Hi I am new here I'm Chasidish so I have bad anglish, sorry, but yiddish gye's is not so active so i'm comed here to anglish forum, becuz I'm want all people from all backgrounds to help me and giving me support.

Really chasidim have אביסעל different probloms den everyting i saw on the other posts, becuz we are BH very sheltered, for bucharim ladys are treif so we never seeing them BH (its very good thing) but problom starts a littel when im buccher i do m... almost no p... cuz we dont have internet, almost only from looking on ladys in street and in news papers, but when i get chasuna start the big problom, my chussen madrich says almost nothing other then the haluchus, as far as s... im told 5 - 10 minutes before and 5 minutes after, so its very not happy ting.

in the begining its yu good cuz im dont nowing about p... or all the other treife tings, but its not so ecsiting, and also becuz were so shelterd and suddenly we have a lady, im ecsploding, its such a new ting, so after a few weeks im falling and ציביסליך im finding out about p... and den everyting goes down and down and down.

also anoder big problom is that we have diffrent way of dressing, no nice sheitlich, no tight clothing, alot ladys look very yunchy, and wen i see litvish ladys im very jelus cuz they look so nice and dress eye catchy (thank you HHM for edit) make me feel left out.

 agen im very דאנקבאר for our system cuz like dis we very sheltered but we also having probloms.

EVERYONE please help me even if you not chasidish and dont understand my problom im still wanting everyone to help 

im loving all jews.

also if you chasidish plees rite here your story also, like dat im now im not alone, maby you also have de probloms i have so how do you fixing it? קענסט ענטפערן אויף אידיש אויב סאיז דיר גרינגער

tank you everyone

Welcome.  Big need for this thread. There are many guys out there that were educated in the chassidish system - which does work very well for many of them but creates a disaster for anyone that at some point unfortunately was exposed to the bad stuff. In addition, some guys, even though not exposed simply cannot handle the restrictions. One slight correction, and please forgive me, but over here we are very sensitive to others. You may not realize, but "litvish ladies" (or as you wrote - ladys) dress tzniusdik. I assume you meant to say "ladies who dress in eye catching styles" or something like that. Nothing personal, just let's be careful when referring to different kehillos (chassidish, litvish, chabad, sefardic, etc.)

Anyone who is fielding calls or chatting with chassidish guys on the site has to tread a careful balance. We cannot say that their bedroom mehalech is wrong - it has been their mesorah (and possibly it was originally everyone's mesorah...) for generations. At the same time realistically, once a guy has been educated by online garbage, it is almost impossible to get clean without switching over to what we push over here as appropriate intimacy. Maybe someone can direct us to a chassidish rav to help clarify.... 

BabaYakob Welcome to gye!!

Great place here, great friends such as Reb HHM.

I read your post carefully.
This has NOTHING to do with Chasidish.
ZERO.

And I’ll prove it to you.
I have a question for you (only).

Pray tell me, if you were born ‘Litvish’, how different would your life look if you struggle as many of us do?

Cont. to previous post

FAT WIVES
Is another thread on GYE. 

Some people like Fat some like ‘em Thin. 
Some dressed up, others dressed down.

Some people were born in a sheltered environment, others in open ended, yet others in amish land…

It’s easy to box each guy into his own head and make a thousand different threads. 
Each man to his own. 

When the best thing in fact is to join the group, oh and LIVE, because that’s where a lot of the healing begins. 

Baba, are you ready to take that brave step?

I'm Chassidish too and we all think that Litvishe have it easier but I learned that It's not true... Even more modern circles with more exposure to woman, the struggle is the same. Maybe it's a little different but the struggle is there too.

Ok 1st thank you Reb HHM for giving me the זכויה to have you post in my posts.

And I'm really sorry, I fur sure didn't mean to say that litvish ladies are not tniusdik, חס ושלום I ask everyone מחילה for it sounding like that, I 100% meant what you said that they dress more eye catchy, but we have some have shpitzlech, some have front's and some have hat's but I fur sure dont have open sheitel, also most of us have very little make-up, so i'm sorry and i'm going to fix the 1st post.

Also Reb MARKZ, I dont understanding your question, I want to do anything to fix myself, so what should i be ready for?

Reb Dreamyunicorn28 Thank you for your chizik I hope 1 day to feel what you say

Also I'm using talk to text and autofil, so i think my English is a little better

Hashem Help Me wrote on 05 Nov 2024 12:36:

Thank you Hashem Help Me for your post.

I appreciate that you addressed this within the context given by our friend Baba Yakob. To be specific: his Chassidic background, and the misery it caused him.

I can relate to a lot of what Reb Baba is going through. I actually do feel that context is important. Yes, its true that everybody out there has some reason or another for their challenges, but why not address each person according to his specific situation and help him work it through?

Especially when it comes to matters of sexuality…it's really hard for someone who hasn’t gone through it to fully understand the literal dichotomy that exists in a community that has that level of isolation. The pain, guilt, shame and fear. The feelings of being torn, feeling like the worst rasha, feeling like a shiegetz gamar for things that are not even remotely problematic from a Halachic standpoint. And not daring to mention it to anybody, because, "what will they think"?

