I haven't written in a very long time, but better late than never....
Today marks six months clean for me. It's a very exciting milestone, one which when I started I didn't believe I was capable of reaching.
There was one time before, in my eleven years of struggling with inyanei kedushah, that I managed to go six months without falling. It was a winter zman a few years ago, in an ibur yahr, and the learning was going well, yeshiva was wonderful, and I didn't want to mess up my zman with the challenges and fallouts of acting out. So I controlled myself the whole zman. But it didn't last. Came bein hazmanim, I was home, and bored, and lacking the motivation that the zman had provided, and conditioned for many years already that bein hazmanim meant giving in, and reassured myself that it would anyway only be bein hazmanim but come summer zman I would go back to being careful - and so I fell. And never really managed to pick myself back up. (Until the wonderful day Hashem led me to GYE, but that's a different story I wrote about a different time.)
But this time is different. So different it's not even a comparison. Those six months, while an achievement I still relish and take pride in, were essentially an exercise in whiteknuckling. I was determined to stay clean, so I buckled down and did just that, but without any internal work. More like I decided to ignore the fact that this was a challenge for me and to pretend it didn't exist. Which worked up to a point. But inside I was more or less the same, so when the battlefield shifted slightly, and I was caught unprepared and unmotivated, I went right back to the way I had always been, like a taut spring snapping back into place.
But now, in the last six months, I have been zocheh to learn how to truly make a change. And it's been a learning experience which has taught me so much on so many levels. Among them:
- To acknowledge my challenges as a real part of my life - not necessarily a pleasant one but a real one, one which needs to be addressed and dealt with, not avoided and shoved under a rug. And to realize that it's okay that I have this struggle. It's normal, there are so many other wonderful people who deal with this (sometimes I ask myself how it could be that the truly amazing chevra here have these challenges, but that just drills the point in further), and the only thing that matters is how I step up to the challenge and put in the work I need to.
- To build positive motivations which can keep me excited about winning my battles, rather than trying to hold myself back with only negative feelings like focusing on the shame that I'll feel or the other drawbacks of giving in. To feel the thrill of being in control and of doing what's right and what gives nachas ruach to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, instead of feeling the frustration and pain of "losing out" by not succumbing. TBOTG has been an incredible tool in working on this.
- To develop the proper perspective regarding what really brings fulfillment and satisfaction and what I really want in life. Realizing that chasing sexual gratification is to run after an illusion, to drink salty water which will never quench my thirst. That my neshama desires something infinitely more, a life full of meaning and purpose and kirvas Elokim, and that false substitutes will only take me further and further away from where I want to be.
- To work on long-term techniques for dealing with urges and challenges - urgesurfing and distractions and finding positive, productive alternatives to keep my mind busy with.
- To identify underlying triggers that lead me to seek the escape provided by acting out. Knowing when it's coming from stress, or emptiness, or boredom, or a bunch of other possible reasons, is always helpful even if I don't have a way of taking away that unpleasant feeling.
- To understand how to view my previous mistakes, by acknowledging that they happened and they were mistakes, and being wistful for the innocence and tahara I lost, but at the same time to not be broken by it, rather filled with a resolve going forward and a determination to now do my best, understanding that right now that's all that really matters and this is where Hashem wants me and what He wants from me.
All of this is an ongoing process. I still have much to learn and understand with regard to all of the above points. But I know inside that I am a changed person from six months ago, and what I have been zocheh to internalize thus far will b'ezras Hashem keep me going in the future.
My mentors and chaverim here on GYE have been more than an indispensable part of my journey. You are everything I have. Everything I know I learned from you, each conversation adding so much depth and insight to my understanding of the inyan (I would credit each point I wrote above to who I heard it from, but truthfully much of it is a conglomeration of many exchanges with many chaverim), every day that I am successful is only because of your constant caring, support, and chizuk.
With tremendous shevach v'hodaah to Hakadosh Baruch Hu and all of His dedicated shluchim,
Yekusiel
