Hi everyone I sincerely owe everyone a huge thanks so I guess I'll share this.
You see this past shabbos I discovered that I have a very terrible 26+ hr cue a cue that I genuinely do not know how to deal with, I suddenly discovered what I used to do the entire shabbos walking to and from shul when obviously everyone is dressed nicely etc.

Although this week I had a pet tied on a leash to me it was a humongous ugly dark green skunk dripping in greece from the last garbage he devoured with a really ugly red bloody tail & it reaked all around him {found the fox} & with a deep thick dictatorship voice he was telling me to keep on looking just like in the past, I must admit I tried but that definitely wasn't enough.

In reality the only thing that really saved me was a combination of this ugly skunk along with my newfound community that I just know I cannot let down as well as rabeinu HHM who I know that I am accountable too just thinking of the moitzei shabbos text stating that I didn't hold back on looking gave me the adrenaline to fight this ugly skunk.

So therefore I owe this entire great community a huge thanks for saving my shabbos and eventually my life 

Thanks a million 

Struggling like crazy the last 3 days, I feel like I want to give up not that I might fall just that I deliberately want to give up , having a real hard time 

Not that I think it's going to help me I know I'm going to regret it terribly and I'm going to hate myself even more etc. and it doesn't actually make me feel good... Bla bla bla
It's more of a feeling like I wish sex and masturbation would have been a good and encouraged thing to do.

Please help me get through this cuz I know that deep down I really don't want to fall

Hi, and welcome.
By the way you are joining many maggid shiurs and marbitzai Torah on this forum.
There is actually a disproportionately higher number of maggidi shiur etc. here in GYE, myself included.
Please fell free to talk. You can private message me and we can take it from there.

With a warm hug...

Thanks I'd really love to PM you and privately chat with lots of people here but I'm only here for 24 days currently and my private chat is still locked for about another 8 days 

 I guess I'll just have to wait it out 

Hyom tisha v'arbaim yom sheheim shivah shavuos v'shivah yumim le'kedusha and finding myself.

I'm finally out of the מ"ט שערי טומאה, and entered & conquered the the מ"ט שערי קדושה.

I have no words to describe my feelings, But this time is definatly different then the last 20+ yrs of this great battle, I think it's for a few reasons.

1. The main reason is because this time i'm not alone, I finnaly have a whole community of understanding best friends who really care to fight along side one another, friends that really care, friends that really understand each others struggles, friends that provide the best support, and mostly friends that give a listening ear at any given time.

2. This nisayoin, ain't TABOO anymore, it's finally something that we're allowed to and encouraged to talk about open and freely, which has the benefit of admitting to ourselves who we really are and what we need to change in order to achieve our greatest self.

3. In combination with 1. & 2. I'm finally not that walking stirah, aka rasha, aka sheigetz, anymore, just a normal human being who was created to naturally lust over the ezras nashim, but it is controllable.

4. The definition of "urge" doesn't mean p&m anymore as it used to, just instead it means "GYE forum's, GYE tools, f2f program, and most of all talking with friends and mentors".

5. The YH is totally not chal anymore, i'm just totally not goires him at all, therefore when experiencing urges and fantasies, it's mamash not toifes makom, I won't even fight it, because if I will fight it then I'm showing the YH that he after all is chal to some extent.

49 DAYS AGO:
I was alone, nobody cared about my struggles,
I was a sheigetz, a walking stirah,
I was a cheating husband, 
I was differnt then everyone, more of a mental retard, if would've really wanted my life to change, I WOULD'VE NEEDED A THERAPIST,
urges & fantasies automatically, meant p&m,
unavailable wife automatically meant p&m,
if I was in a situation where p&m wasn't available, I would be far away in fantasy land, and ANYTIHNG would get me mad
being with wife meant s... not intimacy.

BUT NOW:
you get it, i'll just say that last night after a week and a half of my wife finding reasons for not being available, we finally made time shabbos night, so first we sat down and played a game, just enjoing ourselves together, there was lots of true love lost between us, then when we were ready for bed our baby started crying and wouldn't calm down till way past 2, but at about 12 I just told my wife to not overdo herself and wait for the maybe, just go to sleep and it'll be ok.
had this been 49 days ago getting excited after finally waiting for a week and a half, I would've had at least a 3 hr fantasy session with at least 3 m...s, but it's BH 49 days later

Thank you everyone no words.
whishing for the best for all of you.

This is totally me. 
I'm not rejected or rejected wheny wife isn't available. 
It doesn't make me run to the bathroom and release. 

I can relate to everything you wrote. It's amazing how we can change ourselves in such a short time. 
2 months ago I was completely lost. I was broken. I thought I was sick and would still be doing P when I'm 90 years old. 
Not anymore. 
63 days completely kosher and have removed the hell completely from my life. 

You sir are an inspiration to myself and to all the new people who will read your story and they will know that it is absolutely possible to be clean. 
And it doesn't take long. 
A few weeks and you can be clean completely. 

BH for GYE, BH for all the great people on here. 

