This is my first time posting on this forum and I’m not sure if I’m posting this in the right place but here goes.
I’ve been struggling with P and M for the past few years. I used gye two years ago for a few months and then I stopped. I recently joined again and decided I would be clean for thirty days and I was hoping that this would help me find a shidduch. My previous longest streak was two weeks.
I closed all the gaps I had in my filter and I really tried very hard to stay clean. After a little over two weeks a shidduch came up and it was the most serious one in a long time. I felt this was in the zechus of me keeping clean for the longest streak ever. Then they said no. I was a little down for a few days but I felt no urge at all to act out.
A few days ago I had to get a new device and I took it straight to the gentech store to have it filtered. I didn’t even turn it on at home.
Then today while using the device I found a loophole in the filter. I watched some things I’m ashamed of for a few minutes and then said to myself, “no I’m committed to thirty days!” So I closed my device, and went to learn in shul with a friend.
On the way home I called gentech and told them about the issue and they said they fixed it. I checked when I got home and it was not fixed so they told me it would take some time for the new settings to apply. I waited a few hours and it was still working. Eventually I broke and lost my longest streak ever. I even skipped minyan so I could watch P.
Afterwards I davened Mincha in my bedroom and I cried. I honestly don’t remember the last time I cried.
I’m honestly more mad at God than myself, He knew I was trying to get to thirty days and I’m sure He saw how hard I was trying, so why did He have to mess me up? Why did he have to tempt me with something He knew I would fail?
I don’t even know why I wrote this, I just felt I had to. I’m not even looking for advice, I’m just venting. If you’re still reading I’m sorry for wasting your time.

Shalom Brother Shmitchik,

Just wanted to let you know that I read and appreciated the honesty in your post.

Kol Tov

Raw emotion.

i hear you brother and I feal your pain.
i relate all to well to the smiling minyan thing to watch, its a fealing of like, if im watching p. Then I don’t care about g-d right now, and if i dont care why should i daven properly.

Thank you for sharing!

Shmitchik wrote on 14 May 2025 01:45:

You didn't waste my time. I don't think you should doubt yourself for posting on this forum. You have plenty of reason to write and share. You are not alone in your struggle. 

definitely didn’t waste my time. It gives me comfort knowing I’m not alone in how I feel in my struggle, and chizzuk to know I can make it past even 2 days, let alone weeks

Exactly. When I have a strong urge I’ll sometimes convince myself that maybe God doesn’t even exist so I can watch P. It’s crazy how lust is so much more powerful than logic.

Shmitchik wrote on 14 May 2025 01:45:

welcome back.  i am hopeful that this time around you will be able to connect to the chevra and learn some techniques that will help you be successful in this struggle.  Reading through some of the threads of those that have been successful should be helpful as well.

One of the things that has worked for many of the chevra, is to change your perspective on this struggle.  This can be accomplished through reading a book such as "the battle of the generation".  It teaches you to focus on the opportunity and to celebrate every victory  - even if the victory was only pushing off the yetzer hara for a few moments before succumbing.  Every slip or fall should be used as an opportunity to learn more about what needs to be done to prevent those slips and falls from recurring.  They should not be used as a reason to become depressed or to "beat yourself up".  Feeling down about yourself is usually a tactic of the yetzer hara and will not be helpful in the long term, no matter how convincing those thoughts might be.  

You write that lust is more powerful than logic.  This is a fact that has been proven many times over.  You can, however, with hashem's help develop a passion to serve hashem that is even more powerful than lust.  i hope that you will stick around here and learn to develop that passion.

Wishing you a lifetime of success,
vehkam