Grew up in a normal religious family. In the middle of elementary school, we made Aliyah and have been in Israel since. In high school, religion didn't really intrest me, was always shomer shabbos, but didn't daven three times a day and wouldn't always put on tefilin. What mainly intrested me were sports and video games. Of course as most teenagers at some point (13-14?) also got into P&M. Don't think I ever got to the point where I was extremely addicted, usually a few times a week, sometimes a few times a day. But back then I didn't really see a problem with it, I mean I knew it wasn't allowed according to religion, but like I said that didn't really intrest me. There was no discussing of this topic either with my family members...

After highschool I went to a program before the army and started להתחזק. Found myself in yeshiva for 3 years before I went into the army. At that point was when the struggle started because now I wanted to stop... At first I don't think I made a change with my unfiltered phone, but at some point, probably a year or so into yeshiva I finally got rid of my unfiltered phone. But that only helped out when I was in yeshiva. Whenever I got home I would always fall because all the devices at home were unfiltered. At some point I think I mentioned something to my parents but they didn't really like the idea of putting a password on every device. I didn't feel comfortable having an open conversation with them about what I'm going through. (In hind-sight could be that having that conversation would have changed things). Anyway, nothing really changed and that was more or less the situation all the time I was in yeshiva, almost always when I came home I would fall... Same situation when I was in the army, pretty much only fell when I came home and after that was another few years in yeshiva with the same situation.

Around seven years ago I got married, b"h today happily married with a few kids. I had thought that as soon as I got married everything would be over and I wouldn't be dealing with this anymore. After the wedding things did start getting better but still not 100%. At first I went a while without P&M, don't remember exactly how long but at some point I fell, my wife didn't have filters on her computer or on her phone. Eventually I asked her to put a password on both her phone and computer and that usually worked, but only for a few months until at one point I would ask to use the computer for something I needed and instead of putting in her code she told me the code. Or a few times I just saw the code she put into her phone and that way had access all the time. But there is definitely an improvement since the marriage compared to before that. Now I'm usually able to go a few months without slipping up, then I slip up for somewhere between a few days up to a few weeks and then another few months clean. When the war in Israel started (Simchat Torah a year and a half ago) I had been over a year clean! But then I fell again... And then it was the same, few months clean until I fall again. Until last week I had been clean for around five months and fell again...

Saw ads for GYE a few years ago but only now decided to sign up and hopefully B"H this will help me take the next step I need to be clean completely. Starting to go through the flight to freedom program, making a real plan on how to deal with this. I also have new motivation to finally get this over with because besides my devotion to Hashem and to the Torah and to my wife, I've also started teaching Torah in highschool and don't want to be one that preaches one way but acts another...

After reading a few posts on the forum here, I feel pretty grateful for my situation because I never fell into anything worse than P&M B"H. Also I don't feel like it's made a direct impact on other parts of my life or שלום בית as with others (I believe that there are for sure unconscious effects on married life and intimacy, but it hasn't effected me in a conscious way that I'm sure it's effected others' married life...)

Part of my path I think is for sure sending this post to the forum, because as of now nobody in the world knows I'm dealing with this battle (my wife also thinks it's been over with since the wedding) and it will definitely help being in the battle together with others...

Thank you!

Shalom Brother someone and welcome!

I can relate to your pattern of p and m from a few days to a few weeks, then a period of not before falling back in. What I didn't realize then was that while I wasn't engaged in p and m during those "clean" months, I was not actually clean. Lust was alive and well, despite not acting on it with those particular behaviors. 

What internal changes have you been able to work on? 
Connecting with others is a powerful tool, and I hope that you coming to GYE will provide the push you are looking for. As you hang around the forums, reach out to anyone that you think you might click with.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight, some of them you may not be familiar with.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program* (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle, as you mentioned.
Posting is a great way to connect, learn, and grow also. 
(The Hall of Fame Thread is an awesome compilation of some the great threads on GYE.)

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com

Many of these tools can effect real, internal, lasting change. If the work is put in, and the vigilance is kept up you can WILL become a different man.
Keep postin', you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Lookin' forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

*NEW VAAD STARTING SOON! NEVER TOO LATE TO JOIN! (PSST...YOU CAN EVEN JOIN A VAAD THAT ALREADY STARTED...SHHH) JUST HIT THAT LINK TO SIGN UP! 

