Reb lamaazavtuni, I haven't ben around in a bit, I just saw what you went thru this past week. 
I cant imagine how hard that must've been for you, we all only want perfection. 
But maybe this will help. Even if you feel like your back to square one, which your NOT!
Just remember that all your posts and days of aliyah uplifted many of us on here;) You inspired us. And seeing how you got right back up is an even greater inspiration. Thank you!!

Bh doing a lot better (I guess it works talking to eerie) !!!  Now that I'm behind the fall a few days and can think about it a little more rationally. I had a breakthrough nothing actually new was mischadesh but some stuff clicked from what ppl told me what I read on forum and stam thoughts that I had since starting.  THANK YOU HASHEM FOR THE FALL.   Now I'll explain before I get stoned by your guys 4 month old esrogim grenades with your pesilos stuck in on top on fire as you hurl them shouting nazzzzzziiiiii.  I started this journey with one and one goal in mind get clean and figure out how to make that stay.  And that's the goal at all cost whether that takes away my Shalom b time with kids learning davening connection with hashem chesed.......56 days later (and one fat fall)i realize theres a big big picture if i want my floor to be sparkling clean but i live in some nasty krumpled shack it doesnt mean much to have a clean floor who cares          , but if i build a big huge gorgeous house ahhhh now a sparkling floor is a huge mayla now im motivated to mop up and scrub that grime off.  Now ppl are gonna come visit to see my stunning house  so going to make sure it's clean. So point is we gotta live productive fulfilling lives(each to his own what makes their life have meaning,although the raishai perakim are the same 1giving/living for others 2learning  3having somewhat control on our middos raois 4having a connection with hashem.   To name a few... If not our neshamos are thirsting so we fill it up with ........ to distract it. But we'll never be satiated .  So basically now I know I need to become the grouceh mentch that I could because that's really the only way I think for me to stop these behaviors and to stay kadosh and clean !!!!

The greatest Rebbe in life is... our mistakes. (Rav Volbe ZTL speaks about this in his sefarim)
And the fall, by no means do I mean to belittle or whitewash it, is just that.... a mistake.

You, my friend, are teaching me (and maybe all of us) how to do it.  (not to mention the actual lesson is GOLD!)

Thank you!!

Ahh gutten to my tayeraeh yeddiedem !!!
    had a machshava today while learning the gemarah megila (yup soif zmans here) that haman said kol ze ainoy shoiveh liy when he passed mordechai, even though hahaman was the 2nd to most powerful person in 127 lands  and he had everything going for him tons of children tons of money an insane amount of kavod but even with all this when he saw mordechai he said to himself it's not worth it id rather be a reg guy without all the perks if i could just give up that thorn sticking into me , RABBOISAY we can all relate, our lives can be going phenomenal everything's going amazing besides for one issue shmeeras eynayim shmiras habris.......     Kol ze ainoy sshoiveh liy
     Well give it all up......     FOR NOTHING
        my dear friends let's not take the path of haman.

Shalom chevra we almost fell tonight was on chatsi filtered internet for about 49 seconds before down I went searching for some tumah and watched some prusteh stuff for Abt 40 seconds till wife banged on bathroom door for phone back.........
    hashem you saved me till now and I see you continue to !!!!!!!!!!!!! 
     On the brightside of things I'm clean 
     On the dark side of things (as the oiloms here seems a shtickle versed in Harry Potter) how the flip am I gonna stay clean with such lack of control , when I get a finger I take the whole body.......

lamaazavtuni wrote on 27 Feb 2025 04:44:

bang!! what a smart wife! chops what ur up to in less then 2 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!! keep in there brother! and maybe next time accidently let the phone drop in the toilet......................

Doing good bh!! And thanks to all you guys .     Right now I'm really working on living a really honest productive life as that seems to be the only way to be in the driver's seat in the shmiras habris struggle.     I felt like when I started this fight I was more busy with self care(for lack of better word) and making myself feel good Abt myself and not down and depressed but think nows the time to take myself to task and really grow in all areas including shmiras ainayim .          
     Talmid besimcha good shabbos!!!!

Ah gut voch!! Ah gut chodesh adar!! Checkin in I try to post something every day, cause if I don't I think it'll be like many things in life that I started got mad involved an then dropped. Although I did make a half of a kabbalah to only come on here once or twice a day as I was spending way way to much time on here, and I think I by now got the yesoidois.....  just a little heorah I had over shabbos as I took kids to park ,on walk.... That although we have the tools /outlook/fire in the engine to deals with the real urges/fantasies that get us into unstoppable lust mode that ends after an ejaculation (or by actually taking the urge by the horns and calling/distracting (that's what works for me fill it in wtvr works for u)  we still have the regular normal taivos to look at ladies that every man has and THAT doesn't end no matter how many days clean you are(although if your lax in that erea that might cause you to get back into your old mentality of getting into unstoppable lust mode..........

