You've reached a great point - where you realize, and are able to say out loud that the addiction doesn't help at all, and when you resist, it feels much better. The key is to be able to say this when the yetzer hora approaches and makes his "sales pitch"  ;D

I'd say it's a pretty good bet that the negative feelings you had when you were growing up and your father didn't express his love for you - they're still there. Buried deep down? Maybe not as deep as you think.

One of the things that was very hard for me to face when I was in therapy several years was my anger - I never realized that deep down, I had a lot of anger bottled up. I never faced this anger, but it effected my reactions to various situations nonetheless.

And feeling need to be needed, wanted - that comes naturally to so many people here. it effects in this area, it effects our happiness overall, and it obviously will influence our marriage and relationship with our children, because we see, hear, say, do - it's all going through the filter of our neediness!

WELCOME LEVI

KEEP ON TRUCKIN

WE ARE HERE FOR YOU

OYOYOY SHABBBOS KOIDESH!!!

Welcome aboard!!  KUTGW!!

To my newest Holy Brother, Levi613,

Shavuah TOV!! May Hashem continue to bless you in all that you do!

Than you for joining our GYE Family, it means so much to me to have someone of your amazing caliber here on the forum. My heart is in pain reading your story, and hearing all that you had to live through, and even more about your close call at age 16.

I understand that your self esteem suffered, but look at yourself NOW! LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED! It takes a very brave and special man to turn his life around, and come under the wings of Hashem's Shechina, move to a new country and learn a new language, fight tooth and nail to grow in Kedusha and be open with people who can help about your problems. YOU ARE AMAZING TO ME! I STAND IN AWE OF YOU. I mean that. --- OK, I just sat down again, but i DID stand in awe for a moment...

You are not any lower in my eyes, in any of our eyes, and especially in Hashem's eyes because you've developed this lust addiction to porn and acting out. You are definitely NOT a nobody. YOU ARE THE BIGGEST SOMEBODY I KNOW! You are a BRAVE and HOLY soldier who has decided to FIGHT this yetzer hora rather than give in. How many of your past tormentors could hold their heads up to the light of your sensitivity and honest yearning for cleanliness?

And clean you will be. Kol Hascholas Kashos. You have made the first step, which was as big as climbing from here to the moon. Now you are one of US, and we are going to hold on tight to each other and NOT LET GO!!

I gotta go, or the sun will set without me... just remember to love yourself and be patient, everything you need to do to make it into recovery and purity will take time, and you need to allow yourself that time. A good friend of mine, also a Baal Teshuva,  got up from his first day in a daf yomi shiur, looked me in the eye and said "HOW DO YOU EAT AN ELEPHANT?" I thought he'd lost his marbles. Then he continued with his answer: "One bite at a time..."

Kol Tuv, my new friend, and feel free to check out my thread or anyone else's on this heilige forum. You will see while your story has some differences, in reality we all have much more in common with each other. You are no longer alone.

And we are all here for you!

Levi613 wrote on 05 Mar 2010 02:29:


I was thinking about you and your struggle.

One thing came to mind that I think you'd like to hear:

The yeitzer hara plays awful tricks on us.

He tells us YOU CAN'T STOP, YOU CAN'T STOP, YOU CAN'T STOP, YOU'RE UNDER MY CONTROL YOU'RE UNDER MY CONTROL YOU'RE ALL MINE!

Then, right after we act out, he turns around and gets us to believe:

IT'S ALL MY FAULT!  IT'S ALL MY FAULT!  IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

See the contraction?  We'd never let a maggid shiur or a chavrusa get away with a blatant stirah like that, but we believe everything the yeitzer hara says!  We let it totally destroy our self-confidence.

For me, a big chiddush was from the handbooks--if we don't act out WE DON'T SUFFER ANY HARMFUL PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS.  We won't blow up.

Part of the solution was knowing this.  And, I thought FOR SURE, without a release of pressure at least once/month that I'd blow up!  This, I now see, is totally false.

On the other hand, we are struggling with a powerful addiction, so we should be proud of any signs of progress, and not be angry with ourselves because we're not perfect yet.

And, the second statement of the yeitzer is also false.  Did you try everything you know of SO FAR to stop yourself?  Usually we do, but yet we stumble.  We're not fully equipped yet to stay clean.  So, if we tried, though we failed, it could be this battle WAS beyond our capabilities.  As far as G-d is concerned, perhaps WE'RE NOT AT FAULT!  Just stick with GYE and read through the handbooks again.  Something will click this time that maybe didn't click last time.

I have found it very helpful to analyze each fall--why did I fall?  What was I thinking before hand?  What was going on in my life?

See what triggered the fall.  You sound like a profound fellow, you can probably do this very well.

And, absolute honesty is essential.  At first it was painful to post "I slipped," or "I fell," again and again.  But, the brutal honesty is what eventually led to my recovery (in-progress).

