I'm having a really hard time staying away from porn on public computers. I tell myself "It's ok, I'm not spilling seed, I'm not having sex, just a bit of fun". But every time, I come away with such a strong obsession about calling the woman that makes herself available to me (pretty much absolutely, at any time) that it's so hard to resist with the pornographic images in my head. I have a lot of free time and I"m trying to fill it with good activities, but I'm sort of in an inbetween stage and it's hard to keep my mind off it. It truly becomes an obsession. Last night I was trying to sleep and I couldn't get the images out of my head, and eventually I remembered about calling on Hashem to remove the lust from me and I realized that this is not a war between me and the computer, or me and the woman, but it's about my relationship to Hashem. He wants me to rely on him for help, to come closer to Him, and then He will take away the self-destructive urge, as he has done for weeks at a time in the past. But the battle remains difficult nonetheless, and I fear that I am losing.

aryehtahor wrote on 19 Nov 2010 17:42:


Great attitude AT. It sounds like the Tefillah helped! I think that fear of losing is good ol' Y"Hara trying to tell you it's hopeless. There's many people who have recovered from the same lusts you describe. Seek them out on the forums and the phone conferences and find out how they swim.

Good Shabbos!

Aryeh everyday i see you growing. Keep it up.

Aryeh, are there any 12-Step SA groups in your area?

Guard,

I believe there may be, but I will not be here for more than another 3 weeks, so I don't see too much point in starting up with a group and leaving so soon. On the other hand, I'm headed to Yerushalayim where I hear there are many SA groups and if this continues to be an issue, even while in Yeshiva with no computer and with this woman many miles away, I will get involved with such a group. I have a feeling that I am an addict and that I'll never have a proper marriage unless I own up to the problem and get into the 12 steps. But I think if I can be proccupied with other matters the next few weeks, I'll make it to yeshiva clean. The challenge is keeping busy so that I don't have time to lust.

In other news, I am reading "Light of Ephraim" and finding it interesting (whether or not it's helpful, I'll have to wait and see).

Giving in to Lust is a problem no matter how, when, and where we do it, and it tends to lead us down a bad road.

I struggled and struggled and sweated out the nights and then Hashem gave me a present. That woman who was such a nisayon to me messaged me and said she is no longer available and not interested and found someone else.

The last few days I have seen a tremendous amount of light illuminating life for me. It really is true that if you struggle with this, Hashem loves it and sends gifts. I am thankful for the opportunity of wrestling with this and having the opportunity to give Hashem pleasure in my struggle if I succeed. And I feel more optimistic now that I've seen that I can beat a very strong Yetzer Hara with Hashem's help.

I hope the light doesn't depart and that I remain vigilant and an eved Hashem. Thanks to all those who helped me during this time.

Unbelievable! B"H.

GEVALDIGGGGGGGGG!!!!!

That is great news!

But if there's one thing I've learned, it's that we generally have the opportunity to mess our lives up again, even if hashem does help us out of the mud. No matter what happens, no matter where we are, we need to get into recovery, or we're dead.

use this breathing room to start the work you need to do.

SB, you are so right. Guess what? After all that, I catapulted myself into the mud again, and worse than it's been for a long time. Last week I fell numerous times on public computers, and I got really depressed and would sleep like 15 hours a day and when I wasn't sleeping, I would often just gaze into space feeling sorry for myself and miserable and scared. I even called up that woman looking for some support since I don't really have anyone else. Thank G-d she's not available and I can't have sex with her. I sort of got a boost this shabbos and was feeling better but then I fell badly again on the internet and now I just feel disgusting, and confused, like I don't even know what's right anymore, who I am, where I'm going. I'm about to go to Yeshiva and I'm so afraid I'm going to blow it after all this time of dreaming to go to Yeshiva, I'm coming into it weak and confused. I feel completely disconnected from Hashem and have even questioned whether he exists. (sigh) What will be?

Last night, after falling again on a public computer and then feeling horrible and calling up that woman again to complain about my life, she didn't answer. So I got in my car without starting it and finally had a chat with Hashem. After all, who else was I going to talk to? Hashem was literally the only one left for me. And of course I discovered that the last address I went to was the right one all along. I got an infusion of emuna and I felt so much better, like I saw everything making sense as part of a plan, and I truly believed that I was in the final stage of Mitzrayim (49th level of tumah) and prepped for the redemption. I'm nervous about starting full-time Torah study and scared that I'll crash with disappointment that its not working out the way I hoped. But there was a deeper level where I somehow knew that my future would not be like my past, and that I would see miracles if I just stay on track. I regained hope, and therefore, a renewed will to live.

Note to self : Don't give up. Ask Hashem for help before I'm literally forced to. He really IS there and he's helping me every step of the way.

The biggest miracle is that hashem gives us free will. And that free will enables us to do amazing things, and life can be beautiful. And if it isn't - it's our job to keep working on it, and that work, itself, is beautiful!

Glad to hear that you're still in the game, my friend. Start your work now - no matter how great eretz yisroel is, no matter how wonderful full-time learning is (and they are amazing), that's not going to magically make you healthy. As I mentioned - there will always be tests.

Going to meetings may be nice (and I am certainly a big fan of that) but I get the feeling that you are riding this recovery train basically alone. Is that accurate? I found that I needed real people to call daily, to meet in person weekly, and that finding and keeping a close program friend (sponsor) is indispensable for working the steps in my real life so that progress doesn't get flushed down the toilet when I plotz sometimes.

We all plotz (a lot).

Plotz, plotz, plotz. We are all plotzoholics.

Plotzingly,

Dov