Wow! Amazing! 
My dearest newest brother, welcome to THE most amazing family on earth! You sound like a truly wonderful person, who has done much to grow in this area, and beH we look forward to watching you soar! Keep posting, keep us posted, and keep on trucking!

Welcome! Try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:

1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.

2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.

Links are below in my signature. Wishing you much success!

BenHashemBH wrote on 05 Jun 2025 16:29:

So looking back on past two and a half years in which I had a stretch of over a year clean and more recently 5 months clean, I feel like I was for the most part actually clean. Usually the first month after relapse I can relate with what you're saying, you might not actually fall but your thoughts aren't completely clean from lust. But I think for sure during the recent five month stretch (the longer stretch was over a year and a half ago and I don't know if I remember details exactly) after I was 1-2 months in being clean, I was also clean from lust. There might have been a lust thought here or there but I was pretty quickly able to get rid of it. I feel like since I've already been clean for over a year in the past, even though that was a year and a half ago, the starting process isn't as tough for me, I feel pretty confident right now that I'll be able to go a few months now without any super tough battles, the real battle for me is that I need to work on a solid plan A) on figuring out what my triggers are and make sure that I minimize them as much as I can and B ) knowing how to deal with a trigger in advance, if I know something is coming up that is a potential trigger for me, preparing in advance how to deal with it, (In Mesilat Yesharim the Ramchal talks about this in the chapter on Zehirut, planning before act and during the act) and last C) learning how to overcome the inevitable trigger when I face it, learning tequniches how to deal with the urge.


This one is a bit tough. I honestly think that mainly I've only worked on external changes, making sure I don't have access to unfiltered devices, etc... This was the main step that helped me get to the point I'm at now. Thanks to the external changes I was able to stay clean for long periods and as the time goes on, the longer you go into a clean streak the lower the urges are and greater the distance between them. Maybe you can elaborate on what exact internal changes you mean? I think this is probably the next step I need in becoming 100% clean and passing my previous streak.

Another thing I've been thinking about, in my first years going through this struggle, every time I would fall I would always eat myself over it, I would cry to Hashem, say Tehilim late at night, say תיקון חצות, etc... In the past years with this battle I feel like on the one hand I've gotten a little more 'numb' to the sin and I rarely ever cry before Hashem about it anymore (mostly just on Yom Kippur and once in a while in shmonei esrei during סלח לנו), on the one hand this is kind of sad that I don't feel as bad for the sin anymore, on the other hand I feel like that approach has really helped me continue on without being stuck in the sin. Knowing that the sin isn't part of me and that all my other Torah learning and Mitzvot are still alive and that's what I really care about in life. B"H in the future when I feel like this is really past me I will do full Teshuva (through all the stages) without there being the danger of making my like revolve around the sin.

Sounds like you had a really rough upbringing — not in the classic sense, but in the quiet, internal way that so many people go through without anyone ever knowing. You managed to turn yourself around and reconnect with Hashem, turning apathy into connection, dissonance into strength, and personal struggle into a form of eternity. That is so, so amazing.

Yet… we all learn at some point that there’s no such thing as “happily ever after” in this world. Growth is not a straight line. The next challenge always waits just around the corner — sometimes from the past, sometimes from the present. And it’s frustrating! You thought you were done. You thought it was over.

But you didn’t throw in the towel.

You keep showing up. You keep trying. You keep lighting a candle in the darkness, not just for yourself but for everyone around you — your students, your wife, your children, and now all of us who read your post.

You’re an inspiration. Keep going. The world desperately needs more people like you.

שבוע טוב!

BH clean for 12 days. As I mentioned I've already gone clean for 5 months and also over a year in the past so therefore my first goal right now is getting to 6 months. I will still try to post here occasionally though as I think it will help me on my journey.

