I B''H REACHED 90 DAYS TODAY FOR MY ROUND 2 HERE IS MY STORY ( sorry for the spelling it's not one of my strong points)my story starts when i was very young I bH come from a amazing family, i remember playing with friends in chader,and in my house ,when i got older i stopped BH ,  i used  to try out sexuiel fantasies on my self on my own/( i am not going to elaborate for various reasons if you think you could help me with this pls pm i am still suffering till today  )  When I got older around 11-12 I started playing again with friends. I didn't know anything about girls and women or porn,  yet I just knew I had a crazy urge . When I masterbated it went away.       
    
meanwhile I was still  the top kid of my class b''h had friends good nice loving family learned etc.I went to one of the top best yeshivas, learned well , but played around with whoever, I could and whenever I could . But I was still a good top boy. All rabbiem loved me, I learned well , had a lot of friends  ,when someone tried showing me  porn  I looked away. i still didn't understand fully what i was doing, i once wrote one of my rabiem a latter what i was going through but nothing ever happened he couldn't be of any help.  my Rosh yeshiva found out that i was playing with boys , and since i was a top boy and Bh one of the best learners in yeshiva, he tried helping me, he sent me to a therapist, the therapist, decided to put me on pills, for who knows what, i still dont know fully, I thought  it would help ,it didn't, it only made me more shame more isolated  about this,   then he decided to make me feel bad threaten me  that who knows what's going to happen to me, and started telling my parents that there is       something else wrong with me  like ADHD DEPRESSION  ANXIETY every time I went there was something else , but I saw that I am climbing a wall I just didn't take the pills no more but i lied to everyone bcw my parents believed the rosh yeshiva that this is the only way, till it came to a point were they all gave up and know that there or on the wrong track,  they decided that i need to go to a psychiatrist, so my father booked an appointment by a very big psychiatrist in Manhattan, I went he spoke to everyone and is diagnosis was that I AM A YOUNG HEALTHY MEN WITH REAGLER SEXUEL URGESS, AND NEEDS LIKE MOST MEN AND BOYS MY AGE, ( maybe a little on the highside)   there is nothing nothing wrong with me, and the only issue is that in my community, you can't act on it, so the only thing he could suggest that i should go for therapy how to handle it and how to deal with it
 
  ,i want it was a good therapist she  helped me how to deal with stress etc , which by all means were and still is part of the problem, but we didn't really address, the problem of sexuel fantisis porn and masterbaotin this when on for a year or 2 meantime i got older stopped playing with friends found out more stuff about girls women and trying getting my hand on any porn or half naked pic or movie.   
     
 then I went to one of the top yeshivas' in USA learned a lot no access to anything but i used to masterbate, till i found out i could buy a phone from a store and return it for a free and that's when i watched and searched for hr. real porn ( most of the porn i searched were fantasies and stuff that i did without knowing about porn ). this used to happen once  or 2 times a zmen , till i went to Eretz  Yisroel  best yeshiva  good chvresses in the beginning , i was very shtrock, only masterbated and no porn .  Until I found out about internet cafes with no filter, I used to sit there for hours at night while learning a whole day. I didn't do it with friends any more but  porn and masterbaoitn was my outlet.    till a little before i got engaged i stopped porn , i started working on stopping  masterbating  and then   
     
       I bh  got engaged to a very beautiful girl, i said no more i don't watched or masterbate for a long time , got married  bh to a beautiful loving girl bh have 3 beautiful kids now .sex life was good my wife loves sex and to spend time , ( i still felt i am not getting all my fantasies but i couldn't complain then covid came around i started masterbating agein ,and then i started porn again, i had good times and bad times with porn but not with masterbation, it started getting worse and worse, longer time watched porn , worse porn and then , tried chat lines  but bh never went far  even on my filtered computer i tried wherever and whenever to look at anything sexuel,I started  calling phone lines talking to girls till i reached a point i felt i lost control... i did all the dovaning all the kabules cried to Hashem please help me but i could stop for a week or 2 but not more   
     
    BH i started browsing  on GYE till HHM reached out to me i started talking to him , and bh started  the  90 days challenge, it was hard and tuff, but bh with the support of hhm and ,you know who, and chiem ogein  and volf , i made it through, but one think i have to say  the looking and objectifying women and girls only got worse went i went off porn and masterbaoitn ( which is still a big problem, for me and hope to start working on it soon imh  if you have good advice pls pm)  but bh i made it to almost 6 months         
         
      But I went through a big change in my life ( not justifying anything) and started slowly glitching  till I watched porn for a few days i  masterbeted and lost.   I felt i lost everything and will never ever get out of this, i didn't even have the strength to reach out to anybody, one night after watching i just sent a fast email to HHM , i shouldn't be able to rethink,    the next day we spoke and bh i started counting again in the begiening it was hard much harder then the frist time.  it was explained to me by HHM and i  heard it from a lot of ppl and podcasts on this issue, the original feeling i got was i lost its over, i have to start counting from fresh , and for me that i am a all or nothing person this crushed me , this is not true it's a false narrative counting is very good but it doesn't mean that  when we fall it's all lost , it's the opposite i made it through almost 6 months of hard times i made it through times when i would in a million years not believe i could stay clean so not i didn't lose there was so many times were i practiced on myself  and rewired my brain , that not every time i am stressed i run to porn and mastertbaitoin , not every time i feel bored not fulfilled with life the answer is porn , it was hard for me to implement in the beginning  but I don't think its possible to go through this fight with out this lesson  and I  don't think i would be able to get to 90 days again if i would go down that path,  BH   I HAVE REACHED TODAY 90 DAYS  AGIEN I still have a long way to go but BH i am here thanks for reading hope to stay in touch

bh its easer to move along now day 93 still have to start working of looking at women if anyone was  any good tips pls share 

jonthen123 wrote on 09 Mar 2025 14:01:

Shalom Brother,

Mazal tov on your 90+ days!

