Hi, just wanted to make a post on here, mainly as a reference for when I can hopefully look back on this as the "old" days, but also feel free to respond with any tips or things you think I should know. 

I would say that I have struggled with P&M for about 7 or 8 years now, but I'm not sure that's totally accurate since for 1-2 years of that time, I was genuinely oblivious to the fact that masturbation is assur. I knew about pornography being assur but I probably put it in the same mental category as going to the movies. The topic was never brought up to me at home, in yeshiva, or anywhere else. Any information I had was from the internet which I had access to early on. Of course, I eventually realized the gravity of what I was doing, but for a long time, I was able to ignore it or intentionally remain as uninformed about the halachos as possible. It was only about 6 months ago that I decided to make a conscious effort to stop. That lasted 3 weeks (which was tremendously difficult) and then I fell right back down for a while. 

A few weeks ago now, someone opened up to me about their struggle for the first time (He is doing exceptionally well for a while b"h)
I had never discussed this with anyone, but his opening up made me want to unburden myself, although I could not bring myself to do it. I really don't know where I fall as far as my difficulty with this, is everyone around me going through the same thing? Are some people just cruising through with no challenges? Are some people not even trying? I still have no clue. However, just knowing that at least one other person had fought and was winning gave me motivation to try again. I installed a filter on my devices and I found that I have almost zero urge to watch pornography whatsoever. I have not needed the filter or even come close. As far as masturbation, well that's another story. It's been easier so far than the last time around, but there have been a lot of urges, and since I decided to get clean, I'm so afraid of failing and having to start over that I'm almost afraid to change or shower. I'm proud of my success so far but I feel it getting more and more difficult, and I'm afraid that if I fall I won't be able to get back up. 

Since my turning point Hashem has thrown me a few lines bh. My rebbi spoke about shmiras habris in shiur, and while most guys didn't speak too much, it was clear from those who did that others have at least had challenges. I have heard of various tikkunim/tshuvah although I don't really know too much about them, would appreciate if anyone wants to share what they have found to be helpful/meaningful. (I'yh 1 and done, especially as I don't and have never had a wet dream). I also want to go to the mikvah but I don't know how to access the mikvah near me and I would feel very uncomfortable asking as a single bochur, If anyone has any ideas would love to hear. 

Thanks so much and I appreciate all you guys do for the klal!

Your post is both brave and thoughtful, and it reflects a deep desire for growth and connection to Hashem. Struggles like these are challenging, but sharing and seeking guidance are critical steps forward. Here are a few reflections and suggestions that might help you navigate this journey:It’s important to remember that you’re not alone in this struggle. Many people, even those who seem confident or outwardly composed, face challenges with shmiras habris. The fact that you’re addressing it directly and striving to improve is a huge accomplishment. Don’t let the fear of failure overshadow your progress—every small victory is significant.It sounds like the filter has been a significant help, baruch Hashem. Ensure that your devices remain as safe as possible. Consider accountability software or a trusted friend to help you stay on track. A well-organized schedule can minimize downtime and distractions. When you’re busy with Torah learning, exercise, or chessed, the yetzer hara has less room to maneuver.The fact that someone opened up to you shows the power of connection. Consider finding a mentor, rav, or friend with whom you can share openly. If you can build a relationship where you feel safe discussing your challenges, it can be transformative.It’s natural to feel afraid of failing, but try to view each day as an opportunity rather than a test you might fail. Celebrate your victories, no matter how small, and remember that Hashem cherishes every step you take toward kedusha. If you fall, the ability to get back up again is a sign of incredible strength.Tefillah is one of the most powerful tools in this battle. Pour your heart out to Hashem, even in your own words, and ask for strength and clarity. Hashem listens to every tefillah, and even your desire to improve brings nachas to Him.Be kind to yourself. It’s easy to fall into a cycle of guilt and self-criticism, but remember that teshuvah is a process, not a switch. Hashem understands the challenges of this generation and the unique struggles people face today.Your sincerity and determination are inspiring, and with continued effort and trust in Hashem, you can overcome these challenges and build a stronger connection with Him. Hatzlacha rabbah—may you merit tremendous siyata dishmaya and find success in your journey toward purity and kedusha.

Shalom ubracha !we need every yid we could get  to be kedoshim utehoirim !   Hatslcha on your fight   you'll see the most memorable moments  are your moments of strength.   Hang out here , make friends , very kdai to read through other kedoishims threads #1to realize your not alone in your struggles. And to see people who's story's resonate with you  to get chizik and tips/ideas on how do deal with the lust your experiencing        and keep us posted. We're all tearing for your success.  Hatslcha!!! 

