חיילהקבה wrote on 08 Jan 2025 04:34:

Hey, how are you doing, my dear soldier?
We haven't heard from you for a while...
Hope you're ok out there in the battlefield...

With love,
UpAndDown

I cried my way straight your thread, so many of us were alone for so long without any hope, just failure.
You should continue with only Hatzlacha

חיילהקבה wrote on 26 Dec 2024 06:14:

This mighty warrior has gone missing in action. We need to send out a search crew. 

upanddown wrote on 19 Jan 2025 21:15:

Hi,
BH still on track thanks for asking
The battlefield is sometimes hard to be in and sometimes its easier and other times it feels similar to the Russian - Ukraine battlefield with no news nothing much to talk about just a bloody fight but as hard as it gets its all better then being captive by the enemy - those are the feelings I have sometimes
But in the clear state of mind I am BH "shtieging away" on the way to big accomplishments (with the help of the gevaldige book The battle of the generation)

*

a new lesson I learned: the usual struggles for me are lengthy but the other day i came across inappropriate and unfortunately i could have done better but i pulled through not bad bh but a while afterward it came up and it was just a few seconds and i found myself very close to a fall bh i overcame the nisayon and learned yet another lesson in the battle

but in overall BH i am doing great! things have actually gotten easier and I would say not the actual nisayon and metzius rather bc the of gisha to the struggles -with the help of tbotg. Looking back the way I would get overwhelmed and lost and stop thinking logical when there was strong nisyonos I am scared to say it but its now a whole different game. I can think straight, gather strength and most of all it doesn't change mood! versus not long ago when it got me down and then the nisayon just became stronger in a way [besides my rest of the day...] 
The yetzer hara is still around, visits me very often and very strong but I feel it right in my hands to fight it if I push hard enough (its hard and heavy...]
another interesting point is that though i have learnt and known lots of maamarim of chizuk and hisorerus in these things it barely helped when i got stuck in tough times its now bh not like that in result of the percpective and gisha וד"ל

To my dear friends vechu'

Bh I have made through the winter clean and free lots of nisyoines and lots of accomplishments. Truth is that the excitement has faded recently but here and there it revived very much going into y"t very uplifted. Finally feeling a zman cheirusienu a real veroimamtunu and vekidashtunu. No worries the y"h made his way through the busiest of times also and then on the opposite chol hamoed when there's so much time. Going into the second days was fire with excitement shehechiyunu lazman haze there is so much I can write about this and throughout y"t while saying it so much I have made up then to be a real ben choiren to be a free man walking on the street not tied to desire and urges to look and think b"h I have fought a hard battle till here the tide has changed bh.

I have thought of writing a few times about my big accomplishments that Hashem ha helped reach till now but it never ended up happening now I am here to write to you something I have dreamed of at night something I have thought about and really really did not think it will happen no matter what.

Something not so exciting or rather very much the opposite.
I fell.
I fell flat. And this time it's not a dream. it's for real.
And you can (not) imagine what it feels like…
The pain is deep. It hurts for real.
it just hurts without having to explain it.
I have also lost the streak. No-more finally a successful bein hazmanim I was dreaming about no-more clean worked out sfirah days I am waiting for so many years… it's all lost.

But I know its atzas hayeitzer to sit bitter and that’s it. just it's easier said than done.
it’s the human nature to want to stay laying in the dirt after a fall or ac"p not to get cleaned.
Together with the help of חברים מקשיבים who hold me up to float higher than the wounds.
We see the kid that gets hurt or something doesn't go his way he isn’t interested anymore he wants to stay angry and upset at the whole world. That is what we are as humans to want to stay comfortable in the mud because we didn’t want to fall and we did. But on the other hand I can think of it the opposite I haven’t done this in so long, amazing, and furthermore now I have fallen and it hurts its very bad news but at least I am the person who fell once and not the person… I once was rch"l.

But it still hurts.
It still takes work to get up higher than the pain.

I did try to get it healed rather than just painkillers I have read chapter 11 and 10 in tbotg but I do think I could have done better putting it into practice think about it more in a way of utilizing it for further success to just get better and stronger to make it a turning point but it's just much easier to push it away and not to think about it but I am still trying.

I have been to many Dunkirk's until bh I have made to a D-day with Hashem's help and thanks to his sheluchem and with Hashem's help I hope that this will be the last successful offensive battle of the bulge from the enemy that we will turn its tide and win each battle with success.

150 days ago I changed my ways. I started a journey and that I will b"h not let be changed.

It may be a new count for clean days but the more important count is continuing its route bez"h something I will try not to stop for anything in the way bez"h.

By no means should you let a fall define all the success you've had by overcoming the y"h so many times over and over. 

The goal is progress, not perfection. You are an amazing person that is working to become even greater, and each day you keep going is another day of greatness. When we fall it shouldn't be looked at as we are a failure. I'm not saying that it's not difficult and painful after a fall, I am saying that when we get back up we come back stronger. Learning from our falls is how we create long term success. 

Long term success = not perfection
Not perfection = human
getting back up = super human

keep on Trucking, One Day At A Time!!

Late again...

My dear friend,
If you are looking for some chizuk check out אגרות וכתבים from R' Hutner letter 128. 
I think you can gain tremendous chizuk from it (I have...), but make sure you learn it well.
My friend, you can do this.
You must believe in the growth already achieved, and the possibility for extreme growth in the future.

KOMT!!