of multiple affairs. Ath that time I spent hour upon hour in Torah study. I attended the place of assembly reguglarly. I formed small groups of men for accountability, and yet I failed again and again.
Two things led to success: stark accountability and brokenness before HaShem's presence. Two things keep me safe now: full accountability to my wife, and the fear of losing again what I lost: my reputation, my children, employment, the respect of my sons and first wife, thousands of dollars of child support, etc.

I am now a shift supervisor in a retail store. I have working with me many young, attractive, and attentive females.  There is always for me an initial attraction, but if I refuse to act out of that attraction, it subsides, and I realize it was just infatuation. My wife often asks me if I'm having "trouble" with anyone. I tell her. We pray, or she prays for me. (I do not feel anything then, it seems the confession is more empowering than the prayer, or so it seems)
I am working on not being so personal with the opposite sex. It is hard, I like to be involved in peoples' lives, male and female. I care when people are sad. I look out for the little guy. My wife warns me to maintain a professional relationship with my female coworkers.
The first thing to guard against it to avoid flattering compliments toward them. You may think it, but don't say it. The compulsion will pass, and you'll be glad you didn't say anything later.
A final note of encouragement: I have found that when I resist those I believe are available, that if I am strong enough, long enough, HaShem removes them from my workplace. They quit, move away, get fired. It's as if he says to me, "You've endured long enough! No more torture".
Then, another comes. But with each new coworker I become stronger and stronger.
I have to remember, I am not only standing for myself, but for Jews everywhere, even for Israel itself!

"Say to Wisdom, 'You are my sister!' and call Understanding, 'Friend!' that they may safeguard you from a forbidden woman, from a strange woman who makes her words glib" Proverbs 7:4,5

Berachot,
Tahor

When I read such things from holy Jews like you, what they have been through and how they have learned to give Hashem their hearts, it brings tears to my eyes. Tahor, you are holding up the world. You are doing more for the good of klal Yisrael than even some big Rosh Yeshivos, and no one even knows. It's the simple "shift supervisor" who is shaking the upper worlds with his pure Teshuvah. Ashreinu that we have people like you in Klal Yisrael! May you serve as a source of inspiration to everyone on our forum and site. As a matter of fact, today I will bl"n send out what you wrote here, to all 200 of our Chizuk e-mail members. May this serve as a merit to you to keep you strong in your service of Hashem, as great as the kohanim who brought the Karbonos on the Mizbe'ach in the Beis Hamikdash - "zeh Ha'Isheh asher Takrivu La'hashem". Ishe means also "woman". And that is what you are sacrificing each day. In heaven it is announced each day "Today's Korbon Tamid was brought by Tahor".

tahor - i know it took a lot of courage to relate your story - but i think it will do a world of good for us strugglers.there's a rashi in the beginning of achrei mos that tells of the person who goes to a doctor and the doctor tells him not to eat a certain food.then he goes to a different doctor but this time the doctor says 'dont eat that food or you'll die'. which doctor has more of an effect? your story points out the real dangers of where this yetzer hara can lead.everybody - do you hear what tahor is telling us? he's the second doctor!
jack

Your post speaks to me.  I have worked hard to distance myself from men who spark a temptation.  In fact, I don't ever make full eye contact with men anymore - I am not strong enough and I don't even want to know if there is a glimmer of interest there.

Happy is your lot, holy woman of valor! Like in today's chizuk e-mail, you can see now in retrospect how this struggle has lifted you to heights that would otherwise not have been possible!

struggling woman, Your schar for this is amazing! I too have not made full eye contact with women for almost a year! It is the only way for us to succeed We MUST  go to the extreme sometimes in order to fulfill Hashem's will!

Chazak V'Ematz!

Thanks for the encouraging words.  The hard part is that my yetzer horah WANTS to be noticed and admired by men.  I WANT to see that there is a glimmer of appreciation or attraction.  But my yetzer tov asks me why I would want to make myself or another yid fall?  So, I keep my eyes to myself and am careful not to engage in excess or frivilous conversation or joking with members of the opposite sex.  Unfortunately, I have had to have a few bad experiences to learn this lesson that other women know inately.

strugglingwoman wrote on 22 Jan 2009 17:25:


Instead you have the eyes of G-D upon you and admiring you.

our "bad experiences" are the tools with which we fight our battles! Don't let them get you down, instead use them to climb higher in the future!

Chazak V'Ematz!

True - Hashem's eyes and opinion are what matter most!  The next opinion that should matter is my own!

Of course, because the entire world was created for YOU!

YOU can make, or break, this world. Your every action makes a HUGE difference.

Don't listen to the Yetzer Hara who tries to convince you that it's too late, you did too much wrong. nothing you do now  matters etc. It's all hogwash! IGNORE HIM. His opinion doesn't matter, YOURS does.

Chazak V'Ematz!

bs"d

Hi Tahor,

i know this is already an older thread, but i just wanted to thank your for sharing your story. I have similar struggles.

Oh, and one of the things that helped me most (so far), a part from reading the posts, is the end of the story "Today is the first day" (here on this website), where it talks about the difference between sex and relations, between sex partners and one's bashert.