Hello everyone please help I'm only just 14years old, I have not got anyone to speak to.

I come from a very chasidish family, I have acses to Internet on a iphone that I found.

I have been playing with myself ( I am not  sure what the real word is) for a year or two already, I never knew threre was anything wrong with it.

Can you answere some q?

Why is it wrong?

Do I have to stop? If yes how? (I tried not to do it yesterday but I could not help it.

What if I only do it once a day?

Do all boys my age do it? If not why do I do it?

Can I speak to a freind about it?

What does everyone mean when they call it an addiction? It just feels good.

Am I suppsed to tell my parents? (I'm to embarrased)

Is doing this dangerous?

Is this anything to do with having baybies? ( I learent something about liquid from the choson)

As I said I can't speak to anyone so pleeeease answers all my questions.

It's a long story how I found this site. I don't usualy search on the Internet (I was told it can lead to dagerous things, Im gessing it might be to do whith this?)

Dear 14 year old,

It's called masturbation and in some cultures it is accepted.  By goyish society it is accepted
as something people just do because it feels good.  But in Yiddishkeit, Hashem says it is
not allowed.  Why?  It has everything to do with having babies and that's a good reason
why we don't do it.  Each man has this liquid inside him and when he is married he puts
this liquid into his wife and they have a baby.  So really you create the baby.  When you
waste it, in a way you destroy the possibility that this could be used to have a baby.

Pretty serious, huh?

I don't know why you do it.  It's a normal thing that boys who are just now discovering
new feelings in their bodies do.  It is a feeling and action we all struggle with.  Some
boys have more of an attraction to it when they feel lonely or upset and they use this
to feel better.  It's best to talk to your parents about what is making you lonely or upset
instead of doing this instead.

An addiction means you really want to stop doing it but your Yetzer Horo is pulling you so
strong you cannot stop and you end up feeling guilty, shame and embarrassed.  It is not
dangerous physically.  It is dangerous spiritually for our neshama.  Our purpose on this
earth is to get closer to Hashem by doing good things for others, learning and davening.
the more we do this the more we push Hashem and the connection out of our lives.

Like you said, "it just feels good."  Well then what is it that makes you embarrassed and asking
questions?  What is it that you cannot stop it?

Obviously you have a beautiful neshama and somehow your neshama
knows this is not right for you and you ask.

You don't have to tell your parents.  It depends on your relationship with your parents.
If they are understanding and will not yell at you or Chas V'Sholom hit you then you
could say you found out about this and want to stop and be better and you found this
place where you can get help.  You can speak to a friend you can trust to not go around
telling other people.

14:  Think about getting rid of the IPhone or put a block on it.  There is an app that blocks bad pictures.

Elya

Dear 14,

Thanks so much for sharing whats going on inside you. Being honest about what is going on with us is a tremendous part of our refuah, and you are setting a good example for everyone! But this forum is not the same as a real person who knows you. On one hand, you might feel more safe here because nobody knows who you are. Yet on the other hand, a person can be very fake or blow certain things way out of proportion here, if they choose to - and nobody will know it! People here are very good and try to help, so you will get a lot of sympathy and may get some real good help, too. Nevertheless, I hope for your sake that you have someone in your life who has yiras Shomayim that you can actually talk to about these important and very private things. And more important to me than lots of yiras Shomayim, is brains and seichel (common sense and sensitivity). A young person like you does not need to be blasted, nor do you need unrealistic sympathy. You need the truth and sensitive guidance, not just facts. Do you agree? 

I will not advise you on the particulars of your problem, mainly because I am an addict. No matter that I am in recovery for years now - I am still an addict and tend to see things differently than normal people do. I feel strongly that at this point you need 'Normal" very badly. Yes, plenty normal people do have ta'ayva problems like you describe. I believe that even though you are talking about the same stuff that gets lots of people in deep trouble and addiction, you may be completelynormal anyway.