Brutal honesty included other things as well--I REALLY DO NEED A FILTER!  Or, I REALLY SHOULDN'T BE SEARCHING FOR SUCH-AND-SUCH!

I hope these words have been helpful.

Shavua Tov,

  --Eye.

Dear Levi613,

I saw the vort below on Shabbos and IMMEDIATELY thought of you. This is from Rabbi Frand on Parshas Ki Sisa, posted in the Parsha section on the torah.org website, which is a valuable resource and place of inspiration for anyone at any level.


Where Is Mordechai Alluded To In Chumash?

The Gemarah in Chullin [139b] expounds on the pasuk discussing the recipe for making the ketores [incense] used on the Mizbayach HaPineemee [inner Altar]: Where is there an illusion to the personage of Mordechai in the Torah (Chumash)? It is found in this pasuk -- "Take for yourself spices, Mor Deror..." [Shmos 30:23]. The Aramaic targum [translation] of the words Mor Deror is "Mor dechya" (which when put together becomes Mordechai). What do Chazal mean by this exegesis?

The Chasam Sofer suggests an interesting explanation: The Rambam explains in Hilchos Klei HaMikdash that the spice which the Torah calls Mor Deror is musk. This is the opinion of Rabbeinu Yona as well. In Tractate Brachos, Rabbeinu Yonah explains how we obtain the musk ingredient. There is a certain animal that grows a boil on its neck, which is filled with blood. When the boil dries out, the blood turns into a powder like substance, which is musk. This is used in the ketores and is critical for providing it with its pleasant aroma. Some Rishonim question the Rambam and Rabbeinu Yona: How can we take a substance that originated in an impure source (blood of a non Kosher animal) and use it in the ketores in the Bais HaMikdash [Temple]? The Rabbeinu Yona answers that the powder like musk is a "new substance" (panim chadashos ba-u l'kan) and is disassociated from the original blood of the non-kosher animal.

Mordechai's lineage is traced in the Megillah. He is identified as Mordechai the son of Yair, the son of Shimi, the son of Kish [Eshter 2:5]. Who was Shimi? This is none other than Shimi ben Geirah, arch-enemy of Dovid HaMelech [King David]. He called the King an adulterer and a murderer. Shimi was a traitor who cursed Dovid HaMelech when he was down and out. The righteous Mordechai was the grandson of Shimi. How can such a Tzadik come from such a wicked person?

The answer is that a person can disregard his lineage and make himself into a great person. Where do we find such a precedent as Mordechai in the Torah? Namely, where do we find that in spite of one's ancestry, he can prove himself and be the leader of a generation? We find that phenomenon in the musk (Mor Deror = More Dechya) used in the ketores. Its origin stemmed from the blood of a non-kosher animal and yet it was a key ingredient in the ketores burned on the Mizbayach HaPineemee.

________________________

Levi, this idea shows that no matter WHERE a person comes from, whether he is a Ger Tzeddek like yourself, or Baal Teshuvah struggling to remake himself from his past, all of us can reach great heights with Hashem on our side. And we should BELIEVE in ourselves, in our inherent JEWISH NESHOMAS that you, i and we all have, that we can and WILL get there. Remember WHO you REALLY ARE!! You are a soldier in Hashem's army! You are as much a son of Avraham, Yitzchak and Yaakov as I am!

Daven for the strength and insight you need, trust ONLY in Hashem as the One who can provide that to you, and Hashem WILL send it to you. He may use shluchim like us at GYE, but we're being sent by Him. There are NO COINCIDENCES in life.

Hang in there, bro, and Kol Tuv,

Steve.

BS"D


To whomever it may concern (short of a better way to open),

When lurked in by the Yetser Horah, I would indeed feel less broken (nonetheless broken). But what was indeed, like you said Eye, when I would go all out and act out I would be devastated. I always identified two types of Chatoim by me. The accident, from which I would have been able to stop myself, on the one hand. And on the other hand, sometimes I would be in such a despondent mood that I would go all out to do the Chait. Even horses wouldn't be able to stop me. Because I wanted to and I did.
You will probably also notice the strong contradiction in my feeling on this. The accident, by which I wouldn't feel as devastated, and the all-out one by which I would feel crushed.
By the second type I wouldn't bother fighting. I feel still terrible about all of them.
The first type I would tell myself I am not going to look at anything, and then I ended up reading or looking at things and eventually touching as well. Then I would slowely but surely be sucked in.
The second type I would just go straight to the right address. I would already have made up my mind. I wouldn't even try to speak to my senses.
Probably, if I would have thought up in my mind a very vivid picture of the Malach HaMoves standing straight across from me, it would have stopped me.
My feeling of guilt lies mainly in the fact that I feel we are able to overcome the wiles of the Yetser Horah. But I was just too lazy or too determined.

