Hey haven't been here in a while !! Bh today's been a great day although the last week was horrible (not clean wise ,life wise)but bh thank you hashem for a good day,!!   I'm 9days clean and really making progress overall in managing my emotions which are definitely helping me stay more logical and calm when I get triggered (it also helps that I don't get triggered in the first place).
  the more im digging deeper into myself the more I realize how much work I'm going to have to put in and how long this is going to last , its going to be my lifeswork(lav davka the p and m struggle). But the underlying reasons y I'm going down the p and m route.
  I pray I should always stay strong.
 And it's you guys that keep me.

Haveing a huge HUGE urge allready for few days off and on type(granted it's my fault that I started the trigger.. but facts on ground is that I'm here). Bh definitely see I made progress as I'm still clean( by the skin of my teeth) and was managing to keep myself at bay , but think by now I'm gonna crack.
    hashem hear my plea 
 Stay with me , and give me the siyata dishmayah to continue growing as a person and to discover my true inner self and not lose myself in doing that.

So the story ended the way it always does I fell,  
it's killing me that I m  still in these disgusting actions, 
   HASHEM WHAT HAPPENED TO ME
   What's going to happen...................
     Bh I'm digging really deep into myself and learning alot about myself,
But the catch 22 is that so much pain and hurts brought up and I'm not strong enough to carry it.
    With tears...

Their are shoulders available for your heaving sobs buddy. Use them.

Dear holy brother, we feel you, we cry with you, it can be so very painful sometimes, הזורעים בדמעה ברינה יקצורו, let's use these tears and water ourselves with it... let it grow into a beautiful heiligeh yid! let's use this moment to look even deeper into ourself, and then will come the רינה, it's so hard to face ourselves... to accept ourselves.. to embrace ourselves..., but it is so important.

with a mirrer heart overflowing with brotherly love,
@altehmirrer

To give credit to the tzadikem/chaverim here , I wanna give a shkoich for all those that told me no matter what you do , where you go, what you see , we'll be there for you and were still gonna be friends, and deep down I was like really or just saying that now to get me clean.... But by now I could say I see it was real and earnest  . When I opened my thread and saw all the thank yous from ppl that have given me hours upon hours for no other reason besides for that they wanna help me , whether I called erev shabbos , during seder , or when they were by a simcha . You chevra are amazing 
      ah gutten nacht!!!!!!

אל תראוני שאני שחרחורת ששזפתני השמש 
The gra there speaks of how our neshama is always clean no matter the dirt we've accumulated through chet................... You are a great guy stuck in a rut.... we love you and want you to be successful - and you WILL be bs"d. Stay strong buddy

Bh had a decent day ,   Not sure what exactly to make of this but maybe someone here came make sense of it for me ...         After a fall there's obviously a lot of guilt and shame together with a big dose of yiush of If I can ever get outta this miserable hole,         but when that initial shock and failure wears off. There's a clarity on what I want in life , a certain calm , and a strength that comes out.
     Maybe its atsas hayaitser idk.
     Have a great night my tayeraeh chavairem!!!
  

So I thank hashem for the quiet the last 6 days .... But now th yh s back full force ,
 Gonna try to be in touch with some oilom here ,  but like a soldier in battle I'm ready for the fight. 
   HASHEM please give me the strenth to stay clean and to be on top of my shmiras eynayim.

8 days clean !  Some urges in later afternoon bh holding strong ! 

16 days clean!! Bh last few days were busy enjoyable and relaxing(dunno if that's an oxymoron) that I did not have much lust yishtabach shemo!!  So now in a much stronger position  after being pretty much lust free for few days.
    zeit gezunt yidden

Raboisay 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let's just say I'm a drop exited , 
  ever since I fell for the first time since joining gye I haven't felt this strong and powerful enough to beat /crush /obliterate this darn YH that occupies way to much of my brain space . 
  Thank you my friend s For getting me to this spot .
 I hope to bring you chevra asach yiddishe nachas ! You guys deserve it for all the koiches you light arain in me 
       Ah guten nacht,   singing off from lalaland

lamaazavtuni wrote on 11 Jun 2025 04:16:

Is that near Burma?

Muttel wrote on 11 Jun 2025 13:04:

I can confirm that this is nowhere near Burma.
Thank you in advance for your cooperation.

(Summary written by AI)

Ah gut vuch ,  after feeling so strong and confident I fell on Thursday .... Although I did reach out to a friend and took all the precautions it didn't end up helping and at one point I just gave in.
first time I watched p in a long long while so I'm a little nervous that I just opened a fat can of worms considering that I think I made a lot of progress in recognizing the fakeness of it and now those thoughts that thats how se.. could look starts creeping into my mind and the endless opportunities of what to watch and now i feel like I missed some....
But at least I didn't go live so gotta look at the positive side 
 Overall feel like I'm making a lot of headway in discovering the root of this problem,    
  HASHEM yilacheim lachem veyatem tachrishoon!!!!!