Guard, perfect timing. I've been having such a rotten day and feeling more and more worthless that I was just about to give up and go to a computer where I can act out. But I checked GYE first and saw your post and I feel that it must be hashgacha pratis that you posted these inspiring words. I think I can make it through tonight without acting out because of your post.

I don't want to stop to analyze why my day was rotten, and why I'm unhappy with life at the moment, and feel alienated from my world and want to run from everything to shmutz, or go to sleep, or try to escape some other way. I just want to try to keep my head up and keep on trucking and not think too hard. Thinking always screws me up.

Arye, exactly as u said don't think too much about it, just move on with life, and guard besides of giving u an awesome reply and tremendous chizak, he always pops in the right time, that's what chazal mean by saying mgalgalin zchus al ydei zakai

Guard... that was really beautiful... and completely nichnas el halev.

Aryeh, be well my friend and stay strong. Please feel free to reach out whenever you need to. You have my PM!

Talk to a Rabbi who is wise and experienced  with bali teshuva. It is my impession that allot of what you are experincing is very comman with bali teshuva and is part of the process of becoming frum.

Holy brother, if you want to post, POST away. You don't need to go to the mikva to post here. We love all posters who add something. Anyways the forum could use some people who post often.

Good luck.

Guard's post also reminded me to get out my copy of The Garden of Emuna. I spent some time last night reading it before bed. I've already read the book once and I've started to read it a second time. When I feel like I'm headed down the drain, I've found that the most effective remedy is to read/listen/speak/connect in some way to something spiritual. What got me through last week was listening to a shiur by Esther Jungreis in my car. How easily I forget the yesodos of emuna unless I keep on reminding myself.

aryehtahor wrote on 10 Nov 2010 15:13:

hi Aryeh,
this concept rings very true to me. the best remedy and most valuable technique to elevate onself is to review and internalize the basics of yiddishkeit, not the fancy and complex concepts.
thanks for reminding me.
zs

Yesterday I fell. Falling for me means looking at internet pornography. It wasn't the worst kind of fall, since I only spent 10 minutes or so looking and then stopped. I had tried hard to ignore the urge and I managed to distract myself for about an hour. But when the idea pops into my head, it becomes an obsession and even if I delay it, I can't seem to make it go away. I'm not feeling down about it because I feel that I put up a decent fight. I just hope to be successful next time.

I have a better reason for you not to feel bad about it - because that's not what will take you forward. Hence, feeling bad is giving in to the yetzer hora.

Keep on rocking and rolling!

Yesterday you were clean for 1,430 minutes and you fell for 10? Wow that amazing! Keep up the Good Work. I'm serious by the way more then it not being constructive to dwell on falls you also need to give yourself credit for your successes.

aryehtahor wrote on 11 Nov 2010 15:35:


Aryeh, it's so impressive to hear how you've cut off the relationship with the non-Jewish woman, and how you've been mostly clean for the last 3 months. But to stop after 10 minutes - that's even more impressive! An addict can't stop. We can't stop. It's not possible. Only Hashem can stop us.

When the obsession strikes, we have no hope unless we admit we can't win - and simply give over the struggle to Hashem. Kovei Hashem Yachalifu Koach. Literally, "switch strengths" with Hashem.

You are far more beloved to Hashem than you can even begin to imagine. He is crazy about you.

Thank you so much Guard. You seem to know exactly what to say and when to say it. Just today, I was thinking about how hard it will be not to fall back to my old ways and contact this woman when I go home for Thanksgiving break. I'm feeling the pull to do it, and I'm afraid. I actually had just checked her Facebook profile before I came on GYE, a step in the wrong direction that I haven't taken in weeks. So yeah, its pretty spooky how surgically precise your last two comments have been in helping me.

Another observation, and I'm curious if others can relate to this. Sometimes, I seem to struggle so hard not to fall and then I fall anyway. But over time, if I keep struggling, the urge to act out gets weaker and I don't have to fight so hard. I'm thinking this must be some kind of yesod about how Hashem runs the world. We try hard, we fail, and then later, we succeed without noticing it in the zchus of the work we did when we were falling! Does that make sense? Am I speaking garbage?

There is such a concept, I believe - in fact, I think Rabbi Kelemen discusses it in his shiur about chanukah.

However, I'm not sure how it applies to us. Personally, I've found that when I struggle with my disease head-on, it doesn't end well. Ever.

Instead of thinking about how difficult it will be to avoid contacting her, think about how much happier and healthier you are right now without it. Think about how good it feels to stay clean, and how contacting her would be crazy! Then call up a partner. Do you have someone you can call?

Have a great shabbos, my friend!

I'm proud to announce to the Olam that I just scheduled my Facebook account for deletion. It is pure trash and a slip waiting to happen. I thought I needed it for contact information, but that was a lie of the YH. Facebook is trash. I encourage everyone here to get rid of it. No more looking at women, imbibing all sorts of lashon hara and lewdness, no more unfiltered nonsensical opinions on everything. In short, one step in the right direction.

BTW, I was shocked to find out that there is simply no way to instantly delete your account. They merely deactivate it. If you google how to delete the account, you find non-Facebook people giving instructions on how to do it. The site itself completely hides this option. Nonetheless it is possible to schedule your account for deletion within 14 days. PM me if you are unsure how to do this and want to.

Ashrecha v'Tov Lach!

[quote="aryehtahor" link=topic=3136.msg84777#msg84777 date=1289744512]
I'm proud to announce to the Olam that I just scheduled my Facebook account for deletion. It is pure trash and a slip waiting to happen. I thought I needed it for contact information, but that was a lie of the YH. Facebook is trash. I encourage everyone here to get rid of it. No more looking at women, imbibing all sorts of lashon hara and lewdness, no more unfiltered nonsensical opinions on everything. In short, one step in the right direction.

BTW, I was shocked to find out that there is simply no way to instantly delete your account. They merely deactivate it. If you google how to delete the account, you find non-Facebook people giving instructions on how to do it. The site itself completely hides this option. Nonetheless it is possible to schedule your account for deletion within 14 days. PM me if you are unsure how to do this and want to.
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put 5-10 copies in every shul you frequent