menuchashanefesh9 wrote on 29 Dec 2024 02:44:

Chanuka is mesugal for a zman Aliya. I’ve been following your thread and share in your accomplishments as you obtain menuchas hanefesh. As you noted in your posts, the chizuk from other Chevra on Gye really goes a long way in battling the urge. That has helped me more than the other Material on the web site. 
aleh vehatzlach! 

hey. it's been a while how are you doing?

Hi to all my beloved members of the GYE community, It's been a while since I posted and I am way overdue... but I just want to share at least this for now. BH this week my counter hit a year. In fact I just noticed that I started this thread on 8/1/2024. 

I have tremendous gratitude to Hashem for helping get here and particularly for the path in which He took me to get here. Last summer I was living a life of freedom, achieved through the help of GYE and all the amazing tools I learnt from the site, both from the F2F program and tremendous wisdom shared via the Forum. But when I fell flat on my face- quite hard- I was shattered. I felt like I was back at square one- my streak of 373 days clean gone and as if my work had gone down the tube.

Out of utter fear of never being able to achieve my goal I did what to me seemed like the hardest thing I ever had to do: reach out for help. Tisha B'Av night I sat in my car- terrified beyond-- and dialed המבקש's number-someone whose own journey I had been following from afar and it had resonated with me. The rest is history as they say...HHM was my second call.. Muttel my third.. A few weeks later Eerie was my fourth.... and a few weeks later PY was my fifth.... and together they all, and many more, helped get me to where I am today.

אין מלים  to express my love and הכרת הטוב I feel to all my friends here. I daven for you all always and absolutely feel connected in such a deep way.

There's a מדרש I heard years ago (I think a ילקוט שמעוני) that says that ט' באה was supposed to be the original date for יום כיפור (and יז תמוז to be ר"ה and ראש  חודש אלול to be a long joyous סוכות). Instead after the חטא העגל ושבירות הלוחות on י"ז בתמוז plan B had to be implemented. Those days were transformed into days of tremendous sorrow and a month full of fear , אלול. But after we experience the growth of these times can we now experience a  ר"ה, יו"כ וסוכות . The destination is similar, but the path looks very different. 

Last Tisha B"Av I was broken-- I felt like i was hopeless.. This year I see that it was just the path Hashem had in mind to allow me to get to where I really needed to be: in a place of freedom surrounded by friends like no other!! Thank you Hashem for designing an amazing Plan B.

I would like to expand this to something which has really caused me much turmoil throughout my journey (struggles, and freedom). It plagued me thinking of how much could I have accomplished, how different could my life have looked without this lust struggle??? But today I am at peace with it. True, I would've chosen a different route, but as long as today I am in a place of freedom, with a deeper understanding of Kedusha, intimacy, and myself, than I happily accept my fate. Thank you Hashem for a hard, but yet worthwhile and remarkable plan B.

May all of Klal Yisroel be זוכה  this year to reach our final destination, and may Tisha B'Av become a day of ששון ושמחה- the holiest of days- a יום כיפור  as it was always intended to be.

I sign off with tremendous gratitude to everyone here and Hashem Yisborach for helping me achieve what once was only a helpless תפילה, a life of מנוחת הנפש

I realized yesterday that this Elul will IMYH be the first Elul of my life where I return to the Beis Medresh without a fall over the summer. I owe so much to HHM and all my friends for helping me get here. I wish I knew how to write a poem, but instead I'll at least post a bit of a ramble about my emotions right now (maybe someone could use AI to formulate a poem for me??!)

Thank you my dear Father in Heaven for creating the GYE community as so much I truly owe to it!! It is hard to put into writing what I feel I have gained from GYE. I came to GYE b/c I needed to kick bad habits of 20 years, but what I have gained is so much more than just that. I would have to cover every part of my day to fully note the change that has occurred, but I'll attempt to write a small samplings.

1. I awoke in the morning excited for the day, not with a feeling of eventual defeat and sadness knowing that either at best it would be a day of constant fight and withholding, or at worst end with a fall that would cause pain and sadness.
2. Simple chores involving walking down the street, pickups for my kids from babysitters and camps were a pleasure, affording me an opportunity to ENJOY the feelings of control as I chose not to look. My attention was not occupied by looking or not looking, allowing me to instead enjoy pleasurable time bonding with my kids.
3. Spending time with my wife was enjoyable, not a means to get a release.
4. Learning was a time to think in learning, not mixed with fantasy or fighting bad thoughts, or fighting negative feelings.
5. The list goes on and on and on and on and on, but one last one: The pre zman anticipation is one of excitement for Elul Zman as a time for continued steiging, not one of sorrow with stress of the past and not a seeable long term solution for the future.

Hashem, from the bottom of my heart I thank you you for creating GYE and I thank all of you for making it the very special place (Beis Medresh) that it is. Every Beis Medresh in Klal Yisroel is special and contributes its own unique mark and GYE is no exception. The Sugyas learnt here are vast but they all fall under the umbrella of one Heiliga Sugya: "The Holy Neshamos of Klal Yisroel seeking true Growth".  A place where everyone can be open while being embraced by loving and accepting friends.. A place where people are being genuine and through this real growth unfolds. Growth that is truly all encompassing. This is a beis medresh I want to be associated with forever!


Lots of love and gratitude,

מנוחת הנפש

I can defiantly relate to your post, although I'm still not as far as in the fight to freedom you are but the feelings are very similar bh, B"H broke 6 months clean last week, and the emotions are just going wild, when i started this round it sounded that it will be the same as in the past, but bh with GYE family it's a different fight all together, the tools and support that this org. has to offer is just so amazing and of course can't forget of HHM, the time and chizuk he has for you makes you feel that you're probably the only person he helps. so today erev R"C Elul, has a different meaning then in the past, it's getting ready to ask Hashem and of course thank him for the abilty to start a clean pure life and hope it continue on this path. let me finish with a thought on ראה.... את הברכה ואת הקללה that the eyes can be the biggest ברכה and unfortunately can also be the biggest קללה..... depending on how you control them. let's all go into this Chodesh Elul by making the right Hachunes to this new yr to come.....