bardichev wrote on 27 Dec 2010 23:05:


it is in your pub - nowhere else

hi all, - an honest mouse etc

thanks alot for your various tips on ways with which best to inebriate myself - i will bear them in mind when next ordering my tequila at my local! Having said that - the water in my local mikva is quite intoxicating by late friday afternoon so i may just go for a double dose (and dip) of that instead!

just to say that since i passed that gragantuan test the other day - its been a total turnaround in terms of my spirits and general feeling. I just dont want this 'feeling on high' to end anytime soon.

any idead on how i can acheive this (weed, skunk, drugs rock and roll not included!)?

after speaking in person with a member of this forum recently - i must mention that it is the small tet a tets that make such a difference to me. knowing that i can converse in person with a someone who is not judgemental because they themselves are going through the same struggle is a huge lift for me. so i say this from the heart of my bottom and the bottom of my heart - a groise yasher koiach - you know who you are!

oh, and by the way before you all get the impression that i'm a 'user' of alternate medicinal boosting therapies - i'm not! but i should be so lucky!! nah kidding

much love

Y

hi RG,

i must admit i never tried using the mikva water for it's alternate medicinal boosting therapies but it sounds intriguing...

i feel the same way about talking with other members in person, it showed me that i am not the only one who went through this and that we can support each other in the struggle. good for you for finding a 'chavrusa' to give/get chizuk.

what you said about how you feel 'high' and that you're floating on the clouds, i think we can safely assume that it won't stay that way. inspiration comes and goes. we need to utilize the inspiration while we have it but ultimately the challenge is how we live when it's gone. did you ever read "Living Inspired" by Rabbi Akiva Tatz? he speaks about this idea a lot.

anyway, it's great to have you here as part of the forum and i wish you continued hatzlocha
zs

I second ZemirosShabbos's statement that the feeling will ebb. Remember how good it felt! Use this as an incentive to help you stay afloat next time. Ask Hashem to let you relive it again & again!


Concerning the talking with others; I found that I was helped even more through talking than posting!!!  Boruch Hashem, I have the phone numbers of a few guys whom I regularly call. It is thanks to them that I am in my present state!!!

In fact, I think we do much better if we can stay even keel.

When we're high, we become too sure of ourselves.  When we're low, we feel hopeless and run to our fix for comfort and relief.

The trick is to be able to pull yourself up when you're down (call someone, this usually helps), and to bring yourself down a few notches when you notice you've got to look down to see the clouds.

--Eye.

another day, another battle but my guard is still up.

be strong i hear myself say.......i wish i had the strength and pray that i can be strong all of the time....

KOT

Don't react to triggers

No matter what

Tishma! (Herr ois)

The real growth is now

When we are on the HIGH of the initial braek that's terrific

But here is the real work


The chafets chaim

Explains that in the initial break the YH gives u some "space"

But then he will come roaring back

He has a mashal for it

I must have posted it many times

A wealthy man notices things are missing from his house

As soon as he calls a detective

The thievery stops

The thief is actually a hose person he is doing an inside job

The thief actually helps with the investigation

When the police leave. The theft goes on and on

So be wary of an inside job 

Ty bard!

Lovely stuff!

Yeah I was half expecting him to have a go at me

But luckily I'm standing firm so far.

Long may it last!

How long are you gonna keep us waiting for your next post?


You are one of the GYE Heroes. We all want to hear from you!

Hello everyone,

I'm sorry I've taken soooo long to re-post but I'll explain...
Firstly, just that you should all know, bli ayin hara, I've had no falls and am still 100% clean since ellul.

I have been travelling to and from Germany on business for my sins and I haven't had the time to even pick my nose never mind writing essays!

But the main reason why I went quiet was because I tried some advice that was posted on my thread that suggested that I take a short break from GYE and work on myself without putting pressure on myself to constantly 'update'. I have since learnt that I owe it to u guys to keep you informed so here goes....

As u know I underwent a monumental change in my life. From a life of cheating with my heart and eyes to a life of admission, submission and sincerity.

It started out well and good and I gave myself the proverbial 'pat on the back' for my perceived good changes. Don't get me wrong, I was and still am proud of my achievement as only I will ever truly know the difference of what I once was to what I am now.

