Done my jacks .  Had something today and woke up late which meant that I basically. Didn't do any learning till about 530 , which before I met the chashivah YIDDEN here would have meant a full fat huge fall , thank you every one  for keeping me kadosh!!!!

Breathless I'm done js,  as in the staying clean issue we're teetering but we'll regain our footing.  I am noticing a change in how my brain is processing a urge that instead of feeling helpless and panicy and thoughts fluctuating between wanting to just act out and skrew the whole thing to not wanting an pushing off and distracting then calling someone in th middle of this mess. To now feeling some level of control a and getting more comfortable with the fact that the only person to stop the urge is ME (and the only person that has to deal with it after the fall is also me)  so bh we seem to be making some progress imh vaiter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lamaazavtuni wrote on 17 Feb 2025 19:31:

Wow your journey is a chizuk for us all!!!! Progress vieter is the name of the game
KOMT

So I'm jacked up ! Feeling horrible like I'm about to get sick so just ate tons of raw garlic (they say it helps) now I really feel sick

I guess now you know that it doesn't work...

Unless your looking for a sick day which in that case now you know it works

I FELL.

to get off my chest, got into lust mode in a really enticing way it never left and then i gave up . was hoping somehow to get distracted but i didn't , surprisingly i feel really bad and feel like a but sort of calm [dunno if its cause i haven't really processed that i freaken worked so flipen hard and gave it up]  i relize its not the end of the world. i could still keep fighting even though now I don't have a good streak, bseder that doesn't x me out.  also another heorah its not as good as i used to think it is even bshas maysa not only after so bh for that 

lamaazavtuni wrote on 19 Feb 2025 23:02:

Here's a hug from across the ocean hope you feel it, all that hard work definitely isn't lost regardless of what the streak counter says all the effort you put in tools you learned and prospective shifts you've made are all still there, just don't let the YH convince you otherwise!!

With love and admiration
-ratherstayanonymous

So obviously once I fell what's wrong with looking at a little prizsus on YouTube??         A lot !!!!   I'm not letting the YH make me feel like a rasha it's only gonna drag me to the dirt.   Made myself daven mayriv for the amud after I heard a little voice in my head saying RASHA YOUR GOING TO BE THE SHLIACH TZIBBUR.   You bet brother I'm not letting this nefila letsoirech Aliyah define me .    I let it define me for way to long not it's time to bring out the real me.
       Agutenacht yidden thanks all that were and continuesly are there for me including the chevra that pmed....   

Ithink that after the fact this is a good attitude because the YH wants to keep us in the bad mood so just one more time...
keep it up buddy

lamaazavtuni wrote on 19 Feb 2025 22:52:

This 2 word post makes you a Tzaddik.
To be open about it is what deflates and breaks the Yetzer Hara.
I envy your openness.

Ahh gut vuch from a dark and sad place  here in lamazavtuni land the oiloms a shtikle tzebrachen still from the fall (although thanks a million to everybody on forum and off for chizuk it's literally what kept me going)  just feeling very low energy small sheifos and not being the stong person i could be , also speaking with r hhm made me more aware of issues that i have which is also a hard pill to swallow sy from the stuff that are in my control to change and from the stuff thats not in my ability and im just gonna have to suck it up biz ah hundred un tzvuntseg (how comforting) all I know is that this journey opened a freaken hugetrongous  can of worms that are crawling all over me and I cant stop them other then painfuly picking up each measly worm and removing it one by one.   
            may we all get the early oiros of adar !!!! To make our days more light and our nights so so bright!!!      
   Thanks for letting me ramble  just drop(very) strstressfull in shtieb right now

checking in with the oilom in a much better place now  shalom b has taken{i make it sound like it happens by itself}a spiral up imh iit shall continue. very exiting day which kept me very ocupied and little time to morn my sorry state. shoutout to not sure if he wants to be named so i guess look who the first thank yous is and its probaly him for giving me his preciuos time that he wanted to spend being koineh oilamois was instead spent on the phone with me darshening all my theoretical theorys in how the yh works y what causes it ..... veain efsher lepoirtom ki rabem haim,  THANK YOU   also slowly seeing a slow trickle of berachah back into my life so thank you hashem!!!!!                                                                                                                                                                                    haveing a shaila/machshava that maybe the chevra here can help me with. At what point do we put religon aside and focus on our mental health, basicaly when do we not learn/do mitsvos to just let ourselfes relax or do sfuff we enjoy like listening to music/playing musiic leman chilling and coming to our inner self  if its gonna come at the expense of our learning /wife/children /chesed that were involved with?        all responses welcome