Just posting here, I mainly keep on falling, because I don't have filters. Been pushing it off for way way to long now. Obviously very scary to commit to the filter, because that would mean, I am no longer in control of doing what I feel like. Of course I fell last night, but back again stronger now.

I am making myself accountable by posting it here and I have committed to a very large fine - 4,500 NIS, If I dont go to the filter office this evening. 

I will update tonight, the outcome

highroller wrote on 19 Nov 2024 13:08:

Shalom, brother. 

Before thinking about knowing that you need to get a filter, have you thought about why you want to stop looking at inappropriate images? I mean truly desire freedom from it? 

here’s a warm hand, 
Chaim Oigen

Thank you for your response. Of course, I have been part of gye for a very long time, albeit on and off and fully aware of it all. Also try and follow the breslov way!
My biggest issue, is I can be doing really well and one slight minute of madness and it can all go downhill. 
I was currently on 16 days clean and one slight moment of just couldnt be bothered anymore and I had that chat up downloaded, actively chasing the high of a meet and ultimately ending up wasting serious amount of time and watching and speaking all sorts of horrible things. With a filter that moment will not be available and will be much harder. 
Bh at the beginning of November/cheshvan - really tried to change my habits and started putting in a fight, which got me to 16 days, very holy and then it all went downhill. 
Trying to get right on track now - signed up for a mentor and hopefully a filter will be that block that I need a lot of the time. 
For the last few years, it has just been way to easy for me, which meant that every time I kept on falling - A lot of times I would get to around 20 days or in that region and then will be back to square one. So the process, will be for the first few days, not really think of it, because would have made a strong resolution to not do it again, then a few days in, the thought will come up and then I will try and fight it, Until I just lose the fight or get bored or let my guard down. 

highroller wrote on 19 Nov 2024 13:08:

Welcome, my friend! Very commendable to put a filter, and the work you talk about in the subsequent post is beautiful

Just one correction, my friend. You write that the filter would make you not in control. Actually, the internet unfiltered is what's making you not in control, and a filter will restore your possibility to control your life. Of course, the filter is just the hakdama, and then there's the work you need to put in to change your inner self. Just keep reminding yourself: The filter is not taking away your control, it's putting you back in control

Looking forward to watching you soar!

Glad to hear you are looking to take huge steps!

When you say " Obviously very scary to commit to the filter, because that would mean, I am no longer in control of doing what I feel like" Do you mean you're not sure you can handle not having "your fix" in case of emergency? And you're not ready to give that up? Or do you mean you don't want a filter so you can tell yourself that you are in control and don't need a filter.

Keep up the great work and Hatzlocha!

"Just one correction, my friend. You write that the filter would make you not in control. Actually, the internet unfiltered is what's making you not in control, and a filter will restore your possibility to control your life. Of course, the filter is just the hakdama, and then there's the work you need to put in to change your inner self. Just keep reminding yourself: The filter is not taking away your control, it's putting you back in control"

Very true @eerie - I like the thought. I am totally not in control, when i get a strong urge and when it is so readily available to me - I always feel like someone/something else has taken over me and is controlling me. Once I am in the motion, I don't get back to normality, until I am finished my business.

Avrohom wrote on 20 Nov 2024 04:58:

I have had a filter in the past and it was great, just makes the option unavailable or much harder and definitely abit easier to stay clean. The previous time I had a proper filter, I went 121 days clean. I was also going to SA then, but long stopped that. 

I have definitely been pushing off sorting the filter for a while now, because as your say that would take away the option of getting a fix if needed. 
There is also that element, that I tell myself, that I don't need a filter, but I think I am long past that stage now. There is no option but to at least have a basic filter to block over 18 stuff - the option to have  it so accessible is definitely not good at all.  

Ok the big update - Did I get the filter on the eve of the 19th November?! Unfortunately the answer is NO, but I will preserve and keep on trying and will try and make sure to stay sober as well. 
Will I be paying the large fine, which I proposed on myself? I am under the impression that I don't need to pay it, due to being a major ones (אוֹנֵס)

WOW THE YATZER HORAH WORKED HARD ON THIS ONE, TO PREVENT ME FROM GETTING TO THE FILTER OFFICE.