Are you an addict? Well, just because you feel driven to do these things does not mean that you are an addict, as far as I am concerned. Everybody with a normal human yetzer hora can feel driven to masturbation, as you describe. It is part of our nature that something about it gives a pleasure to us. Pleasure makes us all want to do that thing again, of course, and that is completely normal. There are lots of things that feel great, but that does not mean that they are good ideas for us to do them, like smoking, getting drunk, punching someone we are angry at, or eating creme-filled donuts three times a day. All these are unhealthy for us in some way but once we try them we want to do them anyway! And so with using schmutz. As Elya wrote above, if it really is healthy and good for us, why do we all naturally know that we need to hide and do it in secret? Obviously it is not healthy for us...Especially using it in secret over and over...Especially being Yidden who can live a life that is mostly about good and productive things like Hashem, doing His mitzvos, and being useful to our friends, families and Klal Yisroel. Our life is supposed to be about being busy living real life- not about chewing all day long on our little struggles with ta'ayvoh  in and out of the bathroom.

For many, many good people, the stuff you are talking about easily becomes an obsession that takes over our minds and makes living 'the good life' very difficult. I believe that you understand exactly what I mean by this, because it is bothering you a great deal already, it seems.

Addicts do all that, too, but with this stuff, because it is so powerful and because we feel it in our very bodies, even non-addicts obsess about it sometimes. 

In my opinion, only you can decide if you are an addict. Is it messing up your life, or not? Can you stop, or not? To me these were the things that helped me see that I was in terriblt trouble and needed help. And before you decide that, I hope you try to get in touch with safe people to talk to in person, as I described above. And if you decide that you are an addict, then I'd suggest even more strongly that you get in touch with real people who understand - like a good psychologist who specializes in this stuff, or with addicts in good, solid recovery. In my own case, these desires and forces were just too powerful to be controlled by completely relying on a pretend or phone relationship. After all, you are not even using your real first name - and neither are many of us! If this issue is really serious for you, then for crying out loud, get serious about it! Real problems need real solutions. GYE is a great place for you to start and has many great tools for you to use and practice - but I hope you do not stop here. Get someone safe and smart in your life to help you. By the way, this eitza is os yud-gimmel in the Tzetel Koton. Look it up there - the tzaddik's loshon is gorgeous.

Please daven for Hashem to help you want to do the right thing. To lead you on the right path. He will eventually help you find people who can understand and will guide you, and He will also give you sechel to grow out of this obsession and into getting busy with real life. It will probably be a long process like all important things are. Be patient and keep trying.

If you find that you do not grow out of it and eventually decide that you are an addict, don't worry anyway. There is plenty of help - even for addicts - here and elsewhere! And Hashem loves you like mad and will never, ever abandon you, no matter what you do or have done.

You will be OK! Just do something about it!

Hatzlocha!

Three points:

1) All of the things that you are asking are 100% normal.  It is normal to have these questions.  It is normal to be confused.  It is normal to want answers.

2) PLEEEEEAAASE! Find someone you trust to speak to about your very normal concerns.  A parent, rebbe, mashgiach, brother, uncle.  Someone you trust.  They had the same questions when they were a bachur.  It is nothing to be ashamed about.  But please speak to someone who knows you and your entire situation.

3) Please be VERY careful what you post on the internet.  Remember, the internet is a "reshus harabim", even in a safe and wonderful site such as GYE.  Most people in the world are kind.  But there are some people out there who are not so nice, and look for younger people to hurt or take advantage of on the internet.  So please, be very careful who you speak with, don't give out any personal information, and do not meet alone with anyone who you "meet" online.  Please be careful.

A tremendous yasher koach for being a brave young man!

Gosh! You guys are getting me scared!

Does that mean that people who masturbate can't have children?

What could happen to me if I'm addicted? And how can I tell if I am?

Are you allowed to do it if liquid does not come out (if you fource yourself to hold it in)?

