Hi All
Im a Yingerman in my 30s, I have a good life BH
I'm a Ben Tora as well as running a very successful  business ,I'm very well married with a awesome Shulem Bayis. The Mitzve is brining for both of us a great enjoyment. We have a few kids BH.
I was never Nichshel in M I never knew what P is and was very rarely having a wet dream, so why am I on GYE?
Here is the thing

From my very early age I was very attracted to anything inappropriate, it went so far that I was fantasizing my father going around shirtless and thinking that in non Jewish homes you go around without clothes which must be extremely enjoyable.


I was always a very Chshive Bucher In early Yeshive Ktane I had relations with a fellow Bucher I always thought that its not a huge problem since I didn't touch the Iver which I thought is the worse although I was releasing Zera everytime.I remember that when I met him in that  period I was drawn to do it and he was playing like he is not so interested, i couldn't understand how he is able to resist.Finally, we stopped and I went on having regular yeshiva without incidents in Kedishe Inyunim.I always knew that I was very much attracted to this stuff so I made my own restrictions which was very hard but I knew that this was the only way I could survive. For example, I have a white list and I'm not driving although all of my surroundings are driving, on the other hand in the bedroom, I pushed it to the max within kosher boundaries and we both enjoy it very much. I have a liberal Chusen Teacher who also helped me implement it. In fact, I constantly asked local rabbis if what I was doing is within limits and received their approval


I used to be able to sit at a kiosk without an issue; however, recently, things have gotten worse. I find myself every few weeks having a Michshol, which could be trying to find holes in the filter. For example, I browse Shutterstock for inappropriate stuff, even if the picture is blank, If I can read the description, it gives me lust. Even within my white list, which includes Amazon and Fiverr, when the urge comes I would try to search for whatever I can find. Ironically I blocked the screen with my hand not to see the pictures but I still inherited the lust
A few months ago I bought a new device, and the night of opening it I remembered to set it up only on the couch where my wife is around so I'm protected, however after checking out Nuchem Rosenburg and Kave Shtibel I found myself in toilet searching for the worst, my self excuse was that I'm doing it just out of curiosity to see what you're really able to see on an unfiltered device, this is where I came across porn the first and hopefully the last time, again I tried blocking the screen. fortunately enough I was with my wife that night so I was able to use all the built-up Tave in a good way.However to my question now, yes I'm no longer going to a kiosk, and yes I blocked Amazon, but whenever I'm on a site that I just use like Fiverr I have an irresistible urge to search for whatever I can find. Also if I need to go to a kiosk I have a crazy urge to search. So my question is how do I fix the root of the issue??? and how do I control an urge? I want from being able to use temp an unfiltered device without Nisyones to not being able to sustain Amazon

hopefulowl09 wrote on 13 Nov 2024 20:32:

Welcome.  The yetzer hara works I’m strange ways. He can lurk in the background for a long time and then come out seemingly out of nowhere when you are not expecting it.  

filters are a wonderful way to prevent accidental exposure or to delay acting out when our willpower wanes, however as you have indicated filters won’t change your internal desire.  

I don’t know if there is a Yiddish equivalent to The battle of the generation, I found that book helped shape my perspective.
In order to be able to resist the temptations I needed to be excited about the opportunity that these challenges present and feel good about the times I was resisting.  Once that perspective was in place the battle became much easier.  

wishing you much hatzlocha 
vehkam

Welcome! 

Thank you for sharing, and great questions in your post. 

I think if you'll look around (don't have time to link any posts, sorry) you'll see some other guys who are on here who also haven't sunk to "p and m" but have urges/shmiras eineyim problems that were hurting them so much they came on here to get help. And help they got indeed! Particularly, I think amevakesh has some stuff about this on his thread if you can find it. 

Hatzlacha and KOT!

Welcome to the warmest family in the world!

Here, as you have started seeing, you will find true care, concern, and warmth.
Here you will learn that you CAN break free!
There are many tools here to help you in this fight.
There is the F2F Program, the Vaad Program, the book The Battle of the Generation - many have found this very helpful in reframing the struggle.
(Captain, link again? )

There is also an extremely powerful tool of accountability, friends, and mentors, as has been mentioned, that has helped hundreds - myself included.
HHM - Hashem Help Me - is the mentor-in-chief around here. He's reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. Eerie - 1gimpelovitz@gmail.com, Muttel - muttel15@gmail.com, and iwannalivereal - iwannalivereal@gmail.com are a great place to start!

Looking forward to seeing great things from you!
And don't forget, as always, KOMT!!

Welcome, Heimishe Brider! 
My dear friend, stick around, learn the ropes, there are great things to learn, you can learn to rewire your way of thinking about lust, and beH you'll continue growing in wonderful ways!
Feel free to reach out, my email is in the signature