R YOSEF your a legend in the making !!! I'm going to be following your story real closely . For a yid to have such nisyanois at your age ...    my heart bleeds for you.    Chazak stay strong get involved with the oilom here . People that actually really care for you not these zoinas who couldn't give 2 damms about you or your looks or personality whether they pretend they do ....           Stay involved stay in touch 
  looking forward to greeting moshiach together with you arm in arm

No words I can say to express my awe at your amazing gevurah. 
Certainly no words for your incredible honesty to your self!
Please keep inspiring!!!!

Wow, wow, wow!!!!! It looks like GYE has a new hero joining the ranks! UNREAL!!!! 
BPY, you are amazing! Keep doing what you're doing, stay in touch with your mentor, and keep realizing that it is ALL garbage in one way or another. And that your wife is not your only option for this, rather it's a whole different thing, which beH, with all the work you're putting in you'll be zoche to build that up wonderfully
Keep it up and keep inspiring us!!!

I just had a real hard fall. I feel like such a hypocrite. I had all the answers written out and all the right advice in my long essays. 67 days clean. Now back to zero.
I know you're all gonna say it's not zero and whatever, but it doesn't feel that way rn. 
I went back to Target and this time went all out on different dating sites. I just spent three hours and blew $100 chatting with women who are most likely AI robots. I was so sure I was gonna hookup tonight, and wanted to end my shmiras habris story with a bang before turning 21. 
My zman was going so strong until that idea popped into my head. Now I've been ditching chavrusas, coming back late, and my friends are getting suspicious. 
What's worse is random people have my phone number and pictures of me now. I gambled ruining my life for what ended up to just be same old porn and masturbation. 
Davening Mincha on Purim one week ago I promised Hashem I was done with masturbation, and I felt so confident I was finally free. What happened to me? Why did I do this to myself? 
I know I'll wake up tomorrow and brush myself off from the guilt and start again, but I'm no longer so sure how to answer the question of "will I ever be free?"
While all my friends are taking advantage of one of the last Thursday nights of the zman I'm in a parking lot 5 minutes away feeling like a failure and a hypocrite. I should be there with them. 
How did I get sucked into this filth? Who's to say I won't get sucked in again? I can already hear my mind telling me what I did wrong and how I could try again and actually hookup. I know it's wrong, but I want it so bad. 
Just feeling deflated and burnt out from life's challenges.

Ouch! That's gotta be painful. But you know what you've got to do now. It will require a lot strength, but if you can muster up the fight in you to get back in to it, then that's what separates the men from the boys. You're in a very vulnerable position right now, and the YH will tell you that there's no difference between one fall or more. There's no streak anyway, so the heck with it, might as well fall again. But realize, he wants those feelings of despair more that he wants the original fall. If you get back up right away, and stay strong the next couple of days, then You've delivered a knockout punch to his face. Don't worry so much about the future, think about today. Today you've got to be clean. Then tomorrow, you'll tell yourself the same things. We've got faith in you!

Oy oy my friend don't throw in the towel ,  we've been there feeling like chrep after doing well, slowly starting to see light out of this miserable abyss, then BAM WHACK KABOOM were back at it with a fevor we didnt know existed in us even before we started this journey of trying to get clean.   My tayeraeh yedid hang in the feelings will pass you'll get back to reality that yes you are a little stronger and a drop more capable of dealing with this damm yh.       Beshaim hashem naaseh venatsliach !!! We're in this together

My friend!

I know exactly what you feel like. I have been there many times.
I can say it is not true. You are not worthless and the 67 days were and still are huge. But you know that. The problem is you do not feel  that way.
That feeling is totally understandable.

I have nothing to say other then here is a long, compassionate hug. And another one and another............
Imcha Anoichy Btzara.

May there only be good, happy, and fulfilling days ahead.
Good Shabbos

P.S. I still have in mind to call you. I just have been very busy.

benporasyosef wrote on 21 Mar 2025 03:11:

Gam ani maskim l'ha words of encouragement hanal. 

But if you're noticing your acting out is escalating (even if there's breaks in between) and feeling like you're putting yourself in danger, perhaps a call with Dov is in order. I believe his email wequithiding@gmail.com or just message GYE and say you want to discuss with someone if 12 steps may be right for you.

benporasyosef wrote on 21 Mar 2025 03:11:

Call one of the chevra. You can email me too. 

This morning the thought of going back to Target again kept popping up in my mind. My second sedar chavrusa was away today so I could have had the entire afternoon free to pursue my fantasies. For the most part I was able to stay grounded and mindful, and talked myself out of it. However, by Mincha the urge was really strong and I knew there was a very good chance if I went back to my room for a quick nap before sedar I'd end up in my car 3 minutes later. 

So instead I stayed in the beis medrash even though it was technically a break. I learnt about four hours straight by myself. Dinner is about an hour long, but today I gobbled down some food and was back in the beis medrash 20 minutes later. I learnt another three hours straight. 
What by Mincha seemed like was going to turn into a horror story of an afternoon became one of my strongest days of the zman yet. It actually opened my eyes to how much more hasmada I'm capable of, and I'm hoping to be able to keep up the increased learning at least for the last few weeks of the zman. 

I'm still kicking myself for my fall last week, and the urges and images and definitely still there, but I'm already seeing some bright light. I'm very proud of this win, and I'm hoping to use this pride as motivation in future battles.

Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement!

Keep it up!!! we are all routing for you

Wow, impressive!!!!

Great job, way to bounce back!

All I can muster up to say is wow! very relatable situations and that you got out of it the way you did is unbelievable strength!
I've been there done that, and realized that it was all fake, but still continued. It's the struggle of a lifetime, I too hope it gets easier. 
You sound very smart, hopeful and you're a real fighter! 
From my experience getting married is not the answer to your struggles, but it may make it easier 
chances that your future wife knows as much as you is likely Zero percent, and it will be impossible for you to get all you want or you anticipate.
We all need to be re-wired, like you said it's not sex, it's intimacy, being vulnerable forging a real connection, that will make you stronger and hopefully you don't need anything else.
Be strong! and share more! 

I've had a couple falls and victories since my last post. B"H the past three days were clean. Not only were they "clean," but I had a few real victories instead of just white knuckling through. I'll share a couple examples. 

I woke up Sunday morning feeling a strong urge (no trigger, what's pshat?) and immediately used STAR to ground myself and regain clarity. Then I distracted myself by finding a family member to talk with. By the time I went to shachris the urge was gone. 

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. The radio was playing while I was driving and then a song came on and triggered an urge. I caught myself halfway through and switched to an Eitan Katz CD. The urge was gone when I arrived, but I knew I was entering dangerous territory. When I went for my cleaning there was a huge TV in front of my face playing a reality TV show. The whole cleaning was a battle, but I kept my eyes closed for most of it. I spent the time with my eyes closed trying to think of pshat in a Rashi in Kedushin (I got pshat by the end). 
When I walked out I saw one of my Rabbeim in the waiting room. I would have felt embarrassed and guilty if I had just been watching the TV, but instead I felt proud and confident and went over to say hi. 

Just wanna share one last thought which I heard today. Idk if any are familiar with the YouTube channel "Purpose Over Pleasure." For those who feel safe on YouTube / have a good filter, it's an excellent resource. In a video I saw today he posed the question "is acting out a problem or a solution?" We'd all say it's a problem, but he said it's a solution. Psychologically it is a solution to loneliness or stress in that it takes the negative feelings away, at least temporarily. His point was that the unaddressed negative emotions are the problem. Acting out is a reasonable response to those emotions when left unmanaged. We need to work on managing our mental and emotional health better, and that will help take away a lot of the urges. 

I know there's no "magic fix" and I'm not suggesting this is that. I just thought it was an interesting perspective with a practical takeaway. Hope somebody finds it helpful. 

As always, thanks to all for the support.