Hi All,

I've been lurking around here for quite a while, I've posted a few times and connected with a couple of you over the past year or so. 

The past year -since the end of last summer- I've had some really great stretches and some pretty rough crashes! I started out going about 6 months clean after connecting to HHM and doing accountability program with him. After awhile I felt like I had everything figured out and kinda lost touch with him, which obviously ain't the case and eventually ended up falling. Since then I've been back to the regular ups and downs, going a few weeks clean then falling etc etc.

Today one of the chevra here reached out and encouraged me to get back on here, so here I am! At this point I realize that I need your guys help to get me through this battle so putting myself out here! 

Looking forward to connecting with you all!

Welcome back! 
you can probably relate to the Mishnah ואל תאמין בעצמך עד יום מותך (אבות ב,ד)
the yh never gives up 
I heard a story about the yh telling someone to sleep in “a bit” more, and he told the yh you wake up early every morning to do hashem’s will I will do the same
(if anyone knows please correct add who it was said about if you know the story)
much continued Hatzlocho!

Sooo I had another fall today-(motzei shabbos), was such a stressful day kids and wife sick and trying to help out as much as I can but also pretty wiped out myself, didn't have much willpower to hold out.

Funny that it's actually kind of embarrassing to post that even though it's totally anonymous.

Going forward I'll start posting here twice a week - maybe Monday and Thursday- to keep myself accountable. Looking forward to hearing from you all!

Sorry for your fall. Here's a hug...

Why don't you try reaching out to some of the great guys and mentors here?
The connection can be a very helpful along with posting.

Here's a very small list:
Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com cleanmendy - mendelclean1234@gmail.com
And many more!

Keep it coming! You got this!

Welcome on board!
With the chevra over here we all get chizzuk!
coming here is the first giant leap toward freedom and takes  all the courage!!
chazk v'ematz we're all rooting for you and waiting to hear about your accent!
hatzlacha

Thanks to all for the encouragement! 

Just wanted to share a small win- one of the issues for me lately has been that my wife's laptop isn't filtered. After convincing her of the importance of having her devices filtered she tried it out for a few months and then one day decided that filters don't work for her and promptly removed them which kind of caught me off guard suddenly having open Internet and I fell into my old ways. Anyways after speaking to someone here about it they recommended speaking to my Rav which I did! Hopefully he'll be able to impress upon my wife the need for filtering- now I just have to tell my wife that the rabbis gonna give her a call about this- hope she's cool with that!

Till next time
Mr94

I admire you for taking such steps to stay clean. Wishing you the best!

WOW!
you're on the right path
you're doing MEGA stuff!
Keep up the good work

Mr94 wrote on 15 Jul 2025 03:00:

That's a really positive step forward! It takes courage to reach out to your Rav about something so personal, and it shows you're taking your recovery seriously. The fact that you recognized the trigger and took action instead of just accepting the situation is huge progress.

When you talk to your wife about the Rav calling, maybe frame it as getting guidance for both of you as a team rather than just focusing on the filtering issue. Rabbis are often great at helping couples navigate these challenges together in a way that strengthens the relationship.

You're doing the right thing by involving your Rav - having that outside perspective and authority can really help when you're both trying to create the best environment for your growth. Wishing you much success with this conversation and the call!

Thank you everyone for the kind words, really means a lot!

Yesterday I brought up the issue of filtering with my wife and initially she really wasn't open to discussing it - I really tried to broach the subject in a non confrontational way like DAVIDT was saying but still she felt a little under attack. 

Now just as sidenote as far as I know my wife is not aware that I'm currently struggling with pornography, though I have openly told her that when I was younger I was challenged by it and  having open internet is a major nisayon for me, she just believes that having a password on her computer or phone is good enough.

So anyways I explained to her that when I was younger my parents were clueless about filtering and I figured out all their passwords and I suffered from it all my teenage years and I felt like I have a responsibility not to make the same mistake with my children. When I explained it like that she could relate to what I was saying and she agreed to try to work something out together. So BH I had a lot of siyata dishmaya with that!

Next step is to actually follow through and try to figure out how to address all her issues with having a filter and address them. One step at a time...

Till next time
Mr94

Good luck my friend!

I'm in kind of a similiar situation regarding a filter for my wife's devices. I think it's a great idea to use the children as a way of discussing it instead of it being a nissayon for you (also my mentor reccomended this strategy).
But really this in itself is a good enough reason to have filters! After what we went through we want to do our best so that our children don't have to go through the same pain that we went through...
May there be much Hatzlacha to both of us!

I was battling an urge today and what helped me out was knowing that if I fell I'd have to fess up to it over here!

Still haven't got around to dealing with the filter on my wifes devices- basic situation mesilas yesharim describes that if you don't do mitzvos bzrizus the yetzer hara gets involved and makes sure it doesn't happen at all- that said tomorrow bl'n I'll reach out to someone at Tag to discuss it.

Mr 94

Having this same issue with trying to get my wife to get a filter.
For now I'm just very careful not to see her do her password, and if I do, I tell her to change it.
Cuz without scaring her about all the details of what "Could" happen to our kids, most of which she thinks (Like most ppl) that it only happens to "Others" but not "our kids" and the stories are "Blown out of proportion" and the fact that filters slow down the phone and make it a little glitchy sometimes is enough of a deterrent for her not to want it.

someone123 wrote on 18 Jul 2025 06:54:

My personal understanding is that the best way to speak to one's wife about these things is not rational but rather feelings-based.
Not because there is a "technical" problem that the kids may see your password and get into schmutz, but rather from a feelings point of view, something like this: "My darling, you make our home such a beautiful place. A yiddishe home. Full of Kedusha. I feel that there is something that could bring the level of our home another notch higher... if your phone were to have a filter, it would mean so much to me and would be so special. (Now you can throw the kids in if you want:) Our children will see that we make an extra effort for the sake of והיה מחניך קדוש...."
Because deep down she also feels that there is something wrong with having a phone that is open to pornography the world.