Hello fellow warriors. I've been a lurker for quite some time and have gotten so much chizuk from your stories. I am in awe of some of your battles and your wins. I finally got the courage to put things into writing, albeit to strangers, I've never told anyone else. Not sure what my end goal is. Maybe just unload a burden, perhaps leaving it somewhere so one day I can look back on it, or maybe something else.

I am a P & M addict for I would say around 25+ years now. When I came to that realization I was shocked, depressed, sad, ashamed, and many other emotions we all go through. In all honesty I never thought of P & M as a big deal, it was just something I did. For me, my only struggle is  P & M. Sometimes multiple times a day. I guess I am "lucky" that I have never had urges to take things further to involve other places, people, risky behaviors, etc. My brain just wants to reach the final goal. 

I can pinpoint the moment all this started to when I was probably 13-14 years old. Although growing up it never bothered me and I never even thought about it, and to be honest it still doesnt bother me nor do I feel like a victim, I now realize I was molested by a young housekeeper, yemach shema, my parents employed at the time. This is going back to the 90s. She was definitely responsible for introducing me to P you could watch on TV back in the day, while playing those programs she did stuff to me further introducing me to MZL, details are murky in my mind but this went on for some time until she was finally let go about 1 year later. She would do stuff to me as often as she could while being home alone. In my young kid mind, it was fine, I guess the pleasurable feeling was there, so I didn't think much of it but the desire to replicate the feeling has never left me since. Before these events I was a real good kid, I had no idea about anything related to these topics, I was naive, shy, and I didnt even talk to girls even while attending co-ed schools. Nobody in this world knows this about my life, not my parents not my loving wife.

So what changed after such a long time? Why do I want to conquer this monster? Well pretty much all my life I have been blessed with everything  a person can want. I always felt super close to Hashem, always had things go the "easy way" for me, well liked, did good in school, went to the right schools and colleges, married the most wonderful girl, have amazing kids, had an amazing parnasa, bottom line I knew and felt Hashem with me every step of the way. A few years ago my parnasa started drying up out of the blue to the point that it is now almost nonexistent. For the first time in my life I was struggling. I was confused, angry. I started searching and came across places that mention MZL and Pgam Habris lead people to poverty. Suddenly things clicked for me. I used this discovery to place blame on what was going on and wanting to change so hopefully I could reverse my mazal. Of course I understand that even if I win things may never go back to what they were. I want to be clean just to be clean. The rest is not up to me.

It has been a few years since I decided to change, try to control my urges, but ultimately fail. Month after month, year after year, business gets worse.  Of course in my mind I say, for 20+ years you didnt know it was bad so its almost like hashem gave me a pass all those years, now that I know it is bad it feels like the free pass is gone and nothing will ever change unless I conquer this disease. This puts me into states of crazy sadness, feelings of depression, lots of drinking just to escape my current reality. Some days I feel there is simply no hope for me. For 25+ years I have acted out almost daily, how can someone like that ever make a comeback, how can Hashem forgive that. I've gone through periods where I dont even daven as it all feels hopeless, then the shame comes all over again at the thought that I am getting even further away from hashem. The feelings of being a failure to my family are with me 24/7, perhaps they are struggling due to my financial situation just because I cannot get a handle on myself, the thoughts of my sweet wife if she ever found out how bad my current state is has brought me to all out crying more than once. She is the true definition of an aishes chayil. She doesnt deserve this in her life.

Anyways, very recently I committed myself to try really hard, hardest I've ever tried before. Minyan 3 times a day, some learning, working on emuna and bitachon, trying to make myself into a "kli" fit to receive blessings. For now I am 8 days clean. The struggle is real. When an urge hits I open GYE and just read the boards.

Hopefully I get some chizuk, hopefully I conquer this monster!

apashuteyid wrote on 08 Apr 2025 16:30:

My friend, my heart hurts for you, reading and feeling your deep pain!
I bolded a few parts of your post, tryin' to bring out a discrepancy in your words.
I think it is important to think about if you truly want to be clean or not.

Either way...
Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
As you probably know, there are many tools here to help you in this fight. 
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program (click here for an explanation of what the vaad is), and the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframin' the struggle, as you mentioned.
Posting is a great way to connect, learn, and grow also. 
(The Hall of Fame Thread is a great compilation of some the great threads on GYE.)

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com.
Some of the other great guys here are Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com,   Reb Akiva - mevakesh247@gmail.com iwantlife - iwantlifegye@proton.me minhamayim - minhamayim1@gmail.com amevakesh - amevakesh23@gmail.com

Keep postin', you'll see, the oilam is here for you.

Lookin' forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Thanks for the welcome!
You are right, it doesnt make sense as written. I need to be more positive. I WILL conquer this monster. I WILL be clean regardless what happens with my mazal.

Welcome,
Unloading is the name of the game.
Do the work, and it works.....
Something can change i our mind and emotions.
Heeling is possible, even after many years.
BTW you are normal (for your struggles), but actually special (for your status), since you are opening up and want to work on yourself.

Welcome! 

Yasher koach for unloading. Sounds like quite a burden you've been shlepping around.

Here's a perspective shift you can try on and see how it feels. Maybe Hashem is limiting your parnasah to give you a chance to come closer to Him, not to punish you for your sins?

Or this one. Maybe you're not such a rasha for struggling with an addiction that was instigated through no fault of your own (literally statutory rape in this case)? Maybe on some level you are more of a tzaddik for keeping on fighting than you are a rasha for losing the battle (but never the war)?

Stick around, post, connect, join a vaad, read the book, get honest, and above all, keep on truckin'!!

First and foremost, you're not alone. So many people reading your words will feel less alone because of you. You've already made a huge impact just by putting this out there. And whats more you wrote it with such honesty, emotion, and clarity.You're not disqualified. You're not dirty. You're not beyond hope. Youre a fighter. You're a Yid. And Hashem still believes in you.you can conquer this.

Have you read the Battle of the Generation?

vehkam wrote on 08 Apr 2025 19:13:

Not yet. Definitely in my immediate to do list

chosemyshem wrote on 08 Apr 2025 18:18:

Thanks for your kind words… as of Rosh Chodesh Nissan that has been the attitude I am trying to go with, use this situation to get closer to Hashem. Honestly some days it feels good, some days when anxiety kicks in I go back into my negative talk.

As for the addiction part that started for no fault of my own, I have shed many tears thinking about what ifs….. what if this didn’t happen, what if this rasha wasn’t in my life, how my life would have been different, how my teenage years would have been different without worrying about my next “dose”. For some time I used it as a rationale to keep doing what felt good, telling myself I didn’t ask for this, that I can’t be punished for something that was forced on me, but of course we can’t use that. I know I have to take responsibility at this stage and fight until the end.