I trusted Myself: For 18 Years in addiction, and even before, I always trusted myself (will power). When I had to decide if I should go to physical therapy in Manhattan or in Brooklyn (I was 16 yo) I decided that the dr.'s in Manhattan were more competent. It was trusting my own decision. Do you know where it got me? I walked around NYC for about 7 hours, in 15 degree weather, searching for lust (and finding it) and almost got frostbite [this is not a made up story]. I still want to trust myself. This morning I was fantasizing about going online and searching through p*rn. I even shared it with someone. What I said to myself was, I can do this for 3 minutes and then I will stop. TRUSTING MYSELF IS WHAT GOT ME HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

I need to trust Hashem (God): I can so easily say that I dont know you or anyone else on this forum, so I can't trust it to be open and honest. I use m;y TRUST IN GOD here and say, If someone knows me and judges me, that's ok, I trust that Hashem will take care of me if I do what I'm told to do. I am told to be open and honest about my lust and thats what I did. Im not a saint at all, just another SICK MAN GETTING WELL.

MovingUp wrote on 20 Jan 2011 15:20:


No one here is pathetic including yourself. I think that most of us, if not all of us can easily identify with that experience.

Hopefully after 90 days, and another 90 days the innocent triggers will get easier.

im sure BD would agree that we only get to 90 days, ONE DAY AT A TIME

I was really feeling good about myself in fighting this but I still fell

Sick Man Getting Well wrote on 20 Jan 2011 17:44:


I disagree...

i think we get there one minute at a time...

See today's diary post:  ben durdayah wrote on 20 Jan 2011 18:28:
             
               

Thanks!

I'm not depressed or anything. Hashem gave me a lot to be grateful for. The whole reason anything, or any of us exist, is that Hashem created this world for us. To use it for serving him in this world, so we can get the ultimate reward in the next.
This constant need I have for porn and lust, I don't know what Hashem's plan for us is in regards to that is, although there obviously is one.

I don't understand this ""turn to God approach to help - the problem is once the lust sets in I stop thinking rationally and can't turn to Hashem to help"/ It can come any time, anywhere and how can I always be on guard? thats not realistic. I just need a method, a plan, something to get better

MovingUp wrote on 20 Jan 2011 20:30:



Exactly what I am also thinking!

I am eagerly waiting to see how the guys will respond to this!

2 things write in a notebook (everyday)        watch :   (she preaches Jeshu but i learned a lot about the industry) its very useful.

MovingUp wrote on 20 Jan 2011 20:30:


Wow, you think just like I do. I always want someone else to give me a plan, the right answer, anything to make this all go away.  - NEVER GONNA HAPPEN - only way this gets better is with actions of recovery and turning to God.

Oh, and by the way, the idea of turning to God doesn't always work. Sometimes I need to take crazy measures, likes leaving my office, or leaving my office door wide open, or calling people every five minutes, or getting on my knees and begging God for help, or ... or ... or ... Anyone else have ideas?

SMGW and Yosef Hatzadik - Isn't the whole point of this site to implement some type of plan to beat this Yetzer hora? How can we win a battle with no strategies?

Abie14: I'll check out the video - K9 blocks youtube on this computer; strangely, youtube is probably one site that I have no taiva to do something assur on (other than generally wasting my time watching random videos)

M.U.
i identify with your point that once that lust takes over ,is it very difficult to step back and daven. even to pick up the phone and reach out for help.
what makes me wonder is how could i act out while wearing Tzitzis???

Yedidya - are you kidding me? Tzitzis is the big savior today?For me, there is NOTHING that is "good enough" to keep me safe. When I think I need it and I take that first action of lust - nothing will stop me - EXCEPT HASHEM!

MU - Your point is a valid one. Shouldn't we be implementing some type of plan. However, to quote you, "BEAT THE YETZER HORA", as far as I know both from a religious standpoint as well as an addiction one, we CANNOT BEAT IT, until we are dead. What we can do is retrain our minds, body and soul to look for a way out. Thats reason we filter our computers. In the AA Big Book it says clearly that we will be able to do things like "regular people" if we are spiritually fit. For me it has happened on rear occasions and only with tremendous work from sponsor and friends.

HOWEVER, if you find a way to beat this down - PLEASE SHOUT IT OUT ON THE ROOFTOPS

MovingUp wrote on 20 Jan 2011 20:30:


Here's my question.  If once lust set in and you started watching porn, masturbating or doing whatever your drug of choice is, and your wife, rebbi or child walked in, what would you do at that point?  Would you say it's too late I can't think rationally, I have no choice but to continue.  I doubt any of us would say that.  So, I think this is part of the Yetzer Hora's trap which convinces us that we are completely bereft of our senses once lust takes over. 

Also, for most of us I believe that we do not get thoroughly overwhelmed by lust in an instant.  We see something a triggering image or word.  It's at that point before the lust has actually set in that we are asked to turn to Hashem (In reality it's even before that since we know we are lusters so when we wake up in the morning and when we go to sleep we should be doing it then too).  But when we are face with a trigger we have to recognize that going any further is the end.  If you did the first step properly you will see that this is the case.  We cannot prevent a triggering event (we can try to minimize that triggers we will encounter), it is what we do afterwards that matters.

So what do we do.  Well first we recognize that we are powerless and then we surrender it, preferably to Hashem and someone else.  It's kind of like the example above.  When we get it out of ourselves and give it over, its like we are letting someone else in. 

Of course, the 12-steps are called the 12-steps for a reason.  Starting at Step 1 and half and then stopping at Step 3 and then saying it doesn't work is not really trying. 

Hatzlacha

Been working hard on myself, but today is a tough day. I feel like if I fall, it will make me feel better

If you fall today, you will feel miserable.  Why not defer until tomorrow, at all costs?