1daat wrote on 07 Jul 2010 03:55:


Thank you very much for the prayers, I need healing thats for sure, I feel so ashamed, I slipped again tonight, with P and Mb, I don't know why, I guess cause of stress, I turned to this sin for relief instead of turning to hashem, I am deeply sorry. :-[

Self pity won't help one bit

Guilt is not a Jewish midda

Regret is

Taking responsibility is

Hi I'm bards

I have some room on my truck!!

Keep on truckin

B

Hi Noahide

It was sad for me to read your post, feeling your struggle.
Firstly, well done, posting here it was a really big step.

We've all been on that sinking boat of shame, blaming ourselves for this, for our mistake.
That's all it was, a mistake. The addiction is a natural action for us, automatically seizing us whenever it has an opportunity.

I forgive you.
What happened last night, an hour ago, a year ago, that was someone else.
Now you need to forgive yourself.

"Sin" translated into Hebrew is Chet - It really means "mistake". How many times does the best basketball player in the world miss the hoop? Most times. The misses don't count, only the successes, as long as you're trying to improve!
You missed your target, with practice you'll get better.

Hop on Bard's truck, get away from the old you.

I'm on too, and we're all here to help.

Noahide,

Listen to all the posters here - they make a lot of sense.

We HAVE all been where you are (some of us still are) but everyone is at different stages and in different places. The one thing that binds us all is a common purpose, to find out how we can recover, rebuild, renew our lives and rid ourselves of this drek.

Personally, I would be nervous about getting on Bard's truck, he posts so much while driving, eating cholent and drinking L'chaim's I'm not sure he has even half an eye on the road ;-)

Do NOT look back, that has no real benefit to you. You have told everyone you fell, that was a brave step. It is that sort of bravery that will allow you to say no to the Y"H next time he comes knocking. Tap into it and you CAN be free.

Try and make it through today, TODAY you can do, let tomorrow worry about itself and know that we are in this together.

Good luck and have koiach,

Haleivi

bardichev wrote on 07 Jul 2010 05:15:


Thank you friend.

ToAdd wrote on 07 Jul 2010 09:36:

Thank you, what you wrote help me greatly.

Haleivi76 wrote on 07 Jul 2010 12:01:


Thank you, and I think i will get on Bard's truck anyways, LOL maybe I will sit next to you ;D

I slipped yesterday, with both P and Mb.

I feel like I cant face the world right now.

Hashem please help me.

Noahide.  You are in deep pain, this is for sure.  But what is important to me is that the pain is deep.  Very deep.  This is the place in yourself where your ache is screaming without any sound coming out.  This is the place where we have nothing left of our self, just this heartache.  Here's something I read in the Artscroll nusach Ashkinaz Siddur that I think all of us understand:  "What is man if not his soul.  And what is his soul if not his deepest longing."

You need to be healed in this deep place.  Hashem wants you, deeply, all the way to this deepest place you cry from--B'chol M'odecha.  From the atzmus.

If your shame and anguish didn't go so deep, you wouldn't be the holy man that you are, longing with everything you've got, to be free, to be able to quietly heal, and then stand before Him, knowing that by His chesed alone we all stay clean or fall. 

When we fall, even when we fall over and over, and we pick ourselves up, and start again, we are proclaiming to G-d, to all the Melachim, to Klal Yisroel, to ourselves and to everyone close to us, and now to all of us on this site, we proclaim where we stand in Hashem's infinite universe.  We proclaim that we stand on the side where we, as decent Yiddin, want to be clean, and that we will never stop doing our hishtadlus, because we have accepted that how this struggle of ours turns out is up to HKBH, but that we must do our part, one day at a time.

You can so do this.

So don't stop your struggle.  What's important is how deeply you are crying out.  This depth is your deepest longing.  It is how deeply you want to be with "H.  Know that you are with him.  That He wants you to know peace.  You will. 

Just keep going, "keep on truckin", never mind the falls.  Get up.  This is your avodah right now.  You are so courageious to just post and tell us all the truth of what's happening for you.  And know that you matter, you matter to "H and to us.

Tell us tomorrow how many minutes you were clean.

I'll wait.

Wow! 1daat, what a beautiful post - not that I would expect any less from you!

Noahide listen.

This is really important

I heard it in a shiur last night and it is perfect for you right now.

