grant400 wrote on 08 Apr 2025 23:35:

Welcome back!!!!!

Oh Holy General, please return to guide your troops into battle as in days of yore!!!!

I'm honored to have the great Grant comment on my thread.
I've been exposed to CBT practitioners since I was young. What was always lacking was my motivation and sense of self to really believe in the change that was needed and do the work.
BH through extensive therapy and work I have upgraded my standard of self-care to being clean and keeping track of being clean. 
I'm davening to Hashem that this Pesach should be the beginning of a new Aliya in me taking better care of myself on a new level and working on things like anxiety.
Wishing everyone here meaningful experience of their innate freedom this Pesach, no matter in what bondage they seem to find themselves. May we be all be able to envision what freedom we seek to get to, and may we be more free to pursue our destiny than we could ever imagine.
יגל לבי בישועתך אשירה לה' כי גמל עלי

An inspiring thought I heard from Reb Shimon Spitzer that I want to take with me from Pesach.
When we are in any kind of constriction or Galus it is of course divinely orchestrated.
There is a subtle choice however, in what we do with this information.
Sometimes one may think his job is to stay in this situation and put up with it.
The answer to this is that when a Yid is in a situation that is weighing down on him and he can't serve Hashem beSimcha, Hashem certainly wants him to come out of this situation. The Shechinah itself is in in exile and in Tzaar with this Jew, because Hashem's presence cannot be fully manifested through him in this state.
So part of being open to redemption is working to not make ourselves a permanent residence in whatever transitory stage of Egypt we are in, working on our relationship with Hashem from whevrver we are and at the same time doing what we can to get out of this situation.

Thanks for sharing on my post I resonate with lots of what u said except for 89 days and I love my dad (and 4th grade Rebbi was ok) but I have been a victimized by two other people creating massive anxiety and P&M issues that I have never gotten over. I have had a 35-day streak in the summer and recently 19 but the demons always come back. The war here has not helped at all the last 18 months but it is what it is. I wish I had the magic answer but its always the same vicious cycle.  

I lived in the vicious cycle for many years. It feels inescapable, but I assure you that with the right work it is very attainable.
It sounds like you have been through a lot. Being victimized can have far reaching effects. Kol hakavod for fighting!
Have you looked into getting professional help to deal with your life experiences?

Yes I have but not in many years. Loads of money and mostly unhelpful.

PaulONeill21 wrote on 21 Apr 2025 17:34:

Im sorry to hear about your negative therapy experience. I did my fair share of unhelpful therapy too. 
Have you reached out to any of the amazing mentors here? Thats a great first step.

I have been it touch with someone from GYE a real Tzadik but I have not taken the step to speak with him by phone, I'm just not there yet. 

A post on a different thread asking if it would be helpful to stop going to Mikva brought up so much for me.

At the beginning of my struggle I would run to the Mikva right away and feel subhuman until I did so. I continued this for many years. At the same time, the Mikva can be a triggering place for many reasons (SSA, Shower etc). I ended up deciding the subhuman feeling was obsessive because I felt it was forcing me to trigger myself. Even when this was less of a challenge, the Mikva for me became a part of the vicious cycle of M and P+M. It was a place of frustration, not of rebirth.



I stopped going. Nearly totally.



Now I go sometimes, but I don't feel the "need" to go, and rarely feel "cleansed" after going. 

For me this comes back to a more general question of how on experiences life. For me, in the thick of my P+M, it was extreme ups and downs.

Part of my journey has been to surrender to not having that kind of up that leaves me unable to integrate it into my life and therefore "crash landing". Also surrendering to doing the work and not trying to solve my issue through "spiritual" means.

I'm slowly rediscovering how to be inspired in a healthy way. I think it's fine for Mikva to be just like Davening, sometimes it's more inspiring than other times. I just wished I believed in it like Davening and did it more often...

I am familiar with the unhealthy feelings that can accompany P&M and Mikvah. It comes from having an unhealthy attitude toward our struggles. We should feel privileged to have our struggles instead of having the negative emotions about them that we are fed by the Yetzer Hora and unhealthy education. The book TBOTG can help a lot with this.

Been feeling very down. Alot of turmoil in life right now.
I am trying to remind myself that I deserve giving myself credit and appreciating my growth even if some painful wounds have been uncovered. In the past I would never been able to get through half of this and stay clean.
Hashem please help me appreciate the immense gifts you have given me and believe that great things will come from this transitory stage.

I recently had the immense privilege of meeting one of you in person. My frosty exterior hid my heart that was simultaneously overflowing with warmth and really insecure... What a blessing it is to not be alone in this fight.

Alot of emotional turmoil lately. Progress feels very slow. Deep down I know things are moving. Real things. 
Patience.
Hashem please help me be patient.

Yesterday I had the incredible zchus of meeting a giant- vekham. Im not very good at poetry or the like, but regular words certainly wont do justice... Il share my notes here, maybe it will be of use to someone. Il try to add as i recall more. I hope and pray to properly utilize these incredible gifts from such an open heart.



Power, heart.

Strength, yearning.

Resolute, learning.



God, father.

Master, helper.

Love, always.



Clean, today.

Destination, connection.

Focused forward motion.



Prayer, available.

Validation, unconditional.

Humility, must.



You are enough.

No need to bluff.

Welcome home to the real world.

The zchus was mine. You are uniquely talented and you captured so much in your post that contains incredible depth
. וימלא ה׳ כל משאלות לבך לטובה

wishing you tremendous continued success 
vehkam