I appreciate all the kind words. Just for a quick update, I'm now 41 days clean (can you see that on my profile? not sure how to set that) and bh still going strong. I just wanted to come on here and post because last night I had a wet dream for the first time ever, I'm guessing it's probably a direct result of my abstinence. Not sure how to feel about this but I assume my streak is considered intact. In the dream I didn't know it was a dream and so I was quite devastated. I woke up right away and was releived that it was just a dream.. and then I realized what actually happened. It's hard to remember exactly but I cant seem to push the thought out of my mind that there might have been this moment in the dream where I could have chosen to stop it and didn't but I can't be sure. It's all just a blur by now and I'm quite confused.

Hi,
I think wet dream is an effect of not masterbating. Since the body has no outlet it gives the outlet in a dream. Don't worry about it.
By the way, most people struggle with maturation some way or another, but over here in GYE is where the minority actually conge and break free for real.
I'm giving you a hug...
Do you feel it?

Think the common consensus on gye is that you forsure didn't break your streak!!  And also it's a good sign cause it's your subconscious fighting is last desperate aren't cause it realizes that your doing your previous behaviors

renewedunicorn23 wrote on 13 Feb 2025 19:02:

I think you nailed it, and as you said your streak remains intact!
Please don't worry about if you could've stopped it or not, unless you think it's going to be helpful going forward.

Otherwise, how are things going?
Have you considered reaching out and connecting to anyone from the forum?

KOMT!!

Hi, sorry for the late response. Been a tough few weeks. The wet dream thing has been happening now on almost a weekly basis, pretty crazy it's literally never happened until now. I reached out to HHM and we spoke quickly. I feel like I would benefit from speaking with someone my own age who's in the fight, especially if it could be someone I already know. I have a few people in mind, just don't know who or how to approach. Bh I have come to realize that I have tremendous reserve of strength for white-knuckling, but even though it's working, I can't keep living like this. I feel constantly more stressed out than I ever was before I quit. I definitely need to do something to make this easier.

Hi and welcome. 
Sorry I'm a relative old timer that took a short break from GYE for good reasons BH. 

You mentioned that you spoke to HHM once. 
Can you share what he said?
Also I would recommend speaking to him on a daily basis. For the first 100 or so days, I spoke to him basically every day and sometimes more often than that. 
Have you made personal friendships with the tzadikim here? Not just posting but getting on the phone to talk? 
You may find that alot of the people here have struggled with similar things to you and in my case, their friendship has been the key to breaking free. 
Feel free to reach out to me by my email below. 
I can put you in touch with some real winners. People who have fought your fight and won. 
Hatzlacha on your journey to true freedom. 

I resonate so much with what you wrote about talking to someone you could relate to. I felt the same way I didnt just wanna open up to anyone, it had to be someone that had the same struggles.
I spoke to eerie 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com and he connected me with another guy that can relate very much so to the struggles I have.

Just two months ago I was on the verge of collapse from all of the pain.

Now I bh know where I'm going and what I wanna do, (even though I still struggle.)

Make the call. You wont believe what can happen to your life!!

Hatzlacha keep us posted

Thank you both for your responses. I think a daily call is a bit much for me. As I recall he had others to attend to before we could really get into it. It's just not the same for me to talk anonymously with someone from the interwebs, as it is to be able to talk face to face. I have so many friends that probably struggle with this but I can't just bring up the conversation from nowhere with them can I? What if they don't? What if they do but pretend they don't and leave me feeling exposed and vulnerable?

how'd you get your day count to show? 

No clue, yours also shows though. (Big league number, iy"h I'll never catch up to you)

R unicorn you don't have to make a daily call I definitely don't do that but I do know I can call whenever I need to , your not signing yourself up to some program that your not so sure if your interested in joining, it's really at your own pace and no one here's gonna pressure you to. Especially if your speaking to eeire or any of the greats on here the have spoken and helped many guys including myself.   Also about wanting to speak to someone you know the first two ppl I spoke to (besides eerie hmm and dov) I knew both really well and had their numbers in my contacts  so maybe youll have the same hashgacha as me and it will be someone you wanted to speack to but were embarresed to bring up.   But if you don't try you'll never know ....
     Keep it up brother much much hazlacha

Hey, I was away from the forum for a while so I just wanted to check in l'kavod having just hit 90 days a few days ago. I feel like I'm on cruise control but I am always looking over my shoulder for the YH because I just know he's going to jump out from somewhere sooner or later. Until now I was focusing just on p&m, I think my next step needs to be watching out for the every day shmiras einayim challenges. The main difficulty for me with that is that it means giving up or at least cutting back on most digital entertainment, YT, Netflix, etc. which is a good thing anyway but not an easy change.