Also been trying to cut down on use of media in general (radio and news), that had been going well, was only listening to a brief summary of the news once or twice a day. Unteil Thurdsday night (the attack on Iran) since then I've been checking the news constantly…

After reading through the forum a bit one of my main thoughts in terms of chinuch has been how important it is for our children our talmidim to feel completely comfortable to talk to us about this. I think this really for most could be the most helpful thing there is, having someone to talk with freely about their battles. In most yeshiva I think this topic is for sure mentioned, about the importance of this battle, etc… But nobody ever talks about how anyone struggling with this battle doesn't need to feel like all of their other Avodat Hasehm is worthless, how this is only one aspect of our Avodat Hashem. I think the more it's talked about in the public shiurim how many people fall is this area and you don't need to feel ashamed about it, that way people will feel more comfortable to discuss it openly which is the real key that will help them win this battle. Anyway maybe that's just from my perspective as I didn't feel comfortable at all opening this topic with any of my Rabbis.

A couple nice ideas I heard on the Parsha.

על פי ה' יחנו ועל פי ה' יסעו

How come Hashem in the dessert didn't tell Am Yisrael each place they stopped how long they would be there for, some places they could be for just one day and others they would be for years. The Ramban says that this was especially difficult because some of the places were really hard places to stay at for a long period of time, but nonetheless they would stay there because that's what Hashem commanded them. On the other hand some of the places were places that they wanted to stay for a long time and they unpacked all of their stuff and suddenly in the morning they were told that they needed to get packing. So why couldn't Hashem tell them in advance how long they would be in each location for? The answer is that Hashem wanted Am Yisrael to 'grow up' knowing exactly this, sometimes they enjoyed where they are and sometimes not as much, but the main thing for Am Yisrael is that they're doing what Hashem commands them and that's what is important. This idea is also implemented in the Gemara in Shabbos and in Eruvin, the Gemara says even though the Mishkan was Aray (temporary), because of the fact that they were always going on all their journeys in the dessert based upon Hashem's commandment, therefore it is considered Keva (permanent). I think this idea is also important for us in our own battles, sometimes we have ups and sometimes we have downs, sometimes we wish we didn't even have these battles. But we need to have in mind that Hashem is the one in control, he is our Ogen (anchor) in life and as long as we're always trying to work on ourselves, despite the falls, we're considered Keva and not Aray.

Second idea. Hashem comforts Aharon by telling him that his part in the Mishkan is greater than that of the Nisi'im. One of the explanations why the Avodah of the Menorah is considered greater than the Korbanot of the Nisi'im is because it was done every single day. It's easy to get excited about something special like Hakamat Hamishkan that everyone was waiting for but it's a lot harder to get excited about the things we do every day that become part of our routine. Aharon was able to do the Avodah of the Menorah everyday with the same excitement as if it was the Hakamat Hamishkan. This is also something we need to look at with our battles, we need to be happy about every day that we succeed and not just celebrate the big milestones.

שבוע טוב!

BH clean for 12 days. As I mentioned I've already gone clean for 5 months and also over a year in the past so therefore my first goal right now is getting to 6 months. I will still try to post here occasionally though as I think it will help me on my journey.

Also been trying to cut down on use of media in general (radio and news), that had been going well, was only listening to a brief summary of the news once or twice a day. Unteil Thurdsday night (the attack on Iran) since then I've been checking the news constantly…

After reading through the forum a bit one of my main thoughts in terms of chinuch has been how important it is for our children our talmidim to feel completely comfortable to talk to us about this. I think this really for most could be the most helpful thing there is, having someone to talk with freely about their battles. In most yeshiva I think this topic is for sure mentioned, about the importance of this battle, etc… But nobody ever talks about how anyone struggling with this battle doesn't need to feel like all of their other Avodat Hasehm is worthless, how this is only one aspect of our Avodat Hashem. I think the more it's talked about in the public shiurim how many people fall is this area and you don't need to feel ashamed about it, that way people will feel more comfortable to discuss it openly which is the real key that will help them win this battle. Anyway maybe that's just from my perspective as I didn't feel comfortable at all opening this topic with any of my Rabbis.

A couple nice ideas I heard on the Parsha.