I just want to thank everyone for their I'm to embarrased to talk to anyone so please continue answering.

Dear 14,

The questions you are asking belong to a conversation with a real person. These are important matters that will get more confusing in this venue - you need a real person to address your concerns with sensitivity and seichel. Even if you get some of the factual answers to your questions from guys on this site or elsewhere, you will still need a relationship with a rov or other trusted person to get your head screwed-on straight. 'A few facts' is not the answer to your trouble. You need guidance. And no, you are not alone. If you have a good relationship with your father, I'd guess that talking with him about this and asking him your questions would bring you much, much closer. If you have a father, and your relationship is basically healthy, then I can assure you that he loves you more than any rebbi will, and certainly more than any shrink will - and even more than any of us here on GYE can. Use him!

Please reread what I wrote to you above, as it answers a few of the questions you asked.

Have you read siman 13 in the Tzetel Koton yet? What do you think about it?
Please let me know, and then I hope you try to keep his advice.

Yup this is scary stuff. You are currently young and this stuff is very addictive. I'm not trying to scare you but you should really try to get a filter on your phone. It is very easy to fall and hard to get up so try to keep this "shmutz" out of your head.




No! You can have children even if you masturbate 




Reread what Dov wrote you... I can write you an answer but Dov really knows his stuff - you got an answer from an expert.




No! You are supposed try to avoid getting an erection (getting hard) and to keep lust out of your mind as much as possible (easier said than done). I wouldn't recommend to force it in. If you mess with the muscles contracting during ejaculation, then something called "retrograde ejaculation" could happen. It doesn't happen often, but could happen if you repeatedly stop the semen from being expelled.




We are all glad to help but as many people here wrote, you will be better off talking to someone that you respect and trust. You may want to read Chazak Amenu's thread, he is a guy your age that was active on this forum but he eventually spoke to his parents and it turned out to be the best thing. If it is not an option in your case, try to speak to a rebbi.

Hatzlocha!

Thanx
What is tzetel koton?

Is there anyone els on this site who is my age?
What does it mean to 'read someones thread'?

I guess I'll try speak to my parents, but what should I say?

It's Chasidic teachings... I pasted the 13th one that Dov was referring to.

One should relate before ones teacher, who instructs him in the
way of HaShem, or even before a good friend, all of one's thoughts
that are contrary to the Holy Torah that the Yetzer HaRah causes to
arise in his mind or heart. [This is the case whether they occur]
when he is learning Torah, or praying. Sitting in his bed or during
the day.  And he should not withhold anything because of shame. He
will find that by relating these things he will gain the power to
break the strength of the Yetzer HaRah so that it will no longer be
able to overcome him another time. This excludes the good advice you
will receive from your friend, which is the way of HaShem. This is a
wonderful remedy.




There are young guys on this site but mostly guys from their late teens and up.




The thread I was referring to is: www.guardyoureyes.org/forum/index.php?topic=1870.0 . I'm currently typing a "post" in your "thread". your thread currently has 9 posts...




It's up to you! I guess you can say that you have some questions/struggles related to shmiras habris etc.

thanx for that

And btw is there anyone else my age?

Also if I get rid of my iPhone I won't be able to come on this site.

If you get help from a parent/rebbi you will not need this site but if you want to keep your phone, how about placing a filter on it?

what is a filter?

Umm... it's a program that blocks some sites.

14 wrote on 05 Aug 2010 00:05:

Yes. I'm a year older. You won't need this site if you can get rid of the iPhone. This isn't exactly a site that you want to be on for fun. This is a site for messed up people like me to get their lives back and go back on a track of Torah and loving Hashem. If you can avoid it, at all costs you should. A filter which blocks that inappropriate stuff from the appropriate stuff is also a good idea f you want to keep your iPhone. There are some free ones. It's your choice, choose wisely! Good luck!

Webchaver works on iphone, but you should really think about getting rid of the thing. it is doing you no good.