This thread might be a good place to start for some ideas / strategies. Let me know what you think and let's continue the discussion to see what you think is worth a try to implement?

https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/415200-Tips-for-%D7%A9%D7%9E%D7%99%D7%A8%D7%AA-%D7%94%D7%A2%D7%99%D7%A0%D7%99%D7%99%D7%9D

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

thank you i will read but first of all thank you for posting on my  forum  at least one post form someone its's better then nothing 

Hey, here’s a warm hand! 
It takes Koach and courage to write a detailed post like that, but I took even more Koach and courage to go back and relive those painful times in the way you need to do to write your history. That must have been incredibly painful

Where you are today is incredible. No words. And the way that you picked yourself back up , in the face of what’s obviously a genuinely difficult time, is very special. You deserve to give yourself a lot of credit for what you’ve accomplished. Kol Hakavod. 

It’s important to remember that looking is the first lick of lust. “Just looking” is tasting, and tasting wakes up stuff that you know that you don’t want… you’ve been there. You want where you are. Look for things that have the taste of Tahara… seek out things that have a good tatste becuase they taste better. 

LiChayim! Nice to have you back! 
Chaim Oigen

Wow, what a painful, moving post.

Hashem should help you continue and grow and grow, beating this damned beast!

Muttel

bh 94 days clean first of all thanks for all for reading my post and tasking the time to wright something it means a lot to me to be part of such a holy site2 points if i could make
1-- i don't know y i have a very hard time feeling good about myself in this enyunim, yes I know i am a, all or nothing person so it makes it harder for myself to feel good, were i am holding , but i feel it makes it so much harder to fight this battle when we don't take credit of what we have done and accomplished, if anyone has good ideas pls let me know.
.2---- to my holy rabbi r chiemogien, first of all thanks for writing i most say that you or part of my journey and part of the reason i am still here  to your point i  know and agree but what's the solution and what could work not to look at women i know its lust but i feel i need a good way to approach it ..

For the "all or nothing" problem, 
perhaps look at a single nisayon that you passed as a "thing" by itself. Can you imagine how much אור and שפע was created just from that one time being עומד בנסיון! Many people will use it as an עת רצון to Daven for someone's Yeshua (or your own). You definately can take credit and feel accomplished for sailing it through thousands (millions?) of times.
Don't know if this will help ya, just trying.

bh day 95 i had a nice story which i think i should sharemy sholem bies was a little bumpy lately and i spoke to my wife a few times about it to try to make things better and to go back how it was, or to try figure out what we could do so we started going out once every week or every 2 weeks for a date night but i felt i wanted to do something moreshe is asser  now and i told here we should go out on a date night i called a rav to ask he said i am allowed ,     so i went out with her had a amazing time tlak walked by the water eat amazing ,on our way back she said it's not fair that we can't go to bed together after such a night in here words it's a huge teeses, i wasn't sure what to say , then i said to herI LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND I ENJOY YOUR COMPANY AND THE TIME WE SPEND EVEN WITHOUT SEX AND EVEN WHEN I KNOW  WE CANT HAVE ,i think since my wedding i never send her such a strong message of love, and i  think it's first time since i on gye that i feel good about myself a little.

BH 96 days clean trying to get to Purim a little holier then last year 

Your last post was a very special story. 

but it hurts to read that you never feel good about yourself. Your whole story that you wrote earlier should make it clear that you have so much to be proud about. You’ve fought against so much difficulty and pain, and you have come so far. 

Here’s a warm hand and a hug. You’re a good guy. Look yourself in the mirror and believe it. 

Belated welcome.

Were friends.

End.

(or just starting)



P.S.

You are an amazing person.

Welcome to the club of struggles and victory.

With a hug.



M111

BH DAY 97 moving alongthank you m1111 for your chezikto my rabbi r cheimogien i know you're right but for some odd reason i always found stuff to blame myself and also i don't know why it's hard for me to feel good i could only try

hi bh pushing through still didn't find some good ideas to work on lusting and looking at women but trying BH DAY 104 DIDN'T SLEEP LAST UP I AM UP ALREADY FOR OVER 35 HR WITH OUR normal sleep it's getting hard to resist the urges definity in such a stressful situation but checking  in to keep strong

Shulem Aleichem
You say you don't feel good about yourself, maybe you should use it not in the healthiest way, but look at me, I never was able to get to 30 days yet, let alone 90!! Feel good about yourself by looking at others! You're allowed to use it for some גאוה דקדושה
Hope to join you and make a big Lchaim when I reach day 90
הצלחה וברכה