על פי ה' יחנו ועל פי ה' יסעו

How come Hashem in the dessert didn't tell Am Yisrael each place they stopped how long they would be there for, some places they could be for just one day and others they would be for years. The Ramban says that this was especially difficult because some of the places were really hard places to stay at for a long period of time, but nonetheless they would stay there because that's what Hashem commanded them. On the other hand some of the places were places that they wanted to stay for a long time and they unpacked all of their stuff and suddenly in the morning they were told that they needed to get packing. So why couldn't Hashem tell them in advance how long they would be in each location for? The answer is that Hashem wanted Am Yisrael to 'grow up' knowing exactly this, sometimes they enjoyed where they are and sometimes not as much, but the main thing for Am Yisrael is that they're doing what Hashem commands them and that's what is important. This idea is also implemented in the Gemara in Shabbos and in Eruvin, the Gemara says even though the Mishkan was Aray (temporary), because of the fact that they were always going on all their journeys in the dessert based upon Hashem's commandment, therefore it is considered Keva (permanent). I think this idea is also important for us in our own battles, sometimes we have ups and sometimes we have downs, sometimes we wish we didn't even have these battles. But we need to have in mind that Hashem is the one in control, he is our Ogen (anchor) in life and as long as we're always trying to work on ourselves, despite the falls, we're considered Keva and not Aray.

Second idea. Hashem comforts Aharon by telling him that his part in the Mishkan is greater than that of the Nisi'im. One of the explanations why the Avodah of the Menorah is considered greater than the Korbanot of the Nisi'im is because it was done every single day. It's easy to get excited about something special like Hakamat Hamishkan that everyone was waiting for but it's a lot harder to get excited about the things we do every day that become part of our routine. Aharon was able to do the Avodah of the Menorah everyday with the same excitement as if it was the Hakamat Hamishkan. This is also something we need to look at with our battles, we need to be happy about every day that we succeed and not just celebrate the big milestones.

Shavua Tov!
BH 25 days clean. A few very mild urges that quickly got pushed out the door. This time feels different than other times, I feel like this time I'm really past my last time falling IYH. This time I'm also putting a lot more though into it and have reached out here.
What's been working for me so far is not using any unfiltered devices at all. Including my wife's. My kabbalah was that if there is something that for some reason I would only be able to do on my wife's phone I would first email my acountability partner before I go on and as soon as I get off. So far that hasn't happened. There have been 2-3 times when I was out with my wife and she asked me to check something for her on her phone, but it was something that literaly took only a few seconds (checking the bank, sending a message to someone for her while she's driving). Also spoke to my wife about filtering her phone (which I anyway want for the kids to not be around an unfiltered device, which was how I asked her about it), BH she said she's open to the idea, hopefuly it will happen sooner than later.
I've also in general been working more on shmiras haeynayim, not that I wasn't working on it before but reading around on the forum refreshed my awareness of that battle as well. Making sure not to take that second look, etc...
Also been trying to work on general use of media, trying to only listen to a brief recap of the news twice a day (mostly succesful) and only check whatsapp messaged once in a few hours (a little less succesful but improving). Been listening to Rabbi Shafier's series 'The Fight', one of the things he says is that part of the battle is working on overall spirituality, improving in other areas of Avodat Hashem, this is something that also helps out the battle of lust.

Was talking to a friend on Rosh Chodesh about הלל. Suddenly I brought up a question, why in the middle of הלל when we're praising Hashem out of nowhere we say אנא ה' הושיעה נא, אנא ה' הצליחה נא? Then suddenly I thought of an answer (הוא מותיב לה והוא מפרק לה), even when we're at a state of highness, where all we are doing is praising Hashem, we can't forget that we still have yet to arrive אל המנוחה ואל הנחלה. There's stiil a lot to work on! Don't feel like you've already gone all the way and there are no more aspirations. Later that day I heard a very similair idea from רב אשר וויס שליט"א, it says in the Mishna in ברכות, that נותן הודאה על שעבר וצועק על העתיד. He explained that there are two different things here, sometimes one is in a state of הודאה, someone just won the lottery or for some other reason is thanking Hashem, even in that state don't forget that we don't know what will be tomorrow, daven to Hashem that tomorrow things keep going well, don't forget about davening to Hashem about the future because of the past. The second part is that sometimes one is in a state of צועק על העתיד, someone is going through a tough time, he ח"ו has a disease that he needs to daven for to get better, don't forget about all the kindness Hashed brought upon you in the past!

I think this is a really strong message that we can also take with us in our battle. Even when we're on a clean streak and things are going well, don't let you guard down! Keep working on yourself. On the other hand when we're going through tough times after a fall, look back on your past! You just came off a long clean streak! Or look at all the other good things you've been doing!

בהצלחה!