I totally agree that we all have a YH and tayva no matter what.
I will point out two things.
1- The thing that you call your sex drive right now, is really your sex drive on steroids. So, while you will have tayva and YH at every point of your life, it will not look the same as it does right now
2- it might be hard to believe, but it is possible, with hard work and time, to truly reach a point where a woman is not just an object that makes you think about _ _ _. You can reach a point where a woman is a person, and seeing her doesn't have to mean funny things are flying around your head, and you don't have to take another look

Not sure if I'm allowed to argue or even add on to what my rebi just said. ..  imh I hope that's true ,but the same way a person looks at a nice car or house and gives a second look to marvel at it I'm not sure y it would be different by nashim also just cause now when I see a nash it means ....... But the way hashem made it is that men are attracted to ladies even if  the man knows that their never doing anything together in a physical sense but yet he'll still pursue the relationship and enjoy it (I think by the goyim they call it flirting) even if it's not gonna lead to a physical touch . And that's what attracts a husband to his wife till he can realize the deep emotional connection that he gets out of this fulfilling relationship and not be in the marriage for that. But that natural tendency to enjoy talking to a lady(hence most public jobs are filled by ladies(stewardess/cashier's/waitress/costumer support/customer service...to name a few) I don't think goes away.

Yes, we have a YH, and yes he can act up and challenge me to do things I know are terrible for me etc. And he can get me to objectify women. And part of the work, of correctly understanding your own sexuality, of learning how to channel yourself properly, definitely can bring you to the ability to stop objectifying women, and rather relating to them as humans, as people, as people who should be respected, and you will be able to have conversations with women, when necessary, and keep your mind where it should be, without you sexualizing the conversation
The obvious difference between the examples you gave is that those things are objects, while a woman is a person. She deserves respect. And it would be correct for you to give her that respect and treat her with dignity, as befits a human being.

Please don't take what I'm about to say as an insult, but there's no way for you to know whether you think it goes away until you've tried it. Stay clean for a while, really retrain the way you understand your own sexuality, stop engaging in the worlds perverted understanding of sexuality, and beH you'll see for yourself.
I'll be waiting for that post

Originally when I started I said I'll post my journey that never happened ....  but after dwelling in to my inner self (as in myself) I think it would be beneficial and very helpful to articulate why do I do these behaviors what causes me to need them(unfortunately I still think I need them even if I'm not doing them and basically I'm substituting my need by doing other addictions, smoking binge eating and actually gye) and y am I so unsettled always. So writing this post for accountability not down right now to start but bn will.
              ah giteh nacht!!!!!!!!

Also by now my wife's damm suspicious about my extended bathroom use (on gye) and anytime I'm home alone I start being harrased to explain how i spent the time . I'm pretty sure she things I'm doing stuff that lamazavtuni doesn't do anymore any eitsos from the chevra that have been here? 

lamaazavtuni wrote on 04 Mar 2025 05:50:

Shalom Brother,
Generally speaking:
Her suspicion is probably valid - you are behaving (consistently) differently and she doesn't understand why.
Her harassment maybe isn't so great (in general this is so in a relationship), but it's understandable given that she likely feels a separation between you from the mystery / secrecy of your new behavior pattern - especially so if there have been sub-par excuses and unconvincing or non-existent explanations when it has come up. I think this is two parts: one altz her not being your mother keeping tabs on you and one altz the conversation that you may need to have to get back on the same page where she doesn't feel like you are hiding things from her just because she doesn't know something (this depends on what "normal" trust and care looks like based on your personal relationship and history).

One suggestion might be to pick up a relevant seder limud at home, like a marriage book or shiurim, and you can spend time on both that and GYE.

Another better suggestion is to reach out to Rav HHM for advice, as I'm sure he is very familiar with these kinds of situations.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

lamaazavtuni wrote on 04 Mar 2025 05:50:

LOL!

Don't get me wrong. It's not funny that your wife is suspicious of you.

But it is pretty funny that after all the lying and hiding we do to act out, we have trouble hiding this.

I used to hide GYE from my wife as religiously as I hid porn. And the funny thing is that while I was doing that GYE wasn't helping all that much. (She still doesn't know about my problem, but my attitude towards it is different - before I was still wrapped up in protecting my precious secret as much as possible. Different schmooze.)

There's a couple ways of going about this. You could listen to the Y"H and give up GYE for the sake of "shalom bayis" a.k.a. protecting your secrets (Bad idea). You could tell your wife about your problem and open up about what you're really doing in there (Dangerous but potentially beneficial idea). You could find a different time for GYE that doesn't raise suspicions (I did many a GYE call in my car during night seder.) 

The best plan is to call HHM and discuss with him the details of your situation and what the best way to go about doing it is.