It causes such a huge amount of pain and “messed-upness” that you can scarcely imagine.

Do other people have other reasons for their struggles? Yes. There’s depression, trauma, abuse and a host of other heart-rending issues so many people here have shared in their stories. Yes, there are stories of "litvishe" etc also struggling etc…if you are reading this and are not chassidish, and yet feel you've been through the same torture, fine! Nobody is negating your experience.

Are the solutions/tools similar for everybody in recovery? Perhaps…

But Reb Baba deserves some empathy for the situation he’s been through.

Baba, here’s a warm, squishy hand!

Hashem Help Me wrote on 05 Nov 2024 12:36:

Will ChaimOigen get upset if I presume that he is Chassidish?

Everyone's story is so similar yet so unique at the same time. So validating and being empathetic to everyone is a must! 

Doubling up on HHM's point that this is a very important thread. I'd like to point out a couple of things.

1) Believe it or not, some Litvishe here find Chasiddishe ladies very triggering in spite of their more conservative style of dress, so you never know what yenem is struggling with...

2) Most importantly, you deserve a ton of credit for coming out here and sharing your story! Your struggles are our struggles! I feel for your falls and getting hurt by sudden exposure.....

Your coming here and sharing your battles gives us all more chizuk and ammunition to fight the Yetzer Hora with each of supporting the next...

Keep going ברידער and I look forward to seeing you sharing your wins here very soon!

With brotherly love,
Muttel

dreamyunicorn28 wrote on 05 Nov 2024 16:07:

You beat me to it. We all share struggles. I know a litvishe guy who spent many hours looking for chasiddesh "p***" on the web...... (won't say who ;-))

We all support and understand each other well...........

Shalom Brother BabaYakob,

Welcome to the family!

I love what everyone is sharing and want to add a variation of something I posted previously when discussing single bachurim vs married guys struggles.

There is a valid point to what you are saying, but it also risks focusing on this struggle (and struggles in general) the wrong way. 
Are you looking to separate your matziv from others? That is barking up the wrong tree. 'You' have different struggle. ‘I’ have a different struggle. And ‘He’ has a different struggle. Splintering based on differences can continue until no two people are the same and there is no cohesiveness or community.

We want to be careful that we are not unintentionally excusing ourselves based on being in a harder different situation.

We need to approach and properly deal with the root.

This is a 'me' problem and it needs a 'me' solution. All these other factors are indeed valid variables that matter, but their effects are a byproduct of your situation, not the solution to it.

You can get advice that is more tailored for you and it will be helpful, but it should not be considered a totally different circumstance as far as where the focus of the work needs to be.

To specifically talk to the typical Chassidish vs Litvish way of dressing – I hear you, but you can always find other women to look at for any number of reasons (which I think is part of what MarkZ is saying). Goyish vs Jewish makes no difference – they are all not for you. These other women may be particularly difficult for you to see and want, but that is an everyone problem. Thinking that Litvish have it easier/better is not only false, but more importantly it’s unhelpful as far as the work you need to do.

We are acheinu kol beis Yisroel. We all have struggles and we are all trying to work on it.  Let’s stick together and together we shall succeed!

Hatzlacha and Kol Tov

FYI: Have you heard of Mutzo Tov? They are a Yiddish-based organization with great material on marriage and intimacy. You can email them info@mutzotov.org and it might be an additional helpful resource.

R' babayakob, welcome to the amazing GYE family. I'm sorry to hear that the yiddish site isn't working well for you, but I'm glad you're here, it's our gain! Just to echo what R' Muttel said, while I have no doubt it's good for you to find friends with a similar background, you should know that we're all struggling with different shades of the same beast. Stick around and get to know the oilam, there's nothing like true friendship to beat this, the highest level of קנה לך חבר! This YH feeds on loneliness, BH you found GYE, you'll be lonely no more!

With much love,
iwantlife

Looks like I'm late to the party.
I really don't have lots to add to what everyone else here has already said. I really think this is a great thread, and I admire your courage dear baba yakob for coming out in the open and not being ashamed of your spelling mistakes or your differences that you have with a lot of other dear friends here.

Yes your struggle is somewhat unique and different than most what you see on other threads, but the actual struggle is still the same, as dreamyunicorn said and as MUTTEL explained, everyone tends to see the grass greener on the other side, but the actual struggle is still the same.

As I've already told you in the starting P after marriage thread, please reach out to the great people here like HHM and MUTTEL, EERIE and all the other great people here.

Your struggle may be more chasidish geared, but your help can come from anyone and everyone, I personally got to know chasidim that MUTTEL helped tremendously {MUTTEL your litvish, no?} . And the same goes to all other great people here 

Keep it up and keep us posted 
With love akiva

rebakiva wrote on 05 Nov 2024 18:00:

If you call an einikel of the Kozhnitzer Maggid, Berditchiver, and the Mareh Yechezkel (Dej/Karlsberg) Litvish 

My Zeides may not be too happy with me.........