Hello Hello.

First time writing here on GYE, I had an account a few years ago and maybe i wrote one post but i forgot the username and password and never checked in again,

i have been struggling for over 25 years, but my struggle is a little different than others.

I never ever watch porn, i actually feel discussed by it, so if that is the case why am i here?

I masturbate with high frequency, but why do i do it ?

I have a fetish that i am connected to and its part of me for over 25 years, i wake up with it, think of it large portions of the day and go to sleep with it, i use it to fall asleep ( when i need help falling asleep) masturbation is just the tool to finish and move on to the next time.

I dont enjoy sex , the only time i can finish is when i think about the fetish and that helps me finish 

I am still very very worry that people will figure out who i am so i dont feel comfortable revealing what the fetish is, but would love to hear from anyone that is going thought something like this so i can once and for all overcome this, 

I want to and will kick this out of my system , i am clean of masturbation now for  10 days but not clean of the urges and thought 

i really want to get over it, but from the other side i really enjoy thinking about the fetish 

please if anyone can relate please help me,

i have so much respect for all of you 

Thank You 

Have you ever tried therapy to deal with your fetish? I believe that would be important.

vehkam wrote on 13 Jul 2025 16:36:


I did and went a few times but when i mentioned it they pushed it away and said that there are bigger things to work on first 
which is true and i have been in therapy for almost 2 years and making lots of progress but this thing never came up again and to be honest i dont know if i am strong enough to bring it up , especially since it was shot down like this 

I chatted with mentor here and he agreed that this is something that should be handled with a CSAT therapist,

he recommended Shimon Frankel of Lakewood, i reached out to him didnt get a response back

but anyone with experience with him  or any other Frum CSAT Therapist that handled similar to my issue as described above  i would appreciate it, 

You can call the organization called Relief and they can help you find a CSAT.

vehkam wrote on 14 Jul 2025 12:14:

I dont want other people to know, 
When going via a referral you have to give you name 

Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult - I can feel how much courage it took to write this, and I really respect your honesty about what you're going through. What you're describing is actually more common than you might think, even though it feels incredibly isolating. Many people struggle with specific fetishes or fantasies that become the primary way they experience sexual pleasure, and it can create this exact cycle you're describing.

The fact that you don't watch porn but still struggle shows real insight into your own patterns. You're right that your situation is unique, but the core challenge - feeling controlled by sexual thoughts and behaviors - is something many people here understand deeply. Here's what I'm hearing: you have a fetish that's become so integrated into your daily life that it's affecting your ability to connect sexually with your wife and is occupying way too much mental space. The 25-year timeline tells me this isn't just a habit - it's become a deeply ingrained part of how your brain processes pleasure and comfort.

A few thoughts that might help:

You're not alone in this specific type of struggle. There are people who deal with fetishes that have become compulsive, and many have found ways to regain control.

The fact that you're 10 days clean from masturbation is significant progress. That shows you have the ability to break the behavioral pattern, even if the mental piece is still challenging.

Your worry about being identified is completely understandable. You don't need to reveal specific details to get help - the patterns and feelings you're describing are what matter most.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist who specializes in sexual compulsivity? They work with people dealing with all kinds of fetishes and compulsive behaviors, and they're bound by confidentiality. The internal conflict you're describing - wanting to overcome it but also enjoying the thoughts - is totally normal. Part of recovery is learning to sit with that tension without acting on it.

You mentioned wanting to "kick this out of your system" - that's a powerful motivation. Hold onto that determination, especially on the hard days.

Thank you for sharing something so personal and difficult - I can feel how much courage it took to write this, and I really respect your honesty about what you're going through. What you're describing is actually more common than you might think, even though it feels incredibly isolating. Many people struggle with specific fetishes or fantasies that become the primary way they experience sexual pleasure, and it can create this exact cycle you're describing.

The fact that you don't watch porn but still struggle shows real insight into your own patterns. You're right that your situation is unique, but the core challenge - feeling controlled by sexual thoughts and behaviors - is something many people here understand deeply. Here's what I'm hearing: you have a fetish that's become so integrated into your daily life that it's affecting your ability to connect sexually with your wife and is occupying way too much mental space. The 25-year timeline tells me this isn't just a habit - it's become a deeply ingrained part of how your brain processes pleasure and comfort.

A few thoughts that might help:

You're not alone in this specific type of struggle. There are people who deal with fetishes that have become compulsive, and many have found ways to regain control.

The fact that you're 10 days clean from masturbation is significant progress. That shows you have the ability to break the behavioral pattern, even if the mental piece is still challenging.

Your worry about being identified is completely understandable. You don't need to reveal specific details to get help - the patterns and feelings you're describing are what matter most.

Have you considered speaking with a therapist who specializes in sexual compulsivity? They work with people dealing with all kinds of fetishes and compulsive behaviors, and they're bound by confidentiality. The internal conflict you're describing - wanting to overcome it but also enjoying the thoughts - is totally normal. Part of recovery is learning to sit with that tension without acting on it.

You mentioned wanting to "kick this out of your system" - that's a powerful motivation. Hold onto that determination, especially on the hard days.

Thank You very much for your long response, and for your Chizuk, it means a lot to me, 

It looks like you put in a lot of time to respond and that you started responding before my Addional posts 

I do release the need of a CSAT therapist and i followed up for more information 



Thank You again 

strugglingsince12 wrote on 14 Jul 2025 14:22:

I don't remember if i had to give a name or not. I imagine they can work with you around that.  You can always call and share your concerns, they are not judgemental.

Hi fellow tzadikim, 
Just wanted to hear your opinion, 
I am in prosses of locating a good frum CSAT therapist ,

But i want to mention something very strange, since i opened up to a mentor here on GYE and opened this forum and reached out to the CSAT therapist and told them my story with full details, the urge and nisoiness vanished, this is something i never had, 
is this normal , have you seen something like this ?
i know i am not cured, and i cant trust myself but wht does it mean ?

100% normal, the wonders the GYE does no therapist in the world can do. i have tried it in the past and wasn't as effective at all, let's not fool our selves that still plenty of triggers and urges but the cure is unbelievable....

may i suggest that you change your username to something positive, the name strugglingsince12 brings out pain.... just a suggestion 

For what it means to you, being that I am relatively new here:
I had a similar experience the first time I opened up to my mentor (and I'm sure others do as well).
I'm still figuring myself out here, but I do know that a big part of the fight and struggle is the overwhelming need to keep it private.
The fear that if people know they won't respect me and that I am a lost cause, or "Broken".
Once I had that first conversation, and heard the respect and caring in my mentor(s) voice, a huge part of that disappeared, which in itself gave me the ability to say no to harmful behaviors after that.
Also, once I spoke it out, it became more "real" in a way that I can face it for what it is:  
(As my mentor so amazingly showed me)
1. The desire for connection- being channeled the wrong way.
2. A coping mechanism for stress and anxiety, which, at regular levels, are a normal part of life and have to be dealt with healthily. 
And to a big extent (For a limited amount of time) took away the desire entirely.
But it did come back and that's why we have mentors, accountability partners, this Forum, and Therapists.

hashemisonmyside wrote on 16 Jul 2025 18:35:

Sorry , this is what i felt when i opened it, not sure i can change it, i also like to be a poasitive person, but i also learned to be able to connect with my feelings and nane it, and this is what comes to mind, if i would start feeling diferently and the system will allow mw to change it i will, but i appreciate the reply 

mesayinoso wrote on 16 Jul 2025 19:42:

Thank you for the reply,
bh still going strong, i know there will be downs and ups but i need to be positive now , thank you again