:I did not think that this is how my post-first post is going to look like but I don't want it to be outdated if I write it so here it is

Tonight (tomorrow really) is my 30th day since I started this war from fresh BH.

When I was zoche to light the menoire tonight after shkia it was something very big for me. The broches were very emotional especially when I made a shehecheyunu almost forgetting what the bracha is really referring to! I thanked Hkbh for my nes bazman haze of finding the path to climb up the mountain with so much support. (I would have said mountain of nisyoines and tumah until I get over it but today I understand to say a mountain of kedusha that I am climbing and becoming higher and better - though I still need much work internalizing the perspective) And I sang to myself 'Bren lechtile bren..' 'veil ayer fire is hielig un taye es baliecht di gantze velt' thinking about all the mesiras nefesh yidden here… who light up the dark world  (I lit in yeshiva so it all worked out)

(It reminds me of last year, I made a count (I then didn’t have the support from all of you) and day 30 was the first day of to mikaim D' Minim which meant really a lot to me and it was literally what helped me going, thinking all the time of that big moment. The day before was Shabbos and my machshoves racing and the nisyoines harder than ever and I fell!! I was broken and shut down as you can probably imagine, I didn’t know where to put myself. At the end I tried to be mechazek myself knowing that it's all part of the YH. I tried my best the next morning (mainly thinking that I couldn’t get a better simen of my hard work seeing that this is what happened Shabbos afternoon -with no ability to call anyone- on that LAST day before my so long waited day of celebration! Something only the YH is capable of) but it was happiness with a sting of pain. Btw after y"t I called... and he told me that halacha wise it doesn’t count as a fall but just very very close and I continued to 31!)