I’m sitting next to my eishes chayil on a plane writing this note about hitting 90 days, that followed a fall, that came after 180+ days (that my father bought for two zuzim). Obviously I don’t know how I might have felt if it was a straight 270, but I can say I am so grateful for that fall and what it taught me.

You are never too late. That first streak after joining GYE or getting a mentor is by no means your “last chance.” This whole space exists to allow me and you to genuinely remake ourselves in this area and to help us get to the place where we believe we actually are not stuck — if I find myself having thoughts that contradict that (“Even with all that support you fell?!” “It wasn’t real change” “Now the real you has shown itself”), I know those thoughts are rooted in the very same YH I came here to overcome. And slowly but surely, one day at a time, with endless siyata deshemaya, I am. We are.

These have been the best 90 days yet. The cleanest and the most filled with authentic shteiging. AND DONT THINK THERE HAVENT BEEN CHALLENGES LOL. I wish my eishes chayil getting her period on day 6 was the worst of them, but it doesn’t even make the list!

אנא ה׳ הושיע נא

וזכּני

א.ע.

It's been a great week. I have some time today home alone which is rare. When I arrived home I immediately went to grab my computer, excited to get to spend some real time on GYE forums. A thought occurred to me: not so long ago, I used to feel a familiar excitement in this type of situation -- I was excited at the "opportunity" for a nice long session of mindless internet surfing, and inevitable filter poking, and... well, you know how that (d)evolves. Thank you Hashem - I feel so lucky to be among those who run to this bastion of self introspection, aliya, and avoda, instead. Ashreinu.

I had some urges the last couple days, and even texted for shower accountability one night. This morning during davening I was reflecting about these urges, and it just burst forth from within me that what I wanted so badly, and what I continue to crave, is closeness. Real, meaningful connections and relationships with people and with Hashem. BH I am zoche to have this to some extent, and I do not take that for granted, but I feel as if the need is more acute by me (and by lots of us on here) than it is by many others.

So I constantly nurture these relationships in order to feel nurtured myself. But even in a strong relationship there are moments of feeling more and less connected - and it is simply a need of mine, as essential as the air I breath, to be constantly striving towards a state where the "less connected" moments are minimized as much as possible, and the feeling of closeness is maximized. I am doing this in my relationships with people more successfully than in my relationship with HKBH, but they all require constant effort.

As I stood there during retzei, thinking, oy, how I need that closeness... I can tell you that it brought me to tears, but I don't really have words to convey how deeply I feel this need. Of course, the old stuff I used to chase was a misguided attempt to fill this need. And as I've moved away from those poisons, as hard as it is sometimes to live without any escapes, I feel so much more in touch with my needs, and I have so much more in the tank to invest in those relationships I need so badly.

Reminding myself of what eerie wrote a few months ago:
"The urges don't define me. My choices do. Urges are not a sin. Nor a sickness. And BeH they'll pass."

Thanks for reading
AE

Hashem, please see how your nation is so good!

I really relate to the need for closeness. I have this void in me from childhood, and I dont think it will ever be filled. I hope to be able to make peace with it. But that doesnt mean I have to be isolated. BH I have and will form more meaningful and healthy connections with real people. Part of that avoda is to keep my thirst from affecting the healthy pace of connecting to others and Hashem.