Hi, I'm Alex.
I'm a incurable overthinker and I never feel like I express myself adequately, so I have been delaying from introducing myself.
I started struggling with P&M 12 years ago. I had been fixated on women in an extreme way from puberty.
Recently, what worked for me was [my angel and tzadik of a therapist] focusing on everything else in my life other than P&M. Im 6+ years into meaningful therapy and I have much work before me.
I have been working to break free since before I had a P&M issue. There is plenty else in life to break free from.
I firmly believe that many who struggle don't have a P&M issue, they have a Dad issue, or a 4th grade Rebbi issue, or myriad other life challenges that make them vulnerable to P&M.
Recently, after a fairly rare fall, I felt that I reached enough health in my life to get my P&M under more tight control than it had been. I'm married with kids BH and I owe it to my wife, my kids and myself:
a. To be clean
b. To be able to carry myself as an upstanding individual
c. To be as emotionally available as possible for them and as least self absorbed as possible
I remembered GYE from years back, I had opened a link about something with a rubber band and it seemed so superficial to me I had never revisited.
But a quick Google and wow! A forum? A place to waste time and trade ideas? Sign me up!
But then I see the whole set up with the three circles, action plan and 90 day goal.
Could I make it? Surely it was too long a period for something to not come and knock me out of equilibrium.
My triggers are not seeing attractive or scantily clad women or men.
My trigger is extreme emotional pain and deep feelings of loneliness, low self worth, being undesired and rejected.
I decided to start and set a goal of 70 days. That felt more manageable.
Here I am 89 days later. It wasn't a easy 89 days. Some painful health issues have come up, and there was some intense emotional upheaval. But with support of the many wonderful people here, Im alive and kicking.
One of my greatest challenges is celebrating, giving myself credit for my wins and feeling a sense of achievement.
Thank you everyone here, each of you is an inspiration. Thank you to everyone I have been in touch with, spoken to, texted, and emailed. You time and care is the most priceless gift you could give.
The existence of such a forum and the time, effort and care put in to it by all the amazing mentors and members is a mighty testament to ה ימלוך לעולם ועד. In this mad world of depravity, immorality, and twisted liberal values playing on humanity's most base desires, here is a group of people united in their quest to live as Hashem wants and bring up their children that way too, even when it's the most uphill battle.
The power of this forum is twofold.
One is the platform to hear about the struggles and successes of others and for the deep realization I'm really not alone to sink in. The camaraderie, jokes, encouragement and deep discussion are incredible and provide invaluable support.
The second aspect is the incredible opportunity to reach out to and receive from the most caring validating accepting mentors. You do not get this opportunity anywhere else on the planet and I think many don't realize what this can do for you.
Thank you Hashem for 90 clean days. Every day is a gift. Please help me appreciate each gift and love you back a fraction of what you love me. Please help me and everyone here grow into better more connected people.
Lechaim!
A gut shabbos and a gut chodesh!

Welcome!!
What a great post! If this is your first one (in this thread anyway) I can not wait to see more!

I miss Joe Biden's ugly press secretary.
Even when i quickly tap to the next Kol Haolam status when the current one comes up it just feels bad to have that in my world.

alex94 wrote on 02 Apr 2025 07:20:

I know, right? 
I used to have the gentech filter on my phone which allows the fox news app and it was terrible for me. I would watch all day. Now I have tecloq which doesn't allow that app and I feel liberated. 

I cant read any news sites anymore, i anyhow read only headlines. I used to do Drudge but its so dirty. Now i just stick to kol halom and amit segal basically.

i dont know i was clean for 21 days and then , i fell again and and now i am still down hill.... its crazy!!!!!!!! i think its over its done for me i cant help it, thats it it is what it is.

shulem25 wrote on 04 Apr 2025 14:52:

Shalom Brother Shulem,

I'm sorry to hear that you fell but 21 clean days is 21/22 = over 95%. It may feel like 0 after a fall, but try to hang in there and not give up.

Modeh Ani - if you woke up with a soul then you have a goal.

Perhaps starting your own thread would be a good idea? We'd love to be there for you on your journey to kedusha, freedom, and living.

Kol Tov

shulem25 wrote on 04 Apr 2025 14:52:

My hearing is definitely not what it used to be.
I listen to music way too loud in the car. My wife constantly complains that she says things and I don't hear her.
That may or may not be due to the loud music, but in any case I didn't hear the fat lady sing.

shulem25 wrote on 04 Apr 2025 14:52:

Shulem, I struggled for years with at least daily falls. 21 days would have been a dream come true. Even years later when 21 days was attainable, i still had falls all the time, even after a few months or a half year clean.

Every clean day is a gift. Treasure them and focus on them as hard as it is in the shadow of lust, and bezH you will gain more clarity and strength. Looking forward to hearing from you on your own thread! 

I posted on another thread that the best thing that ever happened to me was my wife pushing back.

I had a long talk with an old friend on Friday who seems to be going through somewhat similar shalom bayis challenges with some other serious life challenges thrown in for good measure. I was at a loss where to refer him to get help to explore his issues. I am very blessed to have found an amazing therapist but not relevant for my friend. 

The cost and courage it takes to open up to somebody leave a very small margin for error. I felt my friend's isolation and fear of vulnerability and it hurts that I can't help him. Its hard to make peace with the fact that people have to want to help themselves enough to take those scary steps and that no one can do it for them.

What about local organizations, maybe there is a way he can see a therapist for free or highly subsidized?

Not a great chance of that happening in the Israeli [lack of] community, and if it did happen I wouldnt give any random therapist a great chance of success.
Most of all, noone can serve it on a plate to him, its his work that he needs to be motivated to pursue.

100 days. Clink clink.
I wish i could deal with anxiety and fear like with lust.
Dont fight it, look it in the eye, say "I know you" (that means: I know you like trying to make me feel like the word will end if you dont get what you want, but we both know its just a show) and keep on moving.
Thank you Hashem.
Please help me grow.

alex94 wrote on 08 Apr 2025 22:24:

CBT...

Especially ACT.