I want to to update my dear friends a bit on my past few weeks...

THANK YOU HASHEM FOR HELPING ME FALL TWO WEEK AGO!!!!

Now this may sound off... but let me explain.

From the age of 12 until today (more than two decades) I struggled with lust. My struggles did not bury me, but they weighed on me.... heavily. I am on open guy, have forged deep meaningful relationships friends, Rebbeim, and Talmidim, but this part of me I kept secret... and this secret-- a normal, common, not even too crazy, but inner struggle stayed inside me all these years. This secret weighing down on me did two things. It forced me to fight this fight myself, suppressed from proper tools to fight it, effectively prolonging my endless battle with it and without any ability to truly beat it. But moreover, it made me carry the burden alone. And boy did it hurt. It hurt because I had to do it alone, but it also hurt because I was beating myself up way too hard without proper context of what  this struggle was all about. 

And then Hashem was kind enough to put me in a situation that I had no choice but to reach out. I had literally just completed a year streak, a year of tremendous fight, endurance, and sweet freedom. I thought I had this damned thing beat!! I now know I did, but I didn't. I was no longer dependent on it, I was a free man, but I was still alone. And this is exactly where the Yetzor Hora wanted me, because as long as lusting is your own personal struggle- he will blow it up out of proportion, making it seem like an impossible unbeatable monster, and also cruelly make you carry the guilt alone. So when the Yetzor Hora got me good after a great clean run I was utterly terrified- this monster needed to be defeated once and for all. But how???!! So I reached out to you Heiliga Chevra, Malachim (in a human form), and boy did it change my life...

Reaching out was the next hardest thing I ever did (besides for breaking free for the past year)... actually ten times harder. Which showed me that this was the Yetzor Hora's most demised tactic. I trembled as the phone rang, I even cried as it dialed, and I cried some more quietly a bit as the the Tzadik lovingly applauded me for calling and my amazing courage in the fight. And then after the initial first short call I waited with more excitement (and a little nervousness) for later that night (tisha b'av night, no less) to continue our conversation. I do not have enough words to describe what type of kindness and Middos he displayed each and every minute of these calls. Utter perfection in the מדה of נשיאות עול.

I then reached out to another, this time the head honcho, MR. HHM himself, and boy was that the next most important move of my life.. His name in my contact list is now saved as Hashem HELPED ME!! What a Chessed from Hashem every minute of that conversation. And now as I hope continue to forge relationship with fellow Yiddin, each so special, so helpful, I feel as if I am now equipped in a way never before.

So to those who I have spoken to, THANK YOU, for those who I hope to speak to- I can't wait, and to that damned Yetzor Hora I tell you-- now I got you where I want you!!

Thank you Hashem for helping me fall!

I want to to update my dear friends a bit on my past few weeks...

THANK YOU HASHEM FOR HELPING ME FALL TWO WEEK AGO!!!!

Now this may sound off... but let me explain.

From the age of 12 until today (more than two decades) I struggled with lust. My struggles did not bury me, but they weighed on me.... heavily. I am on open guy, have forged deep meaningful relationships with friends, Rebbeim, and Talmidim, but this part of me I kept secret... and this secret-- a normal, common, not even too crazy, inner struggle stayed inside me all these years. This secret weighing down on me did two things. It forced me to fight this fight myself, suppressed from proper tools to fight it, effectively prolonging my endless battle with it and without any ability to truly beat it. But moreover, it made me carry the burden alone. And boy did it hurt. It hurt because I had to do it alone, but it also hurt because I was beating myself up way too hard without proper context of what  this struggle was all about. 

And then Hashem was kind enough to put me in a situation that I had no choice but to reach out. I had literally just completed a year streak, a year of tremendous fight, endurance, and sweet freedom. I thought I had this damned thing beat!! I now know I did, but I didn't. I was no longer dependent on it, I was a free man, but I was still alone. And this is exactly where the Yetzor Hora wanted me, because as long as lusting is your own personal struggle- he will blow it up out of proportion, making it seem like an impossible unbeatable monster, and also cruelly make you carry the guilt alone. So when the Yetzor Hora got me good after a great clean run I was utterly terrified- this monster needed to be defeated once and for all. But how???!! So I reached out to you Heiliga Chevra, Malachim (in a human form), and boy did it change my life...

Reaching out was the next hardest thing I ever did (besides for breaking free for the past year)... actually ten times harder. Which showed me that this was the Yetzor Hora's most demised tactic. I trembled as the phone rang, I even cried as it dialed, and I cried some more quietly a bit as the the Tzadik lovingly applauded me for calling and my amazing courage in the fight. And then after the initial first short call I waited with more excitement (and a little nervousness) for later that night (tisha b'av night, no less) to continue our conversation. I do not have enough words to describe what type of kindness and Middos he displayed each and every minute of these calls. Utter perfection in the מדה of נשיאות עול.

I then reached out to another, this time the head honcho, MR. HHM himself, and boy was that the next most important move of my life.. His name in my contact list is now saved as Hashem HELPED ME!! What a Chessed from Hashem every minute of that conversation. And now as I hope continue to forge relationship with fellow Yiddin, each so special, so helpful, I feel as if I am now equipped in a way never before.

So to those who I have spoken to, THANK YOU, for those who I hope to speak to- I can't wait, and to that damned Yetzor Hora I tell you-- now I got you where I want you!!

Thank you Hashem for helping me fall!