One time when I acted out in  the middle of the night. My wife sleeps always so deep that she doesn't wake up when I open up this gateway to Gehinom. I was oiver. Then when I came to the corridor, my three year old daughter just had come out of bed. She does that sometimes. She had a balloon tied to her motzets (pacifier). Walking to our bedroom. I was overcome by Rachmanus. i am still crying aout seeing her then, I made a decision at that time that I owe it to them that I should make all efforts too stop. My four children. I love them so much. If only I could give it to them, that they would have a normal father.

Well, at least I am on the way. Six clean days on the chart. Though they were tough and difficult, I have to keep going. Please give me support!
I thank everybody who has responded and thought of me.  

Levi613

Mazal Tov on the First Six Days of the rest of your life.

Keep thinking of your wife and children. That's a GREAT motivation.

Be patient, it DOES get easier with time away from the aveira. But you must fill the emotional void at the loss of the false pleasures of all the Lust acts. Without filling that void with kedusha and positive feelings about yourself and accomplishments, we can easily fall into a depression when life gets tough, and turn back to lust to make us feel better.

Remember, there's BOTH Sur Meirah, V'Asei Tov.

Find some ways to be of service to others. Don't just give tzeddakah, GIVE TIME. Is there a Tomchei Shabbos or a Bikur Cholim you can join or help with? Can you be a Big Brother to some kids who need more than just a tutor? Can you spend more quality time with your wife and children, helping her in the house? Take on a short learning seder before davening, which will improve your tefillos and increase your self esteem?

The more you feel GOOD about yourself, the happier you are with life in general, the less the desire to look and touch will become with time. And it's important to give that TIME tzeddakah to yourself, too.

KUTGW!!

Steve.

Steve wrote on 07 Mar 2010 20:36:


Levi613: Steve just spoke a beautiful, essential thought. 

I don't know you enough to tell you how to apply it. But for me it's an essential part of my keeping going.  First, find something GOOD to take in, and THEN let the bad fall aside in order to make room.  An empty vacuum would be terrible.  Steve, sh'koiach.

You can do this - and the more you distance yourself from this, the more you'll see how wonderful and beautiful life is without it (while now, the yetzer hora tells you how miserable life would be, and how you won't be able to cope).

Also, the more you distance yourself, the more you'll find yourself open to enjoying all the wonderful things that life has to offer - being the best father and husband, davening, learning, etc. You'll be able to appreciate these things more, as time goes on.

But like everyone is saying - stopping is essential, but you need to fill up on good things. Take your pick - maybe even discuss them here!

Nothing much to say other that we're rooting for you...

Peace and Love Dear Brother...

Congrats on 6 clean days!

That's great.

Every day you stay clean makes it easier to stay clean another day.

I would add about all this emotional void stuff...

There staying away from our addiction, and then we need to find a healthy way to satisfy our emotions.

BUT, sometimes we MAKE the void with our own two hands.  We drive ourselves mad with high expectations and unrealistic goals.  AND THEN WE NEED TO "ACT OUT" TO RELEASE OUR TENSION.

But where did it all come from in the first place?

Sometimes the best way to "fill the void" is just to ease up on ourselves.

Stop MAKING a void!

Chill.

Keep up the good work,

  --Eye.

Once again we're seeing Eye to "Eye"...

It's so important not to be too hard on yourself. You've got to give yourself TIME. Be patient. In the DC calls, we learned a GREAT adage - it's from Doctor Twersky -

Guilt says "I made a mistake"
Shame says "I AM a mistake"

Levi, throw out the Shame. IT"S WRONG! Hashem made you, even who you are today, and HASHEM DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES! It's OK to think that we MADE a mistake. But we should avoid cursing ourselves, calling ourselves idiots or other low names. V'Ahavta L'Reiecha KoMocha applies to ONESELF as well - we can't love others as we love ourselves UNLESS WE LOVE OURSELVES! Part of the Kiyum of that mitzvah is to be Dan L'Kaf Zechus. For others, we creatively invent excuses. Why not give ourselves a break? We'll have our tikun, our perfection one day. We're just not there yet.

And Levi, you are ONE REALLY SPECIAL GUY. BELIEVE in yourself, and you can accomplish ANYTHING you set out to do, with Hashem's help.

Oh, and please continue to post. Even a short "Hello, I'm still alive!" is welcome here.

KT,

Steve.

BS"D

To whomever it may concern,

There it is, after eight clean days I had a terrible fall. I try to just get over it and go weiter. Nisht pashut. I feel like a rag, like a nobody. That what you'll say is all true. The Yetser Horah now tries to make me depressed. What can I do?
Well, I am probably longing for some more chizuk. Don't tell me that it is not that bad, because I know it is.
Just I have to have the right feeling for re-starting.
I surely and strongly thank everybody for your tremendous support.

Levi613

Eight days clean is a great accomplishment to have under your belt!

In the holy words of Bardichev, "FELL SCHMELL"

Just keep on truckin'.

--Eye.