H...hey everybody!...
My name is wannadobetter, simply because I want to do better.
Okay, so let me introduce myself. I'm a 22 year old bochur. I'm in yeshiva, doing well. People love me and respect me. People even admire and look up to me. Everyone, but me. And y'all can guess why.
I grew up in a regular Chabad home, where having challenges and struggles was unacceptable (I'm being sarcastic, but this is the way I felt). No one prepared me for what's going to hit me during puberty. Actually, to be honest, the principal came once and gave us a pep talk, but the problem was that he was talking so purely, it flew over my head. Tachlis, my hormones were raging and I didn't even know what was happening. All I knew was that I can't look at girls. But I didn't know that I can't masturbate, so somehow I learned the trade. It started with just once a week, but at the time I learned about it and I understood the problem, I was already indulging every day. And from there it went downhill. It became twice daily, then thrice daily. Then I started m in public. Then I started acting out with other bochrim. It was wonderful! Just wonderful!
I spoke with various rabbonim and mashpiim, but nothing helped. I was open and honest with them, but I didn't feel understood. I was stuck in a loop and was just getting worse and worse. Then I went to therapy, but that didn't work either. I tried this rabbi and that rabbi, I tried talking with a friend, but I never felt like anyone REALLY understood me. I felt lonely. I felt like an imposter and a fraud. I felt disgusting. I vividly remember looking around the zal and thinking, "Wow! They're so lucky. They don't have my crazy urges. If only I could just be normal, like everyone else..." I'd ask myself, "If people really knew who I was on the inside, would they still be my friends? Impossible! Look how abominable I am!" This hell continued and got worse and worse. It almost became a thing to see how low can I stoop. What other ugly things can I do? I was a wreck.
I had streaks here and there, but they were few are far in between and none of them lasted over two weeks. I was beating myself up and falling again. "Why can't I just stop already?!" I'd shout in my mind. "Enough already!" It didn't even feel good anymore, but I still did it, like a loyal servant.
One bright morning, while sitting on the toilet, feeling like poop, I decided to "check out" GYE. I googled it and created an account. A few hours later I received an email from a guy named Efraim and he wants to chat with me. Okay, we'll see what he had to sell... My friends, that was the first time I ever felt understood! We had the most awesome conversation and then he gave me the number of am even awesomer guy named HHM! Trust me, I've seen awesome people - this guy is legit.
We started our 30 day thing, and it went well in the beginning, but then I started slacking. I really missed the easy and accessible self medication. I slipped here and there, always getting back up. It's not easy to break bad habits. But I kept on pushing.
About two weeks in, a younger bocher in my yeshiva approached me. He wants to make a deal with me that if he doesn't masturbate or drink alcohol for 30 days I'll buy him something. I readily agreed. I'm doing the same thing HHM is doing with me. This is crazy! I'm checking in on him every day, giving him support and advice, while I'm still fighting off my urges. But what bothers me is that I have so much experience with this, and I have so much practical advice and insight, why then can't I just stop already? I'm freakin' helping this guy while I can't even help myself! He's holding now day 20 while I'm back to day 1! What is wrong with me? Why can't I just stop already?
It was then when I realized that it's not about how much you know, but it's about who you're with. You could be the smartest and strongest person alive, but the yetzer hara is smarter and stronger, and that's why you can't do it alone. We all need support from each other, that's the only way out. אין חבוש מתיר את עצמו. And that's why I'm writing these lines.
I need your support, folks!
