Thank you ykw what your saying makes a lot of sense although practically I'm still not 100% sure how to proceed.     

 Bh today was pretty productive !!  Although had a tiny urge at a few points during the day but didn't even get to the level that I thought to act on it .     Gonna stay busy imh.  Ah giteh nacht yidden

Day *30 
    white knuckling my eyes on the street not sure y today was so hard.         
     Shabos himelizok!!!!

Day 32*.         Went to levaya today ... Sad that even there with a mais right in front of me realizing that I'll die one day.  I still can't control my eyes ...           
    Imh what r eeire posted previously that now my taivos are on steroids and they'll calm down.  

lamaazavtuni wrote on 24 Mar 2025 00:54:

Nu nu. Doesn't the Tosafos in kiddushin have a maaseh with a women by her husband's grave who ended up being seduced by a nearby guard and giving up her husband's body to hang? 
Point being. Taivos are normal and it's a losing game to blame yourself for having urges. Save that for Tisha B'av when you can sit and the floor and cry for one day about how your utterly destroyed your tzelem elokim. The rest of the year, let the urges be what they be.
Acknowledge them, accept them, say no thank you, and move on.

Shem beat me here.



Urges are nothing to be annoyed at, anxious over, embarrassed of, etc...



If not for risk of triggering, I'd list my urges publicly here. Let's just say they still come frequently and are quite colorful and of different varieties.....

I'm figuring I'll get them until shortly before my petira.....



Accepting them is a key to letting them die....



Wishing you all the best

Day *33 had huge nisayon almost acted out bh reached out in time and now we're clean !!!!!   Thanks @minhamayim @altehmirrer

Day*34 not doing so good with looking on the street gotta nip it in the bud.   Am noticing that  when Shalom bayis isn't good and I don't feel connected to my wife it's way way harder to keep my eyes clean ...    

lamaazavtuni wrote on 25 Mar 2025 19:12:

I have the exact same thing, how I see it is because we don't feel good about ourselves. We trained ourselves over the years that my escape for when I'm not feeling great is ____________ (fill in your favorite tayvah here).

35* days!!

*36 been looking way to much today which caused me to break a certain geder I put in place for myself.  But overall feeling pretty productive these days with not much time to fall bh.

I passed a huge nisayon today with flying colors BUT that ended up triggering me AND I FELL bh I know that the intensity of when I fall now is way less so obviously I'm making progress (although not as quick as I should be ) also I cried after the fall as opposed to the other two times which I just felt numb after .  

So I'm happy bh that i took steps forward  and feel absolutely horrible about this but not gonna let it make me mad and a bad husband.  
  And commiting to have a fully lustles week. 

lamaazavtuni wrote on 28 Mar 2025 16:30:

It’s normal to feel bad after a fall. Just don’t let it lead to yiush. When I feel triggered, what I learned from TBOTG to reach out to a chaver. It’s worked for me, even after a fall. 

2 days clean!  Shtikle unsatisfying feeling that the cleaner and better I get at controlling my eyes and having a more healthy normal brain that takes other people into account . The more I realize how sick of a human I am and how much work I'm gonna have to do together to base level .      Gotta truck up

Hurting for you buddy!!  falls can be painful but at the same time learning experiences.

But you are not a sick human being c'v.  Don't speak Loshon Hora on my friend!!!!!!

You're a tzadik, a mevakesh and you're working on fixing this and you will be successful!  You're not giving up, you're still here, I have felt you're pain as have many others. We try this we try that and you will find the thing that works for you provided that you DO NOT GIVE UP!  GYE has lots of different amazing resources and there is something that works for everyone. You WILL find the thing that works for you.

Brother, to hear about your struggles, is hard and painful.

I know this is cliche-ish (is that a word?) but you can break free. 
But most of all, don't hate on yourself. You can be like me and outsource that stuff. There are enough people out there that have issues with me. I just close it up and keep on trucking. 

Don't be hard on yourself. And don't say things like 'i was hoping to be further along on my journey than I am now'. 
Thats maybe someone else's journey. Not yours. Yours is personal to you and you are moving at a good pace. You came to GYE, you out together a nice streak or two and fell. 
These are big steps. Opening yourself up to others. Opening yourself up to yourself and seeing that you can change. You've made huge steps. HUGE ones. 
You've made big progress and don't let little falls lie to you that you weren't where u need to be. 
You are exactly where you need to be. 
You came to the place where people like you, can get help and improve their lives. So pick yourself up and keep on moving.