As I originally posted, my particular issue was the notion that I was intensely addicted to online p**n. My whole life circumnavigated around unsupervised web access and I always knew that if someone knew of my web activity, I would change for the better.
Well that day did arrive as well documented and yes, my life did change. And yes, it was and is damn hard but the changes I've made are beginning to take root.

Of course there were lows, times of lust and there are still times of 'regret'. On a few occasions I have come oh so close to total capitulation and reversal from all the good work done...and I still fear that the harder I work on myself the harder the challenges present themselves.

But, I cannot reiterate enough how much better I feel. One thing is certain and cannot be ignored, my eyes have not seen an impure image for nearly 5 months. That can't be bad! As a result of my accountability to my partners, I have not been on any website that is even questionable. Having accountability partners that are aware of ur web activity does have its amusing moments it must be said. The other day I got a call from my wife (she gets my reports along with my Pa) asking me why I was on a particular ladies gifts website!
In truth, I was trying to buy her a gift (she just passed her driving test after 5 years of learning!), so the surprise factor was lost! All the same, its a price worth paying in the long run!

So, yes, I'm still here to keep u all abreast of my progress, hopefully I won't need to be travelling to europe in the coming weeks so that gives me more opportunity to connect and interact with my fellow warriors.

The hour is late and its well past my bedtime so I'll sign off for now, still got lots to dissect and discuss but I'm here to stay, I'm not going away!

Much love,

Y

Ps) special thanks to Bard for constantly worrying for me and keeping me on my toes!

RGI glad to hear you're doing well.  Continued hatzlacha.

thanks for checking back here
you inspire me and methinks it can only do you good to be here as well
chazak ve'amatz

Glad to hear you are doing so well.

--Eye.

Mazel Tov!

Thanks all for your support....

If only you guys knew how amazing g-d is, seriously....

Let me tell you why. I still can’t believe it and it shocked me to the core and suffice to say gave me a powerful dose of reality check.

As you know, i have been making steady progress since my clean break nearly 6 months ago.  I have witnessed firsthand the benefits of a clear mind and conscience to my heart and soul and i know that the real benefits are still to come.

But as we all know, trying to live a new life without addiction is tough - very tough. Essentially, we are like new blind men - trying to learn the route home with no aid other than a white stick. We will stumble from time to time on things we never knew existed, then we will learn to navigate away from areas we know contain trip hazards, then we will learn slowly to face the world with confidence - only for a new trip hazard to spring up right outside our doorstep.

I was fortunate enough through GYE to make contact with a fellow equal. Someone who has been there got the sun tan and autographed T shirt to boot. We started conversing on a semi regular basis and gave each other strength and chizzuk from time to time. For me it was a first. Being able to actually talk to a man who understands me and is no different to me in areas where we both struggle. Then it sort of became less regular as we both got on with our lives.
Then yesterday, I was having a really tough day. It started out really well and things were going to plan. But then, a wave of lust overtook me when I was feeling vulnerable. I was away on a job and alone and deserted from my natural surroundings. This wasn’t something ‘new’, I had experienced this in the recent past but was always able to fend off the YH advances before it was too late. But this time, my entire body and skeleton convinced me to act out. I made millions of on the spot calculations and chesboinos on how it was going to be fine if I ‘fell’ and all would be ok.  Then I went fully focused on my way to doing what I intended.
I was a hairsbreadth away from my ‘task’ when, out of the blue my chaver called me! He never usually calls me during the day as we both have jobs. I was stunned, gobsmacked. He asked how I was and I slurred my way through a brief conversation with him my mind in a trance. He told me a beautiful d’var torah – his own shtikkel on the words Boruch Hagever asher yiftach ba-shem, vehoyoh ha-shem mivtacho.

If this wasn’t a clear case of Hashgacha Pratis– my name is Elvis Presley.
We ended the conversation and I just sat there allowing the realization to sink in. How did he know to call me? Why now???
Initially (for the first few seconds) I was annoyed that he had ‘ruined’ my plan but those feelings were quickly replaced by feelings of gratitude to Ha-shem and my chaver for being there for me when I needed them most.
I slowly began to return to my senses and the danger passed b’h.
That type of Hashgacha has never happened to me before – so clear cut, so direct, so timed to perfection!
So, in tribute to my chaver and with gratitude to the yoide’ah machshovois, I decided to post this.
Thank you so much, it has made me into a better person already.
Y