I am a 49 year old married man with children in a crumbling marriage. I am trying to do all that I can to fix the marriage but am beginning to believe that divorce is the best path. There is more to say about this, but my main concern here is how to hold on to my commitment to being shomer bris while we work out a marital resolution. I have been clean for 360+  days now. It was hard work and I am proud of this achievement but am getting awfully close to a fall today. My problem is that I am so filled with anger over this situation and so filled with sexual frustration now that we are choosing to no longer engage in insincere sexual relations.

All of this is leading me to the edge. I find myself in sadly, familiar territory. It starts with taking an extra glance at women in the marketplace and progresses to 'innocent' web searches about human anatomy. Next I am likely to start looking up pictures of swimsuits, tatoos or the like, then progress to lingerie and sooner or later this will lead me to some naked photos, which in turn will lead me to more explicit naked pictures, then videos -- and then I could spend hour after hour consuming content in a mad frenzy to get in every last bit of viewing before the craziness ends.

This is too predictable and I don't want to go there again, but I'm not sure how to get out of this trap. There is just so much pent up sexual frustration and anger.  No harm has been done so far, but I just don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

Holy Brothers, I would be grateful for any advice you can offer me.

Mezibuz,

Welcome to this forum !

You're in a tough situation. My two cents: Forget about dealing with the pent up sexual frustration, just concentrate on fixing the anger. If you're not angry then you can manage the sexual frustration, but if you're angry then it will be a hundred times harder for you to be shomer the bris. About the anger, there are many types of anger. Anger at yourself. Anger at society. Anger at the object of your Yetzer Hora (e.g. developing anger towards women in general). Anger at Hashem. Identifying which type of anger will be very valuable in helping to vanquish it. Also figure out your emotion the instant before the anger kicks in (fear ? sadness ? etc.), because lots of times we'd rather feel angry instead of feeling that emotion.

And remember our saying: "one day at a time."

Thank you for your wise words Commando. I'll reflect further on the anger, try to go inside it a little more and see what it's about.

Many thanks for connecting with me this evening. I've been feeling quite alone in this and your reaching out gives me much chizuk.

All the best - M.

I second that, try to get some presective on your anger. Try to look past it remember the largeness of God, the world and life. Try to feel rich. Don't try to ignore your anger be in touch with it. don't blow up but be aware you are frustrated. 

Best of luck

Thank you Holy Yid. Sage advice. I think part of the problem is that I feel all alone in the marital struggle. We are in a small town in the western U.S. without a Rav we can confide in and seek guidance from, so our only input is from well-intended but dispassionate therapists. Does anyone know of a Rav I could consult with by phone (paid or otherwise) who could help me sort out the issues and deal with the anger?

I know I'm dealing with a topic here that is larger than this site attempts to tackle, but I feel a kinship and comfort level here I don't elsewhere and am hoping someone may be able to make the right introduction.

Thanks kindly.

Not that I'm one to talk, but anger is not a good thing, and should try and be avoided. The key to removing anger from our lives is emuna.  We have to realize that Hashem is putting us in this situation for a specific reason.  Without emuna we are easily susceptible to anger.

With respect to the sexual frustration, the easy answer is to try very very very hard not to take that second look.  That second look in public is stored in the back of our minds until we have the opportunity to recall it later in private on the computer.  Easier said then done, I know, and this website has tons of more info on that.

And I'm no marriage counsellor, but from what I hear divorce just causes new problems to replace the old problems (and its very expensive$$).  Of course I don't know your situation and I am not trying to be insensitive, but do try and maintain emuna in all three of these issues.
Hatzlacha!

mezibuz,

Your pain is coming through loud and clear.  I have probably never actually been in your situation but I have felt like I have. (I tend to over-dramatize my emotional pain).

I very much identify with much your post.  I have been sexually sober for over a year and have not purposely viewed pornography of any kind in over something like 7 months.  The usual progression for me also usually starts on the street and goes to internet news sites, which then goes to lust type of news and its a pretty quick trip to get to lots of really hardcore porn and emotional and spiritual devastation.  Not a pretty site.

Eventually I saw how powerless I was over this cycle and joined SA which has been the most transforming emotional experience of my life.  Having a fellowship of friends to turn to for support when the going gets rough is invaluable.

