Hello all. 
I can’t believe I’m here. 
I visited a male P. tonight - the second time in my life. But I’m a frum Baal Haboss. I have a wife and children. I’m successful financially and friends and everything. I’ve got nothing missing in my life BH. I’ve even got a married child. I learn once or twice a day and have a pretty good name in the community. I give $100k plus to tzeddoka annually. 
So why?
I’m so lost and confused and disgusted and disappointed- I don’t know how to handle this. 
For the record, I’ve never been oiver M”Z. But close enough. Been MZ”L together with the male P.
I’m lost and lonely and worried for the future. 
I was brought here by chance. I hope it’s a successful journey. 
I’m signing off but wow, I’m feeing low. 

I think it is worth reaching out to the main mentor Hashem Help Me at michelgelner@gmail.com. I also landed here by chance through a Google search. It ended up being the best starting point in my life. There is hope on GYE. Every struggle is unique but there are similarities between different people's struggles. Have you acted out with other boys or men aside for this person?

Oish, that hurts. 
Welcome. This is a place where hope lives. 
So many people have found their way here, confused and in pain, not sure how they can go on, with secrets and hopelessness and guilt and fear and just not knowing how to bear the burden of their secrets. So many people thought they could never get out of the cycle of falling.
And they found hope here. The hope of breaking free, of learning new ways to live.
Here they found friends who understand, who have been worse off than they, who have succeeded in breaking free. They learned wisdom and life lessons. They learned ways of growing and new ways to deal with old problems. They discovered they could be who they always wanted to be. 
You can too.
There are many doors open to you. 

Stick around, friend. Learn the ropes, read some threads. Post a little. We're looking forward to getting to know you better. 
When you feel ready, reach out to some of the special mentors here. 

Here's a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen 

Welcome Brother!
Everyone is unique and everyone has different circumstances. But like the others said, there is hope. I myself am also married with kids and a successful life BH, and yet have been suffering with this area for years and years. Like yitzchokm said, definitely reach out to Hashem Help Me at michelgelner@gmail.com. Hes trustworthy and confidential. 
Rooting for you, you got this buddy!

Thank you for responding. 
I don’t want to elaborate too much in case it is triggering to others.
I had trouble in Yeshiva and got married early. But that was relatively minor stuff, through clothes and over quickly. 
I’ve always struggled with P and M and generally have it under control. But to have fallen to this level where I’m physically active with a live undressed person was such a shock. 
I’ve got so much in my life and yet feel like I’m throwing it all away. For no good reason.
This man is the only one. I’ve now blocked him on WhatsApp and will revisit the protection on my phone so that I can’t find details. 
I can’t believe I’m typing all of this when my wife is just 2 meters away. 

Blocking the whatsapp and access is a great first step.
But burying this specific episode in the past as an isolated incident and moving on may not be the wisest course. After all, if this episode just took place, you may not have your lust issue as "under control" as you have thought...

You came here tonight and used the shock and grief that you're now experiencing as a springboard to reach out and start posting! That's a huge first step towards a whole new life of freedom. I'll echo what my friends are suggesting, take the next step and reach out to a mentor, when you're ready... 

You deserve to taste what life can be like without this problem. 
  

The first lesson of GYE is that you are shocking. Shockingly normal that is.

I guarantee you that there is someone on here who's struggled in the exact same way. But besides that. What you learn on GYE is that there are so many good, frum, righteous, people who are just like you and they also struggle with lust driving them to do things that just don't make sense.

Not to say that is a good thing. But it's a normal thing.

And the second and perhaps the greatest lesson is that those people who are just like you were able to get help and to stop doing those things.

Welcome! Stick around, post, connect, reach out, get honest, get help, get real, and get clean. Hatzlacha and keep on truckin'!!

Dear choshuveh tayerih baalhabos! welcome! I feel for you, here you are a very successful good person bh, and you have no clue why in the world you are doing this! here's the news dear buddy, in todays world it doesn't take much to act out, it's a inborn desire which if we don't wire it correctly it makes so much sense that we will act on it each in their own way, nebach for some this does mean in person........ so you are a very normal and regular good great person who does many great things with their life, and yes you also have a struggle with these inyanim.

Here's the good news, it's not that hard to get past it! really! many people have bh moved past it! please do yourself a favor and reach out to some of the great mentors here.

p.s. @eerie is great!!!

wishing you success in this as well, all the best from the mir.