The Chovos Halevavos says that someone who helps others become sin-free are on an even higher level than the malachim. 
He's specifically referring to the Giants here who help others remove the sickness of P and M from their lives. 
You are higher than malachim. 

Hi everyone I have a major win to share with everyone today, a win thats not mine, just all of the great GYE users.

I'm by nature a very warm, emotional kinda guy, but as a man I gotta control myself and be cool:cool:, But today I just couldn't control myself, I was in tears a few times today, whoever followed along with the threads today, probably noticed a lot of pain, from our fellow brothers, but much more than that was the warmth, the willingness of everyone to help another, no matter what it takes.

I say that because besides for everything that was written up here on the forums, I've had my share of seeing what goes on behind the scenes, and I'm not talking about just mentoring or talking with others, I'm talking about MALLUCHIM doing crazy things just to help a fellow yid, just to make ONE person feel comfortable and that he's not alone. 

I know I shouldn't really be putting this out there {why should anyone know of weaknesses and that I'm an emotional guy, not that strong cool MAN}, but I just can't help myself, my tears weren't tears of pain, just tears of love to hashem for creating such a courageous beutiful nation, people that are way beyond human, and tears of love to all of kllal yisrael.

I feel like everyone on GYE is just as incredible, special and courageous, as the incredible HATZALA volunteers, just that our volunteers are for spirituality and the neshama instead for our guf.

LOVE Y'ALL I have no words. Akiva 

This was my feedback email to GYE today:

Hi I have no words to thank you for what you've done for kllal yisrael in general and for me personally.

I like most people who joined the GYE community (as I've come to see), used to think that I'm the only person in the world struggling with P&M, I always viewed myself as two people, one who leads a fake outside life, is an accomplished Rebby in Yeshiva, someone who's known to his talmudim as the best Rebby, the one who helps his students especially in the struggle of inyanei kedusha, a person who is beloved by his wife and family, chavrusos, and friends, Yet the second person, I always felt was a mental retard, a sex addict, a liar, a faker, and most of all a traitor, there I am helping 15 year old bachurim with struggles in inyanei kedusha, when I myself am a sheigetz.

I would always look around at the people around me and think why did hashem create a whole nation of kllal yisral of people who are genuinely chashuva people true to their values, and only one traitor and liar in all of kllal yisrael, who by coincidence happens to be me?

For years I've been running to therapist's thinking that, that's my only way out, but after two sessions I would drop out because I just couldn't afford it, and I got scared that my wife would start to inquire about where all our money is going too. Which is when I started running to Rabunim, but because in my head I was the only person struggling with this, I would be ashamed to say the full truth of what I'm doing, so I would only say that I struggle with inyanei kedusha and I feel that I should give up my job of being a Rebby, although they were all mechazek me and told me not to quit my job, I never got the help I so desperately needed.

Then hashem randomly sent me the meaningful people podcast with the founders of GYE, which was the first time I've ever heard about this wonderful life saving community. A community which first of all gave me validation, and I suddenly discovered that I in fact am only one out of tens of thousands, I'm not alone. A community which made me realize that I don't need therapy after all, and that I'm perfectly normal. A community where helping each other with the utmost warmth and care is number one priority, with volunteers who do the same work that hatzalla doe's for our guf, GYE does with our neshama. A community or better said a platform that teaches the right tools and gives training for our soldiers on the front lines, on how to WIN in the battlefield, through the great f2f program, and all the great videos and shiurim.

And so I signed up and joined the warmest and greatest family in the world, I was sort of in a depressed state when I signed up, but my eyes were lit up when literally a few hours after signing up, I received a email from GYE headquarters, and with such warmth suggested that I reach out to my first mentor HHM, in the beginning I was kind of ashamed and hesitant to make the call, but after rereading the email a few times and feeling the compassion, love, and warmth, I felt ready to make the call.

That, I must say was a life changing experience, I finally had a human being who's listening to me with compassion, and really understands my struggle and pain, it was bliss, he was a live human being, not just a knowledge that there are more people struggling with this, nor was he just a character like donald duck who's reaching out to me online, he was a real human being with real ears that were available and understanding of my plight.

I threw myself into the f2f program at full force, I drank the the daily emails with thurst, and I shared my struggles with the warmest family on earth, and read other people's struggles, over the awesome forums.

My first 3 weeks were hard, or better yet very brutally hard, but with people to talk to on a daily basis, even when it was just shmoosing about anything and everything, just to distract my head from the strong urges, was the best medication I could've ever been given.

And then after about 26 brutally hard day's on the battlefields, a dark cloud finally lifted up and went up & up & up hopefully never to be seen again. That was when HHM texted me that he would like me to start helping others, I was in shock at first, I still considered myself on risky turf, but his belief in me gave me the courage to throw my self into the front lines once again, AS A HATZALLA MEMBER, life has never felt more accomplishing because now I'm doing it knowing that I'm not a traitor anymore.

