Hi, this is my first time posting, I always felt my struggles (currently) to be relatively minor, and sufficed with coming on the site here and there to gain some chizuk from all the incredible people part of this community. Recently however I my struggles have become more significant and the pain of holding it all inside is to much to bear, so here goes...
  I grew up in a home with open internet and I started viewing inappropriate material from when I was 12, I was quite confused and ashamed of it but having received zero education from my parents, I had no one to confide in and silently carried my struggles inside. At the same time I was pounding away in the beis medrash completing one masechta after the other. In 9th grade I left home to a prestegious Mesivta out of town, in hindsight I think I was driven to go b/c of the tension at home between my parents...but i dont want to get sidetracked. I was lonely and craving connection and friendship, and I found it in my roommate. We began to get close and than he began to educate me in these inyanim that I was clueless in. Eventually he started to touch and get physical sexually, and it felt really good in the moment, but afterwards I would be filled with shame and confusion. Through a cursory purview of the relevant sources in the rambam and shulchan aruch I concluded that I was chayav kares and had done irreversible damage, I was hopeless. Eventually I built up the strength to break off our relationship but the damage was done, I felt worthless and detestable and my learning began to falter, I floated my way through the rest of Mesivta and chose a yeshiva closer to home. 
 In Beis Medrash things continues downhill, I began running around town with a couple friends not learning much. I was at this time exposed to porn and although I didnt always have access whenever I was home I would inevitably fall and I would masturbate all the time. This went on for a couple years. Than I went to learn in E"Y and I was committed to start learning again seriously, I succeeded to an extant and I didnt have access to porn B"H, but I still stuggled with m. I still coped with underlying feelings of shame and worthlessness which affected my learning but overall I turned around. 
 After I began shidduchim I was determined to not fall again with porn and for 6 month before my wedding I was clean. For the next year and a half I stayed clean. During this time I began seeing a therapist to address my underlying insecurities (which btw I only realized might be a result of what happened in 9th grade after picking up From Boys to Men by Dr. Shloime Zimmerman and recognizing the effect of no education etc..)
 That brings me to the current, I live in E"Y and have an amazing wife and child b"h, however I have been struggling finding satisfaction in my learning and being that im in kollel and spend most of my time doing just that, with life in general. I've been feeling empty and depressed and this led me to turn again to inappropriate material online. I have good filter at home which has protected me from real explicit p, but there are enough holes in it to see plenty. Now that I am married I find it to be so much more painfull when I fall, I have a great marriage and I feel like I am cheating on my wife. I feel even more wothless and disgusting than ever and I need some chizuk from the oilam. I fell twice in the past week and I feel that the more depressed an terrible I feel the easier it is to fall. Im not addicted b"h, but the pain is overwhelming, I feel like im right back where i was 5 years ago. I hope and daven that I can get back up and put this behind me before it gets worse. ( I skipped over a lot of details in my story, but i dont want to be to cumbersome, so I hope I gave over the general story well)

Welcome! Thanks so much for sharing your story and welcome to the GYE family! I'm going to suggest that you start with The Battle of the Generation guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation
to help frame your outlook about yourself and the challenge, and be in touch with the chaveirim here! Hatzlocha!

Welcome to the forums!!
What a great first post. It's bringing up so much of my own trauma, I really relate to everything you wrote as I've gone through most of what you describe myself..
It's so painful, I feel for you my brother... and no doubt you will get this beast behind you very soon iyH and become that loyal husband and father you want to be!
As you have correctly analysed - at the moment the main problem is the emptiness and dissatisfaction which is making you feel depressed, causing you to search for other pleasures and to act out. Based on my own experience, I would like to suggest that before (or while) trying out the many great tools that are available here on GYE, you do something about that problem. If your learning isn't satisfying you then maybe you should do a course or study something online in the evenings? (If you want some ideas, we can bit via PM).
I found that doing something on the side - not only did it make me very busy (תורה שיש עמה מלאכה משכחת עוון), it also helped me emotionally and gave me a fresh geshmak in my learning. Now that I study something and do some other work on the side, I began to looove my learning again! I have 3 chavrusos and give shiurim and treasure every moment. While just a couple of years ago when I was full time in Kolel I was resenting every min and feeling depressed.

