For the past 20 years I found solace in Shir Hashirim, but particularly in the first part of פרק ה', but I would always get stuck in the second part.

Disclaimer: I know some of my interpretation of the words are inaccurate, but as I once heard from my rebby, that רחמנא ליבא בעי means, that hashem likes any teitsh so long that it is מעורר you to become closer to him, and as I’ve  heard from Rav Brus that R’ Chaim would give shiur which would be interpreted multiple different ways and they all were true, same is with the Anshei kneses hagdola, all interpretations on tefilla are true, so long as it brings one, closer to hashem.

Starting at פסוק ב', אני ישינה, I’m asleep, totally uninterested, although וליבי ער, I really love you hashem, my heart is open and I’m waiting for your love, but still even when it’s קול דודי דופק פתחו לי, I’m asleep spiritually, I just don’t feel you, as your not the central part of my life that you should be, even when you tell it to me, by saying, אחותי רעתי יונתי תמתי, שראשי נמלא טל קוצותי רסיסי לילה, that as a part of klal Yisrael I’m considered your sister/wife, yet I’m still totally uninterested, פשטתי את כתנתי, איככה אלבשנה, I’m already undressed and in my pj’s ready for some P&M, so how should I just ditch the false excitement of P&M, and just get back dressed, רחצתי את רגלי איככה אטנפם, I’ve already washed myself down, gotten ready for a night full of bad stuff, I already wetted my appetite, so why and how should I just get myself dirty and run after you barefoot, like we’ve done in the Midbar.

But then, דודי שלח ידו מן החור, you stuck your precious hand through the keyhole, begging me to open up the door to my heart and let you in, you showed me the great love you have towards me in any situation I should find myself, as bad as I should be you still love me, ומעי המו עליו, and my guts just turned over, my whole body started to shake in love for you, I couldn’t hold back any more, I dropped my bad intentions of P&M and, קמתי אני לפתוח לדודי, I jumped out of bed, got myself dirty for your sake ran barefoot to the door tried to open it up, but, וידי נטפו מור, ואצבעותי מור עובר על כפות המנעול, I just couldn’t open it, my hands were all wet from sin, my fingers just slid down the doorknob, I just couldn’t get to you.

Finally I managed to burst through the door, and פתחתי אני לדודי, but, ודודי חמק עבר, you were already gone, it’s no more the days of the בית המקדש when hashem was a central part of the day to day life of every jew, a time when the שכינה was בגלוי, now I have to actually search for him and bring him and internalize him into my life, and it was, נפשי יצאה בדברו, I was crying in pain and was passing out when speaking about you and your love for me, I wasn’t ready to just give up right then and there, so, בקשתוהו ולא מצאתוהו, קראתיו ולא עננו, I went searching for you, but couldn’t find you due to my sins, I yelled and called your name, But you didn’t answer, at least I didn’t merit to hear your answer.

As I stood outside searching for you מצאונו השומרים הסובבים בעיר, הכונו פצעונו נשאו את רדידי מעלי, שומרי החומות, the outside world caught up with me, obviously they didn’t me to return to you, so they beat me up, undressed me, and sent me back into bed with the P&M, that left me all bruised up, that’s all the while I’m crying out to them, השבעתי אתכם בנות ירושלים, אם תמצאו את דודי מה תגידו לו, שחולת אהבה אנו, I still love hashem even while I’m back to falling into this garbage of P&M, I just can’t help myself…

That’s part one, it always gave me extreme solace to know that Shlomo Hamelech was already referring to me the struggling Jew who just can’t help himself, and saying that hashem still loves me there in the dark place, he’s still willing to reach out to me and show me his hand and love. Had Shlomo Hamelech stopped here, I would’ve been happy, knowing that this is the way of life, you struggle to find hashem, to feel his love, and that’s it for life, but Shlomo Hamelech continues on to something that I was never able to relate to.

After describing my version of my love for hashem Shlomo Hamelech goes on to say in,פרק ו', אנה הלך דודך היפה בנשים, אנה פנה דודך ונבקשנו עמך so where did hashem go to? , דודי ירד לגנו לערוגות הבושם hashem went to the beis hamidrash לרעות בגנים וללקוט שושנים, to watch his children learning his holy Torah, and to collect the beautiful flowers, chidushei torah of his children, and that’s how and when we become close to him. Now this is something I never was able to relate to, how’s that the solution? {now don’t get me wrong, I love to learn, I always did, but that still never helped me with my struggle of P&M, yes I know the חז"ל, "אם פגע בך מנובל זה משכהו לביהמ"ד", and "בראתי יצה"ר ובראתי לו תורה תבלין", but lets face I’ve tried it millions of times, but it didn’t at all help me, in fact when I dragged the YH to the BM, I was so focused on my fantasies, that I couldn’t even hear the shiur, or my chavrusas voice, sometimes I intentionally learned through all the אגדתות and אגדות מהרש"א, on the whole masechta, hoping to find something triggering, so how am I supposed to feel any closer to hashem?}

But this Shabbos it finally hit me; Now that I’m clean for quite a while, I’ve started finding hashem everywhere, wherever I look I find hashem’s hand and love, it’s no more like I used to think, that now post Beis Hamikdash era, hashem’s no more a central part of our life, now I know that it’s up to us to bring him into our lives and make him the central part of our lives like he should be, For years I’ve been teitsh’ing what we say in the Hagada, ובמורא גדול זו גילוי שכינה, that if we want to achieve true Yiras Shamayim, there will first have to be gilui shechina, which will come along with mashiach, when the Bais Hamikdash will be rebuilt, now I’ve finally come to see that it’s 100% up to me to be megaleh the shecina in my life and therefore achieve true Yiras Shamayim.

Not that I didn’t know this all along, I’ve been hearing this concept from everyone all along, but it always was like “yeah right tell me about it, I’m a sinner, there’s no shecina here”, but now its like “yeah right, I’ll tell you about it, although I’m a sinner, there’s shechina all over, just gotta bring it on”.

Now that’s a new teitsh in בראתי יצה"ר ובראתי לו תורה תבלין, not that I’ll distract myself through the torah, that proved to be worthless for me, but rather it’s to find and immerse myself in hashems love through the torah, just let his love flow through my veins, let the light of the torah and hashems love turn on, that’s the torah tavlin.

Once that registered in me, suddenly from the depths of my heart I heard a silent, but piercing cry, yelling, אני לדודי ודודי לי, הרועה בשושנים.