Hi all,

First, I’d like to bless this amazing safe place that benefits so many that are ashamed or have no one to turn to for help. This is the way the internet should be used!

Unfortunately, I’ve been exposed to pornography and masturbation at a very young age, and I’ve been struggling with it for over 10 years. The “best” I’ve done is a one time 4 week period without it. Besides that, it’s been a roller coaster of shame and spiralling regret. I think the one thing I truly believed which might’ve been at the core of my issue is that something around me is going to change this because I have no control over it. It’s almost like I was justifying it because nothing had come into place to hold me back yet, and I was just waiting for it. 

Bh I had my first child a few weeks ago and I’m on my 30th clean day, a feat I haven’t been able to achieve in 10 years of struggle. I think the realization came just a little bit before having my child that external things wouldn’t alleviate the internal struggle. As was common for me, I was looking forward to it as I was sure that finally having a child would somehow save me. But this time was different. I was honest with myself and knew having the child wouldn’t change me, I’d have to change to have this child.

Bh I’m looking forward to, with Gods help, never fall again and own my mind again and own my life again.

Amen 

WOW what an amazing post, And MAZEL TOV for your new baby.
WOW 30 clean days is an humongous achievement, specifically after having a child, (which could be an emotional rollercoaster, which would make it harder to fight)

Reb 1111,

Welcome to the forums!
Its a wonderful place.

A big mazal tov on the birth of your child! May you have asach Yiddish nachas.

congrats on the 30 days!
How does it feel to accomplish this after a decade trying?

Welcome to the GYE family!
Mazel Tov!!

Here, as you mentioned, you can find the way out.
You can break free!
There are a lot of tools available, as I'm sure you've seen. (F2F, The Battle of the Generation, ect.)
Read around, find some threads that speak to you, and, as always, KOMT!!

(If you are daring, and ready to take a leap, I'd recommend reaching out to HHM - Hashem Help Me. He is the mentor-in-chief around here and has helped hundreds, present company included. He is reachable at michelgelner@gmail.com. If you aren't ready, take your time.)

1111 wrote on 09 Aug 2024 06:43:

Mazel tov on 30 days clean.  Having a first child is an incredibly emotional time.  Your whole life now revolves around this incredible gift from hashem.  The emotions and focus will eventually die down.  You have a wonderful opportunity now (while the yetzer hara is not on the radar)  to strengthen yourself in a way that you will remain committed to kedusha even when that happens.  Find a few small things that inspire you and make them part of your daily routine.  Those will be reminders that you are a person that says no to the yetzer hara and does not give in anymore.  

Mazel Tov! Mazel Tov!
wishing you incredible hatzlocha and growth
vehkam

Welcome and a double Mazel Tov on your clean month and on the birth of your child! To your credit, you have realized what it takes others many many long years to do. As the great ר' אלעזר בן דורדיא said אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי. He came to that realization only after he exhausted all other options. I find what you wrote very interesting. When I used to watch things I shouldn't, I was filled with thoughts such as "if my parents/ siblings/רביים/friends only knew what I watch....". These thoughts would fill be with shame and disgust with myself. But nothing compared to the feelings of shame I experienced when I thought "what would be if my own precious children knew what Tatty was watching". The one's that look up to me as a guide and mentor with respect for who I am and what I stand for, for me that was the worst feeling I think I experienced. אשריך that you're taking the bull by the horns before your child grows up. May you be זוכה to heal completely, and with the message of אין הדבר תלוי אלא בי pushing you forward, may you never experience those feeling of shame that I did.

As PY mentioned, the best thing you can do for yourself is to reach out to others that have been where you are and are now living lives that are lust free. It takes courage, and it's not easy, but the dividends are more then worth it. The people here are the nicest, non judgmental understanding, people you will find, and they have a lot of experience. Besides for advice they can offer, they will become your friends, and there's nothing like a friend when things get rough. The things that plague many of us, are not things we would be comfortable sharing with our friends in real life, so having the ability to pick up the phone and talk to someone who you're comfortable and understanding can make all the difference. Hatzlacha Rabbah on your journey!

Joining in to the group welcoming you- for real!
It's amazing that you got where you are holding, and now, with the help of Hashem and the friends you'll make here, you'll keep flyin' higher and higher!!! Looking forward to getting to know you

Hi Horizon,

Thank you for your wishes. Amen! 

I honestly haven’t spent enough time on dwelling on the past and how much of a change this is. I appreciate every day that goes by where I’m free, and I’m just trying my best to ride the momentum of these precious moments to propel me as far away from this horror that’s been the last 10 years. 

I’ve tried everything in 10 years. 
Tried the fear method, the reward method, the hitting rock bottom, and all had an impact but never lasting. I think the best remedy is honesty. Allowing the emotions and guilt and shame and regret take their turns but then being honest about who I am and what I want to achieve and how this thing is not going to let me get there. 

Bh this free gift from Hashem is probably the best he’s given me after my child.