Hi guys 
it’s with great shame I introduce myself, 
i somewhat plucked the courage.
it started when I was around 12 getting curious with an u filtered phone.
i started getting addicted to p.
it went further and I started getting a thrill at finding banned content and I just spiralled down thinking I’ll grow out of it.
i didn’t.
now I’m 21 and have real banned desires.( I’m sure you all know what I mean whether you want to believe it or not) 
i have nowhere to turn to and I won’t be able to get married.
yes I found the courage for therapy but it hasn’t helped me. How am I supposed to live with this real desire? 
guys I’m pleading with you from the bottom of my heart filled with shame and guilt. 

Dear bochurinneed, you are not alone. Actually! - you are not alone. Many of us here have gone through a hell of struggles and we're all doing our best to break free. Read some other posts, to motivate you and dispell the loneliness, and reach out to GYE members, to get practical guidance and advice.

Your braveness to post and seeking help is greatly admired. struggling with such struggles, navigating an ocean of pain, could leave you hopeless, but you chose to post and reach out for help because deep down you believe in yourself - and we too...

bochurinneed wrote on 10 Jan 2025 14:09:

Welcome Bochurinneed, I don't know what you mean by banned desired but rest assured that it's nothing new and that plenty of the Chevra have the same or similar struggles. There's no way you can shock us. Anyone who's been around here long enough has been exposed to the strangest stuff. It's very helpful to know that there are so many in the same boat.

Kudos to your courage to post and may Hashem hold your hands and guide you towards Kedusha and a good wife.

Lichtige Bachur-who-needs-some-help, Welcome to the most amazing family on earth!
Stick around, my friend, and know that there's a way out of each problem. You sound like you are determined to do what you need to do in order to break free. So, I know it's hard, but calling HHM will definitely be a game changer for you. You can reach him at michelgelner@gmail.com
Stick around, read some threads, ask, be part of the conversation, and beH we will all be here to support you as you soar past the issues!

Are you just getting a thrill from "banned desires"? 

Or are you struggling with actually entertaining fantasies of acting out on these desires? A whole different sugyah, in which you are a danger to others. 

The first option can lead to the second if its not dealt with, but I am just pointing out that you did not specify where you are holding with this.

Although I usually do not rush to suggest contacting this one or that one, here I would strongly suggest, as eerie did, to reach out to HHM, especially if you are struggling with acting out. 

In any case, you have my fullest sympathies, this is SUPER PAINFUL to live with. You must be going through hell. 

Good Luck, I will tell you that like you my brain has also changed from these things, but our brain in this age can change and even if right now you have a specific mindset you can change it, if you want to learn more about this search "neuroplasticity"  (Google Search: neuroplasticity is defined as the ability of the nervous system to change its activity in response to intrinsic or extrinsic stimuli by reorganizing its structure, functions, or connections)
when you make new connections old unused ones will break away 
Good Luck!

Hey, welcome. 
Sorry that you are struggling. Unfortunately, so many of us know what it’s like… many of us struggled in shame, silence and agony for years or even decades. the loneliness and pain is terrible. 

The good news is, GYE means hope. 

Read some of the amazing threads here. So many guys thought they were stuck, that there was only a dead end , and yet they found doors opening up…. (And so many guys who struggled have happy, fulfilling, clean marriages, too, BH). 

It can be the same for you. 
Read some threads, get comfortable, and then reach out to some of the guys and mentors here. You can start by email or PM. The struggles are different when walking this road together with friends.
It’s a game changer. 

There is hope. You’ll see! 
Here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen

Not exactly sure what “banned desires” are but i just wanna let u know that you’d be surprised by how many people have similar struggles and manage to break fee.
just keep on trying your best and have a game plan!!      And IYH you WILL see the light at the other end.