Installed, it's great to hear you're hanging in there. A good attitude paves a good way.
About belief in G-d, you mention that you are a bit of a skeptic generally. I imagine this applies to everything. Let me share a few things with you that will hopefully bolster your belief in G-d.
Firstly, strip away from your thoughts the attitudes that skeptics often have. Attitude really has little to do with facts, and these attitudes that float through the air are a means to influence interpretation of said facts. We can set all of those aside, can't we? Great. Now, let's take a look at some facts. Cold, hard facts.
Do you know how limited our sciences actually are? As incredible and gargantuan as they sometimes seem to tower, did you know how many simple questions they simply fail to answer? And I am not talking about questions regarding spiritual phenomenon, I refer to strictly physical, observable phenomenon. Here are some examples.
Science cannot tell us how our universe came to be. The best minds are at a total loss on this subject. There comes a point where the subject of beginnings begs for the invoking of principles that are completely outside the laws of the reality we know. Principles such as infinite regression, where there is no beginning (huh?) or a force outside of our space time which can design and begin the process we know as our reality. Either way, concepts are invoked which run contrary to the principles and laws of the reality we know. So then, what is wrong with invoking G-d? If the skeptics (who are skeptic for love and reliance on their laws) must come to invoke something that completely upends their laws (having no alternative!), why then can we not invoke G-d?
Another. Reason has its limits. Every concept, every understanding, is inextricably tied to some axiom which permits it. But who permitted the axiom? Who or what validated it? The answer is... our best judgments and intuitions. Nothing more, nothing less. At the end of the day, all philosophical reasoning, scientific inquiry and, well, everything, hangs by a thin thread, no thicker than a hairs' breadth. Every axiom on which we rely has been established by ourselves, by our best judgments derived from our limited perspective. And when these judgments and intuitions change (as they often do), the entire system deriving from said axioms teeters, little of it salvaged.
With this understanding we see that humanity cannot establish anything absolute. It can only rely on the absolute, receive the absolute, never establish it. The absolute, being fixed perfectly and not by way of man's best judgment, is beyond the axiomatic powers of man.
Truth is an absolute. Yet man cannot establish it, only rely on it. There is a folk saying that I've read R' Noson of Breslev qoute, Truth is its own witness. You see, we cannot even be valid witnesses for truth. We cannot validate it. To do so, we would have to be on par with truth, in order to measure it, understand it perfectly, and proclaim with confidence, It is so! But we just cannot do that. We are simply not on par with matters of the absolute. We can only rely on the absolute, receive the absolute, but never establish it.
I say the above to bring home the point: our reasoning has its limits. Yes, we have much that is (or seems) time-tested and approved, but never forget it has its limits. The theories surrounding gravity held sway for quite a while post-Newton. They seemed perfectly account for the phenomena of the known universe. These were later revised because they broke down at certain measurements, not taking well enough into account certain criteria. Be assured they will be revised again. And do you know what the last revision of all theoretical considerations and thoughts will be? We read it in the Aleinu prayer everyday. When the world will come to accept G-d.
Here is another matter that gets me thinking, though it is in a different vein than the above (it asks, Why? A big no-no in the world of intellectual sophisticates): the very fact that everything in our universe has an impulse for life. Isn't that telling? Everything, like a plant in a meadow, stretches out to live and gain sustenance from its sunlight. Why doesn't everything simply drift to a useless death? Why was it born at all? It was born to live and it does its part to live every moment of its existence. This is a hallmark of our universe. It points constantly to life. For me, this attests to not only a Creator, but a loving one.
We are limited creatures on all levels. Physically, intellectually and spritually. Not only limited, we are utterly dependent, as well. Utterly and completely dependent. Take note of this. In light of our position in relation to things, how much does the skepticism of even the best and the brightest weigh? Very, very little if anything at all.
This is a bit of a long post on a subject better suited to a whole other type of forum.. and it may not even be up your alley, Installed (I hope it is; that is why I wrote it). But here it is. Perhaps it will do someone, somewhere, some good.
That was a great post, by the way, Elya. It did me a lot of good. In my particular situation, I have gotten better through acceptance. Even when I think I have already accepted, I realize that the terrible side of my guilt and shame roars back. But it is always acceptance, and a willingness to persevere born from that acceptance, which subdues it. Hatzlocha rabbah.