Chance? I’m so curious as to what was the incredible hasgacha pratis that brought you here.

My opinion is that Hashem loves you and is showing you a light to the end of the tunnel! I myself haven’t reached that light but it’s really nice to be part of this community. No judgement, no shame; just love, and encouragement. One would think that would help with the aspect of loneliness right?

Welcome! You're feeling down and in a low place, because you can't believe you fell so low. But that's the best time to make changes in your life, and fully become the person you want to be. (Though it looks like from your post that you are already close to there, other than this area, so that's why I say "fully." )

Try strengthening yourself with these great free resources:

1) The Battle of the Generation: a sensational free ebook that seriously gets you excited to fight and win this fight. It's a real game-changer.

2) The Fight: an incredible audio series from Rabbi Shafier.

Links are below in my signature. Wishing you much success!

chaimoigen wrote on 18 Apr 2025 00:53:

Baalhabass, You currently feel so disgusting that you are certain you will never fall again. You feel you posted on GYE so you are safe, good to go and it's all in the past now...

Please don't fall into that trap. Like Chaim Oigen wrote. Now is the time to make some real uncomfortable moves to prevent an even more painful ending.

Please reach out to user Hashem Help Me. You can call anonymously. It's intimidating - only until you hear his voice. Push yourself. 

Do it for your wife and your kids.

Most of all, do it for you.

Hi, just want to say welcome and offer a warm and loving hug! I also felt very disgusted with myself when I first joined but B"H have come a long way. I feel like I don't have a good enough picture of your situation in order to offer any advice other than to echo what others here have wrote, reach out to HHM and talk to him, allow him to get a better idea of your situation and hopefully he can guide you. 
Some things to think about which may be helpful:
You mentioned that you were never MZL, and that you twice visited a male pros. but also that you did struggle with P and M. it would be good to get a better idea of your overall history with struggling with lust and generally escape methods. Are you often lusting and objectifying men and women? When was the last time you found yourself unable to stop watching P and masturbating? What were some of the things which led to visiting this pros? and how quickly did it escalate?
I apologize if these questions are hurtful to think about, I believe they will be helpful to you to be able to share with whomever you talk to for guidance (whether HHM or a trained sex addiction therapist).
Lastly, you are not a bad person because of this, you sound like a wonderful person who struggles in this area which has a lot of shame attached to it, but you want to do better, which is basically the point of life, to do better. So in my book you are a good person!
Hatzlachah feel free to reach out and look around the forums to see other peoples miraculous journeys.

Wow, what pain and shame in your posts........... Brother, I've been there too...... Everyone's struggles may vary in flavor and frequency, but the root is the same... I join with Chaim Oigen and Grant in cautioning you, Please don't think this is under control!! Yes, you now feel disgusted and shocked, but that will wear off.... You then can unlock whatsapp and the cycle repeats, only this time it's not as shocking.....

I can speak to this with confidence, because my life and struggles progressed in exactly the same way..............

Reach out to a mentor (HHM saved my life: michelgelner@gmail.com) and though uncomfortable, know that they are the most understanding and compassionate group of people out there.....

With best wishes for sustained success in this battle,
Muttel

Please let us know which additional steps you are ready to take now aside for having blocked this person on WhatsApp. It is worth reading through some threads so that you see that you are not alone. The third video in the Flight to Freedom program teaches to differentiate between who you are and where you are. It is true that you have struggles but rather than allowing your struggles to define you, you would be better off acknowledging that they contradict who you really are.

There probably are situations, feelings and thoughts that are triggering you to act out which you will learn to identify over time. Once you identify your triggers you can address them directly either through tools in the toolbox or through discussing them with a mentor.

There were many people in your situation or worse who have broken free. It takes sincere work to break free but you will eventually get there. Keep on posting and sharing and continue growing together with us.

baalhaboss wrote on 17 Apr 2025 22:08:

There are trained sex addiction therapists who specialize in helping you understand yourself and helping you learn how to prevent such behaviors.  Since you can afford such therapy it will probably be the best money you ever spent.   It is hard to get in to the top therapists but perseverance will pay off.  Feel free to send me a message if you want more information on this.  Wishing you tremendous hatzlocha 

vehkam