To my fellow Americans,

I hate myself. Existence feels like a trap. We're brought here and imbued with desires that make us hate ourselves. We didn't exist before, and we're ripped out of nonexistence and thrust into the blinding light that is this situation. We're given these desires. If we act on them, we're punished. If we don't, we're rewarded. Its a contract that at the very least we currently aren't aware we opted into. I just feel like I'm on a slide with nothing to grab onto, descending with ease into a life of mediocrity. I don't like where I see myself going, I'm dating and not confident I'll get a girl that I like. I hate myself and hate that I'm writing this and being such a downer. Its 3:30 in the morning and I just m'd twice without porn bc of my filtered phone. If I'm lucky now I'll have three hours of sleep. And yes, I'll get up-- out of fear of my roommates judging me for not going to shacharis. Otherwise I'd probably sleep in. I feel like the more I fail, the more I'm pushing off my life, the longer I'm making it for myself before I get married. It's a terrible pressure, which probably doesn't help. Or maybe it does. I feel like I want to be angry at Gd but can't bring myself to be fully. I feel gross and repulsive.

Best wishes,

Barack Obama

I suggest establishing a routine before you go to bed.
One that involves relaxing.

The time does not have to be set i stone, but it should be an approximate series of steps to relax and feel positive before sleep.

Hey there fellow single guy! Your post sounds really painful. I and the rest of he warm GYE family are here for you. Maybe pick up the phone and call one of the pros on this site it can be really helpful.

barackobama wrote on 05 Jan 2025 08:43:

If you could choose now whether or not to opt in to the contract, what would you choose?

The torah tells us "V'yivez Eisav es Hbichora" - Eisav degraded the bechora by  selling it.
Rashi says he was worried about all the different restrictions that Kohanim have when doing the avoda eg: no wine etc.
Rav Yerucham ZT"L asks: Why is that gerading the bechora? On the contrary it sound like he is a Yarei shamayim? He is so scared to  fall short that he does not want anything to do with it!
He answers that it was the wrong attitude. He was correct when he thought about all the restrictions and took it seriously. However he should have focused on the unbelievable zechus it is to serve Hashem! The great reward that awaits him when he overcomes and does the right thing! The fact that he didn't was how he was mevaza the bechora! he should have seen what a great opportunity it is! (Rav Yerucham uses the same yesod to explain the gemara in Masechta Eiruven that paskens "Mutav lo liadam sheloi Nivra")

This is the attitude that we are supposed to have in life in general and in this struggle in particular.
Admittedly, this is easier said than done and I  myself struggle getting this idea in my head to my feelings in my heart.

Barack,
From the fact that you have such strong feelings when you feel you are falling short shows what a tremendous desire and drive you have to do the right thing!  That drive will get you a long way in this battle! Try to imagine what a great opportunity it is when you stay strong. You will be a powerhouse of strength and inspiration for so many! You will absolutely love yourself and life in general! You have what it takes! Speak to the great people, bachurim and married alike, who can help. (PY, can you please provide the contact information for some of the greats?) You will be"h be higher then you ever imagined possible and appreciating everything that you face. You will view it as the opportunity it really is.

Hatzlacha Rabbah and please keep in touch!

I feel like I just bumped into myself from my yeshiva days. Well, except for the getting up for shacharis part.

It gets better. Hang in there.

Mostly it gets better when you start actively choosing to live your life. Yeshiva can be a rough environment for that.

barackobama wrote on 05 Jan 2025 08:43:

I couldn't have said it better myself. (And I've said some pretty melancholy s***). In fact, I'll share the beginning of my journal entry of two days ago:

I can't help but feel that this is some cruel trick that God played on us. The very object of the male desire seems totally oblivious to the desire's existence.

I would tell you that there's light at the end of the tunnel, but to quote a Chinese platform philosopher:
Why did they put the light at the end of the tunnel? When we reach the end of the tunnel, what are we going to do with the light? Wicked world.

Also, the fact that you put in not one but two spoilers with no content in either one demonstrates the depth and intensity of the situation.

Hashemspeed.

To amplify my previous post in response to a pm.

There's nothing wrong with yeshiva. I love yeshiva, and some of my best years were some of my days in yeshiva. I did not ch"v mean to put down the yeshiva system in any way.

What jumped out of me from the original post was a sense of life dissatisfaction. And I strongly identified with that feeling since I spent a heck of a lot of time in yeshiva feeling that way.

Riddled with desire, not willing to give into lust all the way but unable to stay away. Feeling stuck and sliding into mediocrity. Wishing I could either buckle down and shteig or give it up and party but instead caught in between in some hazy twilight of day to day mediocrity. Unfulfilled potential. Unfulfilled desires for spirituality and lust.

And then throw into the mix the societal pressure to get married. Wanting to get married but caught somewhere in a devil's threesome between wanting to use marriage to escape yeshiva, wanting to finally fulfill some of my desires, and truly wanting to build a bayis ne'eman byisroel with my soul mate.

All that, combined with not enough sleep and feeling like a sinner leaves a guy feeling pretty gross and repulsive. And that's just a drop in the bucket of many yeshiva guy's feelings.

Here's a theory. Many of those feelings arise out of the fact that many of us want to be in yeshiva, but we're not in yeshiva because of that. We're in yeshiva because it's the only viable option. And because we're not choosing to be there wholeheartedly we don't completely shtell tzu.

In yeshiva, it's so easy to float. I'm not saying that if you come to most of the sedarim, come to most of davenings then people will leave you alone (although that's often true). What I'm saying is you can come and participate but also not be totally involved. Instead, on some level, you're just hanging out and waiting for something that you "want" to start happening.

I'm meandering here. But long story short. If you're not choosing to live the life your living you're always going to feel that pull to other lives. And since most people in yeshiva are there because they're following the path of least resistance they feel pulled to other lives. (Again, they may well have chosen yeshiva if they had a choice. But they're not there by choice. They're there from the path of least resistance.)

And the solution is just to choose yeshiva. Get fully involved (I mean physically too, and from the actions will follow the heart, as the chinuch says.) Choose to live your life, and automatically the pull to other lives will lessen. It's not easy, but it's the best way through this feeling.

Just some thoughts. I apologize for the lack of clarity.

chosemyshem wrote on 06 Jan 2025 16:17:

Love this post. I think its puts some clarity into many peoples yeshiva life