I was inclined to put a fine, as I had been procrastinating for way to long about this filter and it was actually starting to annoy me. The fine will make me do it and I also set alarms as reminders. 
So what happened in the evening? The filter place is open between 8-9. As I was about to leave my house, I had abit of an unsettled stomach -diarrhea style, so I did my business and then I was ready to go on my way, or at least I thought so, what happened later on, has shocked me as well. Sorry for any graphic details. 
So I left my house, and had a parcel to drop off, so I dropped that off and then I was I ready to go to get the filter. When I was dropping the parcel off, my stomach started feeling funny again, but was nothing major and I thought would be ok. But then as I started driving, I thought before I go to get the filter, I will just go back home and do my business again, it wont take long and then straight to the filter place. As I was driving home, my stomach pains, were getting much much worse, to the point were it was way to painful and unfortunately I did not make it home in time :-( What a serious mess lol. Took me time to sort out and by the time it was to late, the office was closed. 
I am so embarrassed and shocked about this. I am normal healthy adult, prob the last time this has happened was over 30 years ago, when I was a little baby. There was only one answer, the yatzer horah could not have me go and get the filter and oi how hard he worked to make sure that didn't happen.
I was a little bit depressed/annoyed - I am trying to do something good and this was was the outcome. This was new levels of madness, prevention!!
I stayed radio silence on here, as was to embarrassed to even write this, even though no one knows me. 
The yatzer horah wanted me to feel, how certain people feel after a wet dream, but I did not let him - It is totally out of my control and I cannot be blamed for this. 
I spoke to Hashem and I said I need some chizuk about this point, maybe from a shuir, that I listen to, they should just happen to talk about it and it came from the email which I get from Reb Dovid Ashear. 

"Persevere

It may happen that when a person sets out to do a mitzva, he runs into obstacles. He then continues trying to do the mitzva, but the obstacles get harder to overcome. He may think to himself, I don't understand, I'm trying to do something for Hashem. Why would He keep trying to stop me? Does He not want me to do the mitzva? The answer is, for sure He wants you to do the mitzva, but He wants you to get the most out of it.

The harder a person tries to do a mitzva, the greater the mitzva becomes. If it gets extremely difficult to do, and the person continues to persevere, his rewards for that mitzva will be unimaginable. The Sefer Sas V'Imratecha tells the following story, which took place a number of years ago.

Two great Rebbes, who were brothers, arranged a tish on Tu B'shvat, and suddenly, at around midnight, one said to the other that they hadn't done the mitzva of Birkat HaLevana yet. This was the last night to do it, and there were only a few hours left to get it done. The problem was that it was overcast with thick clouds, and there was a very slim chance that the moon would appear in the next few hours.

At that time, they were in the Zichron Moshe  shul in Yerushalayim. They decided to travel towards Yericho, and hopefully spot the moon there. They figured that the eastern part of Israel was hotter, and maybe had less clouds. They were approaching Yericho, and were stopped at a checkpoint. The sky there was filled with clouds as well. They asked one of the soldiers if they could put out a message asking soldiers in other locations if anyone could see the moon from where they were stationed. The soldier was dumbfounded by the request, and asked the Rebbe why he wanted to know such information.

The Rebbe told him about the mitzva of Birkat HaLevana, and how there were only a few hours left to do it. The soldier put out the request, and almost every reply was negative, except for one, who said he was near Me'arat HaMachpela, and he was able to see the moon. The Rebbes became so excited, and urged their driver to go there immediately.

The soldier told them by the time they got there, the moon would probably be gone, but they didn't pay any attention to him, and they hurried there at once. When they finally arrived, it was two o'clock in the morning. Baruch Hashem, the moon was still visible, and they recited Birkat HaLevana with great jubilation.

Even though it was very late, and they were extremely tired, they wanted to take advantage of the fact that they just did a mitzva with great self-sacrifice. One of the Rebbe's sons was with them, who was married for twenty years without children. They decided to go to Kever Rachel to pray, and there they prayed from the depths of their hearts, and miraculously, that year, the Rebbe's son was zocheh to have his first child.

The value of a mitzva done with great difficulty is enormous. If we ever set out to do a mitzva and we run into obstacles, it's a gift from Hashem to enable us to get a much bigger mitzva for the very same deed, but it requires effort and perseverance. Hashem never wants to stop us from getting a mitzva. He only wants to make it better for us.

Amazing, dear Brother!

When someone is backed into a corner, they come out swinging with everything they've got. You've got the YH pinned down and this is his desperate final stand. 

Hatzlacha!!!

HHM described it to me as follows. 

Would you have non kosher food in the pantry in your house? Even if you don't eat it?
Of course not. Coz your kids might eat it or whatever. 
Same with filter. 
You can't allow access to non kosher material in your house even if you will try to not go on those bad websites. Having it there is not good for us. We know what happens when it's ready and available. 


But like other people mentioned, having a filter might stop porn, it doesn't stop masturbation and it isnt foolproof. Most people can get round a filter. You can buy a smartphone for $30 from target. 
You need more than just a filter. You need strong desire to clean up. 
So you are here, in the right place. Reach out to the warm chevra here. They will help you like they helped me and so many others. Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha on your journey to true freedom.