Hi Moishele,

I just chanced upon this post now, being very late to the party.

 [ Disclaimer - It's Motzai YT in EY]

Most thoughts that immediately went through my mind as I was reading through this thread have been written already, or are irrelevant for you to hear, as you must know them already

You've already been told what a BIG person you are, how special it is that you're here trying to break free, and all the common divrei chizzuk given here on the wonderful GYE forum.

All of the above is אמת ויציב. 
And you surely know it as well.

What I'm blown away from is your raw honesty, your emotional sensitivity, and your seeming בלבול הדעת in who you really are, after all you've accomplished etc....

I can relate to much of what you've written, though I don't think that I've had the courage to be מפרט all of my desires and escapades over the years, to the extent that you have so courageously shared with us.

I can also relate to the experiences that you went through as a child, the never ceasing message that you're worthless, the explicit or subtle abuse that you underwent (especially by those who were meant to be your emotional anchor's of stability), and the product of such a childhood that is finally given the chance to work things out and understand himself.

I've been on a similar journey over the past few years. 

Please allow me to make a few points, which may likely be relevant to many GYE members, but I believe ever so pertinent here after reading your thread.

Point one.
P and M may be the reason that you ended up here, like many of us, but it's not the real core of the issue that we have to deal with. 
In the Yeshiva Shprach, it can be coined as a "פועל יוצא" of the real issue.

That being the case, the focus and energy given to the P and M struggle whilst viewing it as the שורש is not only misplaced, it may also likely be wasted and come at the expense of (the limited) energy that we can direct towards dealing with the core issue at place. 

Rabosai, forgive me if you think I'm wrong and downplaying the חומר of the נושא, I'd be happy to hear other (solidly based) opinions.

So please do yourself a favor, and stop beating yourself up every time you have a fall, and that your streak comes to an end. 
The streak is not a מטרה בפני עצמה, it's an important tool to gauge your growth and where you are in your personal journey, and it must be used wisely, and not detrimentally.

Point two.
Please accept yourself for who you are.
Not for your accomplishments.
Not for you success.
Not for the tens of people who count on you as their lifesaver.
And not based on whatever recognition you do or don't get from your family.

There comes a point in life when people like us who have been abused, shamed, and emotionally deprived and bashed as children, have to go through a process called "self-parenting". We then learn to accept ourselves, even though others haven't, just for who we are without any external accomplishments having to be the reason for acceptance.

We have been working all our lives to gain validation and recognition from our our parents or from others who should be giving us this primal need, but thus far in vain. So it's time to drop that focus, and learn to accept ourselves, even if others have not.
Not yet.
And maybe never will.
Who cares?

Point three
You did not write anywhere how old you are, but based on what you did write, I'm guessing somewhere in your 30's.
Me too.

So you are a product of a few decades of low self esteem, beating yourself up, not being accepted and appreciated, and working your neshama out to gain validation from others.

Please ask yourself -
How long has it taken for me to become what I am today?
I'd venture its been a few decades.

So please don't expect to snap out of it on a whim.

It's bound to take some time to unravel the mess that's become you (and that mess is not your fault) and please give yourself the time necessary to do that.

Much of whats been written here should really have been written to myself, and while I was writing this I was wondering why I didn't write it on my thread?

You can probably relate to the answer that's come to mind.
Cuz I tend to help out and worry for others before myself, a direct result of the product that I've become due to my childhood.
Stifling my own needs and neglecting self care.
Does that sound familiar?

Kol tuv,
We're in this together
SY​

Masterpiece!!

Muttel I couldn't agree with you more!!!

As you all know (if you read my thread) I've been going through a lot of pain, my relationship with my parents, which btw on the hand has improved a bit due to us not talking more then 3 times a week and more so not seeing each other in person so often so we both - me and my parents - try as much as we can to keep things cool the few times we do have contact, but on the other hand it has also intensified quite a bit when ever things get heated up and we have a fall out, it's become more hostile then it has ever been before.
Also I'm going through a terrible financial crisis which I see no end in site, and it's only getting worse with new big expenses coming up very often but no income to cover even the minimum expenses that I've had before the new one's.
Over the past week I've been experiencing physical pain as well (besides for the emotional pain till now and those that come along with the physical) topped with more and more physical pain that just keeps on intensifying almost daily and is kind of affecting to some extent my job and day to day life...

Now I'm a believer, I believe in hashem and as I've stated above "even when I yell ouch, doesn't mean I'm upset at him, I yell ouch because the pain hurts but I still believe hashem has only good in mind for me", so I've been thinking a lot "why don't I get upset C"V at him, everything in my life sucks and is only getting worse so why should I not get upset, what can be a valid reason for me to really feel not just a belief that i can't really tap in to that hashem does actually love me and means only my good ?"

After thinking about it a lot, a thought came into my mind yesterday, that yissurim is really supposed to be Kapparas Avonos, and as it looks like, we are now more or less in the very close days of Mashiach, and chaza"l say that every jew has a part of Moishe Rabeinu in him besides for being a chelek elokei mimaal, a jew is a devine spiritual human being that has within him the ability of acheiving the greatness of Moishe Rabeinu to the extent of how much part of Moishe Rabeinu he has within him, you probably won't be the leader of kllal yisrael like he was but there's a part of him in you which if you try to tap into it, you can achieve his level of greatness to best of the ability that "you" can acheive.
Now imagine if Mashiach comes it'll be a time of truth and evryone will see everything there'll be Ruach Hakodesh (without getting into the conversation whether Leusid Lavo will be at a different time), and I'm still far from tapping into my inner Moishe Rabeinu, not only did I not tap into it, just the opposite, I'm full of dirt from p&m and all the other sins I've unfortunately sinned throughout my life, I would feel like a fat ugly filthy muddy cow that stinks, no-one would want to stand anywhere close to me...
So hashem out of love and mercy for me wants to clean the filthy mud off me so I won't be so stinky and ugly, and at the same time I can at least get the message and try to try to tap into my inner Moishe Rabeinu and bring it out to best my ability.

I'm sorry that this is not really about p&m, I just need a place to get my stress out of my system, (and stress can eventually lead me to p&m) and I have no other place that I feel comfortable enough to talk freely about my pain, so thank you for letting me wright out whatever's on my mind.

Thank you @SisonYishecha for your master peice warm and deeply heartfelt post I truly appreciated it and reread it a few times, you have warmed my heart!!!