Wishing you tremendous Hatzlacha!
Keep us posted!
חזק ואמץ
UpAndDown

Good morning!

Firstly, sharing your story is a big step in the right direction. Even if you don't feel it right away, it like shedding a Boulder that was sitting on your shoulders for years!

I spent years in Yeshiva and Kollel feeling just like you. Empty, unfulfilled, depressed. I so wanted to shteig and grow, but the clutches of fantasy thought and masterbation was too strong. Oiy, how many times I spoke with my RY about my ups and down in learning. And he would give me all these different ideas to stay on track. All I wanted to do was yell, Rebbi don't you get it. It has nothing to do with burn out or anything of the sort. It's because of the evil clutches of p and m. But I was too ashamed.

Tzaddik, the best thing I did, and I did it recently. I called of one of the great gedolim on this site (HHM). His guidance and help has been such a balm, and so encouraging. 

You can, and you will ovetoomey this YH. Use the tools and this site, and reach out to someone to help guide you.

Hatzlocha. Davening for you!!!

Wow! What a detailed and revealing opening post. 
You have a big story. You are carrying years of pain. 
Here's a very warm welcome! You are amongst friends. We feel for you. So many people here have stories that are similar to yours. 
I won't give any advice as you can see from my streak that I am a freshie and don't have the skills or knowledge to give advice regarding your problem. 
But I can tell you to stick around here. Spend some time reading other people's threads and you'll see people who have very similar challenges to yours. 

I would recommend that you reach out to the professional on this site. There are many warm and wonderful, kind hearted individuals who can guide you and lift you up to your true potential. 
HHM, Chaim Oigen, Eerie and more. 

Please post more of your feelings and emotions, and continue sharing your story. 
May Hashem bless you to have strength and lift you up during this shaky time in your life. 

ouch that is so painful, to read I'm sorry for what you went through. Regarding that you felt terrible and thought u got kares that simply isn't true. From what it sounds like you were probably an ones(ones rachmunas patry), you had no education or anything. In addition you wrote that you have been a year and a half clean,the kedusha you have attained is always there, (the word kodesh actually means enteral,thats why when we get marred we say hareinu at mekudashes le). A mashal that always gave me chizuk is someone climbing up a huge mountain, there 6000 feet above the ground and they fall and scratch there knee. I ask you should they climb down or patch their knee and enjoy the view.the same goes for you don't climb down just strengthen a few of the gedarim and enjoy the kedusha you have attained!! WHISHING YOU HATZLACHA 
from a trying bochur.

Jumping in here on this powerful thread!

How painful to read your story! The good news is that here at GYE there is hope. Hope to break free. Hope to have the correct self-perception and self-worth. Hope to live the life you want to live. It's within reach....

I'd also jump on the bandwagon to reach out to Hashem Help Me (michelgelner@gmail.com). I've been helped along with many others...

Muttel

 Welcome to the community. It sounds like you have been through a lot of pain. Hopefully through posting and working through your struggles you will find healing. It is worth doing the Flight to Freedom program. If you have mild depression socializing and exercise should be enough to heal. If it is more than that it is worth doing behavioral activation which I described here:
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/399000-My-long-journey?limit=15&start=45#422020

HHM that people are mentioning is Hashem Help Me, the main mentor. His email address is michelgelner@gmail.com. He has helped many people including myself and you won't regret reaching out to him. Keep on posting and sharing and make friends.

Welcome to the most amazing family around! No matter what you eat for breakfast, we'll have you join our family! We care about you, we want to hear from you, so please keep sharing. Stick around, ask questions, connect, and you'll beH soon be on your way out of this mess. Your pain is terrible to read, and beH you'll be able to out an end to it real soon
Harzalacha!

Wow!! Im at a loss for words, the chizuk just knowing that im not alone is incredible. I feel like its a gamechanger, this is my first time sharing my struggles with someone aside from my therapist, but receiving support from people who have been in the trenches and fought this vicious battle themselves is so much more meaningful, were brothers in arms! I can see the light at the end of this long dark and dirty tunnel!