Dov, dearest:

A truly beautiful post. Full of great advice. Some easy to digest, some more like jalapenos. I only want to jump in regarding Rabbincal leadership.

1) You're right - the family Rav could be a pervert, too. No one is exempt.

2) Being a pervert doesn't mean a Rav can't exert some leadership over a shul gone wild. Or some counsel for a teen hurting over his pervert of a dad. Or even counsel for a teen hurting over his own pervert tendencies. (Please forgive the use of the term pervert as shorthand - I mean it in only the nicest ways....)

3) Everyone, even a teenager with a "problem" in this area (especially!?!), deserves to have some Torah guidance. If it's this Rav, so be it. If it's from the yeshiva or the butcher shop or who knows where -- it's the question of acquiring a Rav whose views you'll respect as Daas Torah.

If every porn-loving Rabbi were found incapable of taking on issues like a teen in tears or a dad in denial, well, we'd have a hard time in the Jewish world. Eh? [I could say something about going instead to a Catholic Church and getting on my knees in front of the priest in the confessional booth. But I WON'T!!]

That's all. The rest sounded hunky-dorey.

david712 wrote on 11 May 2010 19:58:


Cuz only intelligent, intellectual, practical people can be addicts!  <...or maybe not?>

Even a Rabbi who is struggling with these same problems would still be able to provide some great advice. Quite possibly even better than a 'clean' Rabbi. He understands this subject with all of its ramifications very well!

Although he may not have extracted himself from the quicksand yet, it is quite likely that he did think about it at some point or another.

Yosef Hatzadik wrote on 11 May 2010 20:05:


I have been searching deep down- what got me here!  Thanx YH

david712 wrote on 11 May 2010 20:22:


On second thought, ANYONE can be an addict. Only intelligent, intellectual, practical people can choose to be ex-addicts!

Dear Briut and Yosef hatzadik,

Yeah, yeah, OK...I just wanted to jump in with what I thought is a nasty piece of truth to dispel naivete, and some advice I like for choosing somebody. Siyata dishmaya is what we need for outcomes - all we can do is try.

Bye!

Although I myself find myself in the unenviable position of being  one of those. I must firmly object to those words. Words or even thoughts such as those can erode the entire foundation of klal yisrael. Klal Yisrael was and always will be built on emunas chachomim. . There was always a few bad apples . We had Acher and many such. There have also been many doctors who ended up being butchers but people still go to doctors. The gemarah says im raisa talmid chacham sheusa avera al tiharer acharuv ki vaday asa teshuva. There is a chazaka on a talmud chacham that he will not sink into sin even after sinning. To cast a shadow on the tzibur of talmidei chachomim and rabanim because of a few bad apples like me borders on the absurd . I am sure the writer who is himself a talmid chachom didn't mean it as I am interpreting it. However I still feel  a need to state this. Words such as those even if said with a different intention are a dangerous slippery slope to erode the respect of talmidei chachomim.

Dear oilam,
  All i can say is wow. what an amazing stream of ideas from everyone and i cant express how deeply moved i am by our family. First off- as far as a filter is concerned, we have k9, but my father has the password, and i figured it out, so thats no help. Secondly, i hate to say it, but  i know my father and his friends and they will delete any email from gue b4 opening it (not saying its not worth a try, just it will proabably not help the situation). and thirdly, I will let the oilam now my plan, and i would appreciate any comments. reb guard, shkoiach for the link-i listened to that r viener shiur last night, and although hes not the rav of my shul, i have a kesher with him and plan on writing him an anymous letter, providing him with the email that i made up for this site and to communicate with him letting him know the situation. as my father is concerned, i dont think im going to confront him - all my koiches are in learning and staying away from the shtusim that haunt me and my father, and i dont need any more tension right now.

again, thank u all for giving me a place to turn

Also, i do feel like i have some achrayus to make sure he doesnt get his emails-like the story from r guard-if he gets better, that can make my road that much smoother. also (this is proabably my yetzer talking) is there a lifnei iver happening- that or "lo saamod al dam reiacho" here?

ps i will put down my life savings that my rov is not involved in this

So why not let someone from here contact him??? Maybe Guard or someone with a non GYE-looking email address so atleast they would open it. whoever it is would obviously not mention that you did it, but it accomplishes alot and you would not have to get involved.

I am not volunteering to do this. Someone who is high up in the GYE ranks should be doing this, if you chose this option.

Just trying to keep your options open and making the best for everyone. Remember these people need recovery just as much, if not more, than you do. Dont get involved yourself but allow someone else to.

HAtzlocha on whatever you choose!

-Yiddle

R' guard now has the addresses, and well see what becomes with it

Ok great. Now to the more important topic. Your recovery. Hope your excited!

Chaverai,

I know I'm new here...but I must express how much it pains me to read this young man's post...I mean that was me 20 years ago!

"Nowhere to turn" let me tell you what I would have told myself...get help.

Get help now.

Get help before you spiral out of control.

Get help before you get married, have children, have a job and have other people rely on your success.

Get help before you have a rough day at home or at work and call a prostitute because the internet and the lap dances don't do it for you anymore.

Get help before you hit rock bottom and feel all alone.

I'm crying for you...because I know where you will be in 20 years from now if you don't get help...blogging on GYE in a hotel room alone...trying to get through your first day (night) of sobriety with the TV blaring in the other room.

Don't be embarrassed about it...as you can tell it's normal...get help young man.

Love you,

Y

I would like to add to Bruit's excellent comments.

If someone suspects he has been discovered, he will try to find a better way of not being caught. Change must come from within. You can not accomplish that. Leave that alone.

Since you know yourself how tough the struggle is, you can understand that it is a struggle for most people. Why else do you think there are laws of yichud? This struggle is not hereditary, it is part of being male. Those on this forum are jurneying upward and can have pity on those who are loosing the will to struggle.  Your pity on you father can impress upon you how fortunate you are to have decided to jurney upward at your young age, so that you will not get to such a stage yourself.

Loosing to the yetzer hora in one area does not undermine all the other good a person does. Clearly, Hashem wants one who sins in one area to still do everything else He desires. So, while you have had a most rude awakening to the gravity and pervasiveness of this lust, you have no reason to lose respect for all the other good you see in your father. Besides, you still have a mitzvah of kibud av.

So after all is said and done, LET GO of the subject of your father. Feel fortunate that you are focusing on your spiritual integrity. And don't forget, regarding every aspect of your situation, hashlech al Hashem Yehavecha vehu yechalkelecha (Tehillim) Cast all your burdens onto Hashem and He will sustain you.

I think you have gotten lot's of good advice from the more experienced members of the forum.  I will add one uncomfortable statement.  I can't imagine having a group of friends that I would share this secret with, in the sense of sharing pictures, as opposed to going to therapy together.  That doesn't mean they are incurable, but I think it does mean you should steer clear of trying to do more than help yourself.  You have come to the right place to get help and have done so at a younger age than most of us on the forum.  You have much to be proud of.