Hi everyone! I've been a guest on the site for a while now but I never posted before, but I am about to fall and I thought maybe someone here can help me. I guess I should write my story first but I'm in kinda an emergency, I'm not sure ill last out!

The Bad News - if you are really an addict you have no power to stop on your own.

The Good News - G-d does has the power to help you stop

What to do?

Stop taking any actions of lust - In your own words pray to G-d to save you from your lust - get in touch with another member and tell them EXACTLY what is going on in your head.  Lust hates the light of day - turn on the switch and it starts to shrivel up and die.

Remember G-d gives us tests of lust so that we are forced to turn to HIM.  Listen to the message, take the cue and HE will help you!!!

HATZLACHA! We're rooting for you!!!!

Look, my friend, I'm leaving for mincha in moments. But if you've come here to post, it means you really don't want to fall. So don't.

Get up. Get out of the house. (What? You're gonna surf p*n or act out from your car. NOT!) Call a friend. Call a grandparent. (What? You're gonna do those things while talking with an old lady? NOT.)

There IS a thread in the "Break Free" section that's a "sticky" post called I'm about to fall.  You might get some attention there that you won't get here.

Sorry I won't be around. But just DO something. And I don't mean putting your hand or your eyes . You know you don't want it.

(Maybe posting your whole life story will distract you, too, and give the chevra some clues as to "who" here has been there & done that already, etc.)

Thank you for replying. I was just trying to hold on staring at the screen waiting for someone to respond. what do you mean by get in touch with another member?

It's an emergency?! This requires some quick and intensive action then!

Did you already apply the "burping the letters 'GYE' over and over again" trick?

hey thanks guys. I just wrote my whole life story and then I timed out so it got lost. Anyway at least it distracted me a bit. I'll try again now so come back in a few mins.

Hey Break Free,

Feel free to email me or gchat me at Yiddle2@gmail.com

I am here for YOU!

-Yiddle

Ok! here's my life story.
Since a young age I've had taivos for my friends around me. Then I got into m**n and didn't stop for ten years. As a kid I had very little sibling interaction due to an age gap, and I was very lonely and had low self esteem. I countered this by escaping into my own fantasy world the best of which was reading and playing computer games, but also a lot of masturbation. As I grew older my taivoh grew stronger and I was lusting boys around me.Consequentially I had triggers all round me and these always led to m**n. I also ended up being with a couple of boys (although bechasdei hashem I was never oiver on mishkav zochor). All this made feel very lonely because I felt different from everyone else due to my dark secret.
Anyway I went to Yeshiva and started learning and reached the top of the shiur, but I always had this dark secret which got much worse then, as I had triggers all around me 24/7 which led to more m**n and a feeling of being further away from "normal" people, and I would get depressed, which always led to m**n. I also ended up being with many boys over the years and the problem just got worse.
The first ray of light was when I came across R' Twerskis books on self esteem, those were a life saver. Bez"h I managed to fix up my self esteem, and I came out of my shell so I wasn't living in fantasy anymore. But I was still addicted to m**n and I had triggers all around me.
The next turning point was getting married. I now had an outlet and I basically managed to stop m**n completely, but the triggers were, and are still there every day in Yeshiva and davening, and recently I got into p**n which often led to m**n again. Then Hashem helped me to your site and at the same time I almost got caught which was quite a scare, and I ended up telling my wife what was going on. B"h she was very supportive. Since then I managed to stop everything for about a month, but yesterday I started to slip, and today I couldn't fall asleep and the yetzer hora came at me full force, so I decided to post on the site for help, and I managed to stay clean.
Anyway that's my story up until now. I hope the next part will be better.
(Hey, I never thought I'd get to write an autobiography)
If anyone else out there has similar attractions I'd like to hear from you. Thanx.

Amazing post!

From my experience those who have SSA (same sex attraction) have some of the most shame surrounding their addiction.  You are not alone.  Although I myself do not have this particular challenge, I have met MANY addicts who do - and at the core we all have the same issue - LUST.  Lust can and often does take a different form for each of us but we all share the same problem.

What I meant by get in touch with someone is get someones phone number or go to a live meeting of one of the many sexual addiction 12-step programs out there. 

I have to say that GYE is an absolutely amazing tool.  There are many of us here who would never have otherwise started the road to recovery.  BUT.....there is truly something very special about making connections with others in a more direct manner. 

GYE for me could never be enough.  My whole addiction has always about being secret and pretending to be someone I wasn't.  (Anyone here ever wear a baseball hat somewhere they didn't want to wear their yarlmuke?  Anyone here ever pretend to be horrified about some lustful image that we were actually getting a high off of? Well I have!!)  I find that to some degree making connections only on the internet can perpetuate that secrecy, shame and yes even isolation.

I hope this comment hasn't been offensive to anyone here and I certainly don't mean to knock this forum.  I find it very helpful as one more tool in my recovery toolbox.  Whoever the person behind this site is - he has whole lot more guts and Olam Haba coming to him than most people in this generation.  May many of the hundreds (thousands?) of us who are still suffering find this site and the recovery we so desperately want.

hope you are doing better today. keep this thread going. BTW can you post a copy of Rav Twersky's letter re:SSA?

breaking free wrote on 07 Jun 2010 00:56:

Baruch Hashem you were able saved from falling. Your Eshes Chayel seem to be an absolute Tzedekes! You actually told her about the SSA and she was supportive???
This is an absoulte nes nigleh! Any idea what caused your Y.H. to start up with you yesterday?

breaking free wrote on 07 Jun 2010 00:56:

Baruch Hashem the zchus of your learning has been a magen for you. I was disappointed to hear that despite the fact that you were learning well  and probably had a lot of geshmak and sipuk from learning you were still in the net of the Y.H.
You must have a very choshev neshomah!

Bruit.....I guess u were right! :o

yedidya aleph wrote on 08 Jun 2010 02:15:

YA: Huh? Right about what? That boys can shteig in yeshiva while thinking about other boys? (I think the Jewish people might have disappeared had this not been the case....) Or, something I'm missing?

And Breaking Free, it seems you've done a lot of hard work to get where you are, and you're looking for more work to get even further. Hashem will provide you with it, surely -- He's taken you this far, eh? Follow your heart and soul, and consult Da'as Torah as appropriate. You've got no limits to your ascent.

Thanx everyone for responding. Sorry I took so long answering back; I think im on different posting time then everyone else.

YA: Of course you can shteig and think about other boys. From personal experience (unfortunately) its often very good boys who get caught up in this. I think its because of it, its those boys who don't look at women so mimeila their hormones get to work on men, and also they need more of an outlet.

And about what made my YH start on me, I think because I was clean for a while I let my guard down, and then I had to go to some places where there was terrible pritzus. Boys, girls, you name it. I think Im safer when I stay on turf I know cuz I know what the taivos there are already and I don't get hit by them full in the face so im a bit prepared. Anyway b"h I think I managed catch myself before I fell all the way (thanx to all your support, normally Id have fallen all the way to the bottom once I started slipping like that).

Great hearing from you guys.thanx

BF

breaking free wrote on 08 Jun 2010 08:14:


Thanks for your insight. Sorry to hear that good boys....struggle so much with Y.H.
i actually know someone who fell so far that his life is in shambles and is serving time ....
Re: letting down your guard-sounds like that could do it. What were you feeling?