Hello, I want to speak to today because I think that it would be a good thing to speak about me, my story and all what I have to do every day to find my yetser. I am jewish, from israel. I am married and I am very happy, G give me every thing, really and I see him in all my life. When people saw me they saw someone who love the limoud, who have a grate work, who can do every thing in his life and all that it s true, but beside that there are another me. I don't like to say that, because it's not me I am not definide by that and the truth is that during a long long time I thank that yes. But I write a lot without say anithing. The truth is that during years I think that I was Homosexual. it was hard, I didn't wanted that. I wanted kids, I wanted to be a good jewish, and I was in love with G, and yet deep down I knew the truth and that truth was that I was homosexual. I didn't dare talk about it, I went to the yechiva and everyone there talked about how difficult it was to resist one's yetser ara, but my yetser ara was men, the same ones who masturbate, imagining them doing it made me want to, I kept talking to them but I was lying to myself and everyone else. I'll even tell you, the more I went to the mikve, the crazier I was. Then one day, crying at home, I finally accepted the reality that I was gay. I had to accept it, I had to get rid of this weight. And for a year I had to learn to live with it, to accept this part of me. And after a year I understood something else. I wasn't gay, it wasn't what defined me, I wanted to be defined by something else. I'm a religious Jew who came into this world to fix a lot of things, including this mida, because it's only a mida, I'm not really gay, it shouldn't be what defines me, it's much too simplistic. Human beings are too complex to be defined by their sexual orientation alone. Then I said to myself that it was G who gave me this yetser because that's all it is. D made me like this, and D asked me to make pirya ourvou so I had to get married and I made chidouchim. After a while I found the right girl. Falling in love at first sight - a fairytale! But obviously there was a problem: the wedding night, how I was going to feel on the night. Yes, I loved him, but that didn't change my nature, because all my life I'd only been attracted to men. In short, I did it anyway and trusted D. Of course at first it was complicated, I hadn't told him and I still haven't told him today, but in short it was very complicated at first I thought it would never work and then I understood that in fact it was normal to be stressed, and that's why I can define myself as a human being and that's true but as a gay man it's false and yes there are things that don't work but I shouldn't put that back as the cause/ Anyway I finally succeeded and now I'm in love with my wife like never before and I'm obviously attracted to her enormously and in fact I just refused reality to rewrite it according to what G wanted. I think I've done that anyway, I don't know. Today I feel happy and yet I still have temptations, both gay and straight (yes I've become bi so it's twice as complicated) what's terrible is that the woman part I don't want to see because I'm too much in love with my wife and I don't want to have the impression that I'm cheating on her by looking at someone other than her, but the man part well that's okay.
Actually yes it's serious. I have to fight my yetser ara every day and I feel the temptation to reconsider myself like everyone else, a great tzaddik who goes to the mikve, but that would be stupid. Anyway, I wanted to recount my story to get it off my chest. I think everyone should write, it allows you to accept your past and use it to build your future. I would never have dared to do it but it's anonymous so I dare for once.
