My first time I searched for nudity was when I was 12. I quickly turned that off and didn’t think of it for 4 years when in yeshiva I started maturing and I really was curious. Right before Covid I watched porn for the first time when I went home. And when Covid came I had good periods and bad periods. The next two years went by learning in yeshiva and going home by bein Hazmanim and watching porn. Then came the summer of 2022 and I masturbated while watching porn for the first time (during COVID I did twice but it wasn’t as thrilling as while watching). Then for the next 20 months I basically would masturbate every day if not more than once and at better times I would go a week max without. Last year before the summer I finally spoke to my mashpia about it and strengthened my filter on my phone and vowed to keep in touch. Over the summer I was pretty good falling a few times when I had the filter taken off. Starting the new year I found a way through my filter and was on that for a few weeks. But I’m finally speaking to my mashpia more often and I have a filter on my phone that I don’t know of any way to get through it and I see that as I get involved in more good things the urges don’t have time to come. On that topic though any time I have unfiltered access on my devices I fall without fail. No one else knows about this besides my mashpia and I want to speak to someone younger preferably and more openly on this site. In the next year I want to go into shidduchim and I want to be clean for a while by then. I fell three days in the past month or so and I’m on a week long streak now.

Shalom Brother illumin8 and welcome!

You've come to the right place and people. It's brave that you were able to open up to your mashpia.

Clean 27 days this month!!!

The filter on your phone is a huge help. I would suggest you get a copy of The Battle of the Generation, as it has helped many reframe their mindset with these struggles. It's available on Amazon for about $10 and there is also a free downloadable .pdf and audiobook here on GYE https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation

Stick around, meet the holy chevra, and you'll soon be on your way. If you are open to talking to our resident chief mashpia, HashemHelpMe can be reached at michelgelner@gmail.com - he has helped a great many people.

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov