Hi Moishele,
I just chanced upon this post now, being very late to the party.
[ Disclaimer - It's Motzai YT in EY]
Most thoughts that immediately went through my mind as I was reading through this thread have been written already, or are irrelevant for you to hear, as you must know them already
You've already been told what a BIG person you are, how special it is that you're here trying to break free, and all the common divrei chizzuk given here on the wonderful GYE forum.
All of the above is אמת ויציב.
And you surely know it as well.
What I'm blown away from is your raw honesty, your emotional sensitivity, and your seeming בלבול הדעת in who you really are, after all you've accomplished etc....
I can relate to much of what you've written, though I don't think that I've had the courage to be מפרט all of my desires and escapades over the years, to the extent that you have so courageously shared with us.
I can also relate to the experiences that you went through as a child, the never ceasing message that you're worthless, the explicit or subtle abuse that you underwent (especially by those who were meant to be your emotional anchor's of stability), and the product of such a childhood that is finally given the chance to work things out and understand himself.
I've been on a similar journey over the past few years.
Please allow me to make a few points, which may likely be relevant to many GYE members, but I believe ever so pertinent here after reading your thread.
Point one.
P and M may be the reason that you ended up here, like many of us, but it's not the real core of the issue that we have to deal with.
In the Yeshiva Shprach, it can be coined as a "פועל יוצא" of the real issue.
That being the case, the focus and energy given to the P and M struggle whilst viewing it as the שורש is not only misplaced, it may also likely be wasted and come at the expense of (the limited) energy that we can direct towards dealing with the core issue at place.
Rabosai, forgive me if you think I'm wrong and downplaying the חומר of the נושא, I'd be happy to hear other (solidly based) opinions.
So please do yourself a favor, and stop beating yourself up every time you have a fall, and that your streak comes to an end.
The streak is not a מטרה בפני עצמה, it's an important tool to gauge your growth and where you are in your personal journey, and it must be used wisely, and not detrimentally.
Point two.
Please accept yourself for who you are.
Not for your accomplishments.
Not for you success.
Not for the tens of people who count on you as their lifesaver.
And not based on whatever recognition you do or don't get from your family.
There comes a point in life when people like us who have been abused, shamed, and emotionally deprived and bashed as children, have to go through a process called "self-parenting". We then learn to accept ourselves, even though others haven't, just for who we are without any external accomplishments having to be the reason for acceptance.
We have been working all our lives to gain validation and recognition from our our parents or from others who should be giving us this primal need, but thus far in vain. So it's time to drop that focus, and learn to accept ourselves, even if others have not.
Not yet.
And maybe never will.
Who cares?
Point three
You did not write anywhere how old you are, but based on what you did write, I'm guessing somewhere in your 30's.
Me too.
So you are a product of a few decades of low self esteem, beating yourself up, not being accepted and appreciated, and working your neshama out to gain validation from others.
Please ask yourself -
How long has it taken for me to become what I am today?
I'd venture its been a few decades.
So please don't expect to snap out of it on a whim.
It's bound to take some time to unravel the mess that's become you (and that mess is not your fault) and please give yourself the time necessary to do that.
Much of whats been written here should really have been written to myself, and while I was writing this I was wondering why I didn't write it on my thread?
You can probably relate to the answer that's come to mind.
Cuz I tend to help out and worry for others before myself, a direct result of the product that I've become due to my childhood.
Stifling my own needs and neglecting self care.
Does that sound familiar?
Kol tuv,
We're in this together
SY