WHAT HELPED ME MOST:
1. Knowing that I'm not alone, I'm not sick, I'm just a normal human being, one out of tens of thousands.
2. Talking with precious people on a daily basis, mentors, and friends alike, over the phone or in person especially, and on the forum's as well.
3. Dov's shiurim (combined with HHM'S explanation's) on "HUMANIZING HER"
4. The find the fox method, helped me understand that I'm not fighting the thing that I really believe (at the time) is tempting, rather I'm fighting the little ugly green dog with a red bloodied tail who's trying to control me.
5. The mindfulness breathing, really helped me separate the urge from myself, and then just watch it fade away.

There definitely are a lot of other tips that really helped me a lot, but these were the main one's.

I have no words to thank you for everything you have provided us throughout your platform. Hashem should give all the berachos there is, all your prayers and wishes should be fulfilled, and you should have only nachas from your family, and your second family, the GYE family.

Thanks with love, Rebakiva.

P.s. If you find this email as an inspiration for others, feel free to publish it as you wish. I don't mind if you even leave my username on it.

Just one win for today:

As a curious kinda guy (back in the day, especially when it came to women), I could've and would've had a fall today, I was driving home from yeshiva, when on the way there's this van filled to capacity with a {obviously} jewish family, and they're clearly driving parallel to me, windows wide open, and the whole family's steering at me... {classic jewish example}.

All I can say is that I will never know who it was {could've just peeked only at the husband, but I didn't}, or even how they looked, whether it was a modern, yeshivish, or chasidish, family.

Thank you hashem and all my dear brothers here for giving me the strength to win over my curiosity.

Love y'all Akiva

Lots of greatness in this victory. Not giving in to curiosity attacks the root of the problem! Keep on infusing these forums with your refreshing inspiration!

A first in my life:

Yesterday while being together with my wife who's usually more to the quiet side, doesn't show too much emotion, and usually just replies "I love you too", Now for the first time in my life she said "I love you so muuuch", then added "your such a giving person, you give me so muuuch"

Thank you hashem for bringing me here, thanks hhm for picking up my head, thanks muttel for holding my hand, thanks eerie for explaining to me what true intimacy really is, {I'm not resenting it anymore, since you explained to me that its not about me giving and giving and not receiving anything in return, but really its US giving and taking loving and loving each other} and thanks to the whole GYE community for trucking along with me and turning my lights on.

Reb Akiva, I've been a little busy lately and haven't been on here much. Just read through your thread. MAN, YOU BLEW ME AWAY!!! What beautiful courageous posts! Watching you grow, following your story, just so beautiful!!! Keep it up, and keep sharing!

Just piggybacking Eerie here. I just saw this thread for the first time.

Reb Akiva, you are already using your tremendous kochos to bring Tahara into the world, but boy will that grow!!!! 

You should always be on the helping end and continually give our Father tremendous nachas!!

With a ton of brotherly love,
Muttel

Hi everyone currently at day 58. up until day 26 was brutal, felt like hell, then things calmed down, but today...

I dont know what it was I woke up in good spirits then during shachris, random thoughts just started making it's way into my head, and had me on edge all day long, I bh didn't have any falls, maybe 1 or 2 2nd looks, but also not real looks just my head picked itself up on it's own, but my eyes basically didn't see much, I more or less managed to control it.

I just want to be honest with everyone about my situation; 

In the hakdama to sefer igros moshe chelek ח' they write a story of this parsha on this topic, When R' Moshe Feinstein was Rav in livon, a person randomly got very sick and within one week was on his death bed, so R' Moshe came to him, the dying man asked everyone to leave the room, then he told R' Moshe that last week shabbos parshas vayeira, he spoke not nicely about the bnos lot that they were not ashamed to name their children Amon & Moav which literally means that they were born through znus with their very own father.

The sick man said, that night 2 old women with covered faces came to him in a dream and said, we are the bnos lot and we heard your complaints so we came to answer to you, they said "you should know that we were from mishpachas avraham and everyone looked up at us they would believe is with whatever we'd say, so much so that we could've even claimed to have the children born through Hashem and start a religion just like yoshke, but we chose to let the world know that kids can only be born through a human father and mother therefore we named them in a way that everyone should know exactly how they were born".

The sick man finished off by saying that because he spoke lashon hara and so bashfully about them, he's getting punished like the meraglim with a blown up tongue and now his death.

I remember learning I think it was the Chasam Sofer that says that the reason why yehuda was zoche to mushiach ben david and yosef was only zoche to mushiach ben yosef, is because although yosef stood strong against a really hard nisayon, but yehuda admited in public his guilt for the story of tamar when he said צדקה ממנו.
maybe that can also be the reason why mushiach ben duvid came from rus a direct descendent of Moav, because according to R' Moshe they admited to the whole world of their guilt.

Thanks to all the great warriors here for holding my hands during the hard times.   

And kudos to you for hanging your dirty laundry here!

Youre an emese tzadik doing so much for Hashem…..

How I wish I could’ve heard your sweet voice last night……

With a heart overflowing with brotherly love,
Muttel