I also identify with the frustration of being married without sex.  Although my wife and I are currently doing very well in our marriage, boruch Hashem, she feels that she currently needs space in the area of sex and it is very challenging. 

What has helped me not only get through this but grow in the process is:
1) Journaling my feelings as needed, sometimes daily basis
2) Meditation for at least 5-10 minutes in the morning
3) Prayer - for freedom from lust, humility to accept God's will as expressed through those around me, especially my wife and children
4) Surrender of any expectation of sex - EVER.  Of course I don't really think this will last forever, I know that is not what my wife wants. But for myself I have to be OK without it.
5) Vigilant custody of my eyes on the street.  I have taken to removing my glasses when walking about NYC where there is really a lot of flesh on display all the time - it is working wonders.
6) Reading and re-reading and re-reading again the book "The Garden of Peace" - AMAZING!!! This book has been a real game changer for me. You can get it from Feldheim Publishers and I would strongly encourage you to read it.

Just some ideas.  Feel free to PM if you would like to discuss in more detail or by phone.

Hatzlacha,
God loves you, why shouldn't we?

meditation helps me stay calm and centered also you can download these mp3 files to help you meditate loyaltycoach.com/audio/Serenity/  and look at this file also www.guardureyes.com/GUE/Images/Material_For_Meeting.pdf.

Regarding a Rav, do you have connections to another city? Do you have a Rebbe from when you where younger who could help you? I am sure if you called a well known Rav they would look for a way to help you.

whats been working for me is what jooboy wrote #3 prayer. davven to hashem. tell hashem this lust is to big for you to handle alone you need his help.
also maybe ask hashem to help you with your anger.
what i mean is that ask hashem to help you see that the issues
are making you angry are realy there to help you grow. like yosef and his brothers he saw it as the passage way to becoming king. Hashem did it not his brothers.

Mezibuz, Where did you go?  Please come back.    I have heard that Rabbi Twersky sometimes responds to people personally, and I have a hunch he'd either talk to you himself or get you a referral to a Rav who understands both sexual addiction and marital situations.  pm Guard and he can get you in touch with Rabbi Twersky (sp?).

The progression you describe I know way too well.  Thank you for reminding me. 

What an amazing accomplishment--a whole year.  I'm just trying to get to two months, one day at a time, Be"H. 

Here's another suggestion.  Go take a walk by yourself (for me dawn or dusk seems to work best.  Don't know why.) Maybe bring a sefer, maybe not.  Maybe an mp3 from the kosher aisle here.  Maybe not.  Maybe a nosh.  Maybe not.  Whatever.  And sit down for a little while, and just have a heart to heart with Hashem.  In whatever language you are most at home with.  Just spill the beans.  "I'm going crazy.  She's being a b---.  why did You put me in this situation?  I don't know how to handle this.  I can't stand the intensity.  I know what comes next.  Please.  I'm feeling utterly powerless to stop this moving train."  Whatever is in your mind and heart.  Just let it rip.  I do this often, and the answers, not always in words, sometimes just a caress, a nachamu nachamu.  And I'm a big cryer, so there's usually a lot of tears.  (For me it's important not to indulge the temptation of being dramatically, deeply, ever so meaningfully in close relationship with Hashem.  I have found that to be yetzer driven.  so I dry tears before it gets what feels like self-indulgent).

Anyway, He usually gives me coiach to go on, to know in a felt way what's important.  It's pretty hard staying ticked off at the wife, when in my deepest place, where I talk privately to Hashem, I know my part in it all, and I know what will turn everything around, and can see that I'm just too stubborn, or too standing on principle, or too "I'll be darned if I'm going to cow tow to her, etc etc".

It just occurred to me that you probably do this already.  Oh, well, it was good to have a talk with myself.

Please feel free to pm me anytime. But please do come back and post. 

Hi I'm new to this forum but not to the disease of sexual addiction.  I can only share with you my own experience strength and hope.  As you probably know that addiciton is a spiritual disease not one of lust.  So when you remove the lust (as you have for the last year) you now find another layer:resentment (or anger).  I have tried everything..and even stopped for a while but I would always fall.  For me the only thing that works is the 12 steps to recovery.If I don't tackle my resentments and fears and make amends and continue to live the steps surrendering to hashem every day I'll be right back to acting out.  With GD's help I've been sober since the end of oct 2009 only bc of the SA program.  you may want to explore if the 12 steps are right for you