A Tzaddik is not someone who is perfect, it is not someone who never falls. "Ain Odom Sheya'amod Ba'Oilam Ve'Lo Yecheta"

A Tzaddik is someone who falls and gets right back up again and yearns and pleads to H" to help him rise above the shmutz and get closer to Him and that Tzaddik my friend is you. Whatever happens do NOT give up. Whatever happens do NOT let your Y"H tell you that you have sinned, H" hates you and does not want your prayers your heartfelt cries - because make no mistake - that is the voice of the Y"H - PLAIN & SIMPLE H" wants you to get right back up every time you fall:

"Korov H" Lekol Koreav, Lechol Asher Yikreuhu Be'Emess"

You call out to H" genuinely and he promises to bring you close - to be close to you.

Lean on Him as if he is your crutch and he will stop you falling.

I really feel for you, my friend, my brother.

Know that I am praying for you, from the depths of my soul and take courage from the fact that you are here, still trying still crying out, because that is what makes you a Tzaddik.

Just for today, my friend, just for today

Kol Tuv

Haleivi

1daat wrote on 08 Jul 2010 05:57:


My friend, you touched my soul with this post, you brought a tear to my eye, you understand me, I have felt so misunderstood for so long, and already you and so many others here understand me, I am speechless, all I can say is thank you.

Haleivi76 wrote on 08 Jul 2010 07:46:


Thank you for your heartfelt post, this post and the last from 1daat have really touched me, I needed to read these this morning, thank you, I will keep trying, and you are very right, that is exactly where my mind goes, thinking Hashem doesnt want to hear ffrom me, that I disgust H, that He doesnt want to hear from me or be near me, that I am totally alone, I fear going to hell.

I am still learning Hebrew, my best friend is teaching me, he is really like a dad to me, the only father I have ever had, and so most often I Google search all your Hebrew phrases you send to me in posts here, and it helps me learn more, please don't stop, it helps me learn, but maybe sometime I could ask you if I can't find the translation to something?

I have been a Christian for a long time but found out I am Jewish because my grandfather was. I have felt a strong pull on my heart for a long time to learn the Jewish faith, and I started going to Temple, and although I feel like they do not accept me I still go sometimes because I feel Hashem wants me to go. I learned some of the songs they sing and everything, I try to learn as much as i can,  I am learning about how to be a Noahide, I think thats the best compromise I can find with my current faith and the faith I am learning about that hashem is pulling me to, I am confused and searching but I know that I am supposed to somehow be Jewish. I hope I have not angered anyone with this post, please forgive me ignorance, I am admittedly young, in my late 20's and I know I have much to learn.

Noahide,

You are precious.  You are real.  You're a human being.  You are worthy, respectable, admirable, courageous and honest.  Come out of your shell and join the safe world here on GYE where we know you, already, better than perhaps you know yourself.  But that's ok - we accept and love you as you are.  With faults that are not of your making and best of all, with incredible qualities of spirit and honesty that ARE of your making although perhaps you don't see it yet.  Stick around and you will, my friend.

aaron4 wrote on 08 Jul 2010 16:42:


thank you, (trying not to cry again) all of you are so kind to me, I feel like I have a safe place, somewhere I belong, i want to jump in with both feet, I am afraid, i dont want to get hurt, theres so much I am afraid of, I guess because of my past, i have trust problems, abandonment fears, and I am afraid of getting hurt, of being rejected once I allow you guys in, I am afraid you will eventually reject me, and Im afraid, that kind of pain hurts, bad,

It's a little to late for those fears i guess, I already feel like I have let you in, you have all been so supportive and kind to me, I just, Im afraid to loose that, I have been hurt bad, and I know I have deep scars from the hurt I have been through, i just, I want you to like me and to be my friends always, and I fear loss.

I am sorrry if that didnt make sense, sometimes I have a really hard time explaining how I feel, feeelings are hard for me, i dont always understand them or know how to put a name to what i am feeling or afraid of.

I feel like less of a mensch because of all of this.

nothing to be afraid of here.alot of wonderful people here who sincerely desire to see the good in you and build upon that.we all have our issues,our faults,our struggles,and here is a place where no one will look down at anyone because we all know that we are all faced with serious challanges to our morality,our goodness and out inner decency,so don't be afraid.it's a safe place,a haven,and overtime you will feel more comforable with all the wonderful people here that have been communicating with you here in this thread